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    A Florida man was arrested early yesterday after telling police that his name was “Captain Dickhead.”

    Cops responding to a 1:45 AM disturbance at a residence in Sebastian encountered Pamela Alonge, who apologized for arguing loudly with her boyfriend in the home’s backyard.

    When asked multiple times to identify himself, the boyfriend refused and was “being evasive and argumentative with officers at the scene,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    After cops handcuffed the man, they took one more shot at extracting a name from him. “At which time he said his name was ‘Captain Dickhead,’” an officer reported.

    Investigators subsequently identified “Dickhead” as Joseph Boren, 25. He was arrested on a misdemeanor obstruction charge. After eight hours in custody, Boren (seen above) was released from jail on his own recognizance. Boren is scheduled for an April 17 court appearance.

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    A Minnesota man broke into a home early Saturday morning and cooked himself “children’s chicken nuggets” before police arrived and took him into custody, according to a court filing.

    Investigators say that Dylan Bradley Madden, 21, entered a Mankato home though an unlocked garage door around 2 AM. The residence was occupied at the time by a woman and her two juvenile children.

    Madden, seen above, found his way to the kitchen, where he cooked the chicken nuggets and got himself a drink. The homeowner, who confronted Madden inside the residence, told police that the intruder appeared inebriated.

    A subsequent breath test recorded Madden’s blood alcohol content at .10, just above the .08 limit. Madden, cops noted, “did not appear to be intoxicated to the point of not being able to make conscious decisions.”

    Madden was arrested on a felony burglary charge in connection with his quest for a post-midnight snack.

    Madden's rap sheet includes a 2016 felony conviction for which he was sentenced to five years probation. He violated terms of his release last year, but court records do not indicate what additional punishment may have been levied against Madden.

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    Most bucket lists include pursuits like skydiving, seeing the Northern Lights, or running with the bulls in Pamplona.

    But Tony Strasiser just wanted to steal something from Target.

    The 23-year-old Pennsylvania native was arrested yesterday after trying to boost bed sheets and Clif bars from a Target in Clearwater, Florida, according to an arrest affidavit.

    Strasiser, cops say, hid the merch in a reusable grocery bag and departed the store. But when he was subsequently confronted by a loss prevention officer, Strasiser dropped the stolen goods at the store’s entrance and fled on foot.

    Pictured above, Strasiser later returned to Target and apologized for his actions. He reportedly told a Clearwater Police Department officer that he "shoplifted as a thing for his 'bucket list.'" The theft, he added, was a “lapse of good judgment.”

    Charged with theft, Strasiser was booked into the county jail yesterday afternoon on the misdemeanor count. He was released around 11 PM after posting $250 bond.

    The 6’ 6” Strasiser was a high school football and baseball star who attended West Virginia University, where he played on the school’s baseball team in 2015. Strasiser, a biology major, graduated last year from WVU.

    Strasirer’s mother Lisa is the district attorney in Somerset County, Pennsylvania.

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    A 64-year-old Florida woman who “caught her fiancé...watching porn and masturbating” is facing a criminal charge for allegedly battering her beau, police say.

    According to an arrest report, Gayle Tindall last week discovered the victim pleasuring himself one morning with the aid of filmed entertainment in the couple’s Fort Pierce residence. Tindall and the man then argued for a bit before the victim headed to work.

    Upon the man’s return home, Tindall--who was reportedly still upset--allegedly “grabbed his arm digging her nails into his right forearm and scratching him.” The victim declined medical treatment, cops noted.    

    Tindall was arrested on a battery charge and booked into the county jail (from which she was released on $250 bond).

    As a condition of her release, Tindall was ordered to have no contact with the victim and she is not allowed to come within 500 feet of the couple’s residence. Seen above, Tindall is scheduled for a March 13 arraignment on the misdemeanor count.

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    A methamphetamine trafficker who was wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt when arrested by Michigan narcotics agents was sentenced yesterday to a minimum of 15 years in prison.

    Jeffrey Elton Schmiege, 48, was arrested last year following a raid at his residence that yielded "large quantities of crystal meth, prescription medication, marijuana, a firearm, and ammunition," according to the local narcotics task force.

    Schmiege, seen above, recently pleaded guilty to multiple felony narcotics counts. Investigators identified him as the leader of a ring that brought meth from Minnesota into Gogebic County in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

    Schmiege has a lengthy rap sheet that includes nine felony and six misdemeanor arrests.

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    An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.

    Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

    According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap’n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.

    At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap'n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.

    As first reported by the Moundville Times, Smith’s roommate suffered injuries to his face, hand, and arm.

    An employee at the Hale County jail declined to say whether Smith was in custody or had bonded out on the misdemeanor charge.

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    Arkansas police today arrested Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller for driving without a license and two separate vehicular charges.

    Miller, 29, was nabbed by a state trooper and booked this afternoon into the Baxter County jail on $450 bond. In addition to the license count, Miller was cited for driving without a seatbelt and having no proof of liability insurance.

    Miller first appeared in these pages following his July 2014 arrest in Des Moines, Iowa on public intoxication and weapons charges.

    As we reported at the time, police documents did not indicate whether Miller was given the Mustang GT500 middle name at birth or whether it was an aftermarket addition. Today, that mystery remains unsolved.

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    A tenant at a Florida apartment complex is facing criminal charges--and eviction--after he was caught “utilizing every machine” in the community gym “while being completely naked,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    Police were called Wednesday morning to the Andover Place Apartments in Orlando after a leasing agent spotted Kerry Haynes, 57, working out in the buff. The agent then contacted a maintenance man to report what she had observed.

    The second worker then went to the gym and saw Haynes “utilizing the stationary bicycle, while being completely naked (to include no socks or shoes.).” Asked by the employee what he was doing, Haynes replied, "I'm working out."

    When the worker announced that the police had been called, Haynes left the gym (seen below). A landscaper subsequently spotted Haynes “laying in the grass, and masturbating near the pond.”

    An Orange County Sheriff’s Office deputy responding to a 911 call observed Haynes vigorously pleasuring himself. After handcuffing the naked renter, the cop accompanied the suspect to his apartment, where a pile of Haynes’s clothing was on the living room floor.

    Seen in the above mug shot, Haynes was arrested for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, and exposure of sexual organs. Haynes is being held in the Orange County jail in lieu of $700 bond.

    The owners of the Andover Place complex have filed an eviction lawsuit against Haynes.

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    Police today arrested the Taco Bell employee accused of striking his manager with a “hot burrito” during a tirade about having to work the morning shift at a South Carolina restaurant.

    Christopher Dalton, 28, was collared around 10:30 AM by Spartanburg cops and booked into the county jail on assault and battery and malicious damage charges.

    Dalton, pictured at right, is scheduled today for a 5 PM bond hearing on the misdemeanor counts.

    Spartanburg police were summoned last week to Taco Bell after Dalton got into a confrontation with Patricia Keeley, his manager. As detailed in a police report, Dalton was reportedly upset about his work schedule and “was getting into several verbal disputes with other coworkers.”

    Keeley told cops that when she told Dalton to “stop being a crybaby,” he “slung” a burrito at her. “The melted cheese got all over her left arm and went all down her left side and leg,” cops noted. The thrown burrito also “made a mess of the entire kitchen as well, getting cheese over all the appliances,” Keeley recalled.

    Before storming out of the Taco Bell, Dalton “took off his headset and broke it on his knee and threw it on the ground, causing it to break into several pieces,” the report states.

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    “I’ll go to fucking jail over some barbecue sauce!”

    That is what Willie Edward Drake, 43, yelled during a tirade last week inside a Waffle House in Georgia after being informed by a employee that the restaurant did not offer his favorite tangy condiment.

    According to a Bibb County Sheriff's Office report, Drake sat down at the Macon eatery’s counter early Tuesday morning and ordered food. Drake subsequently asked for some barbecue sauce.

    The Waffle House, however, does not stock barbecue sauce, a revelation that allegedly caused Drake to begin “screaming obscenities and insulting” workers. Drake’s unhinged behavior “caused the employees and customers to fear for their safety,” cops reported.

    Officers responding to a 911 call about a disturbance at the Waffle House (seen below) described Drake as “uncooperative and disorderly.” Pictured above, Drake was subsequently arrested for disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor.

    Drake, who gave his address as a hotel near Waffle House, spent several days in the county jail before his release on $390 bond. He is scheduled for a March 1 appearance in Municipal Court.

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    During an argument with his girlfriend, a Florida Man allegedly threw a piece of fried chicken at the woman, striking her in the face with the poultry and triggering his arrest for domestic battery, cops report.

    Juwan Brown, 23, was busted Wednesday evening after a dispute with his live-in girlfriend turned violent in the couple’s St. Petersburg home.

    After the 6’ 2”, 220-pound Brown stepped on the woman's foot, he “threw a piece of chicken at the victim, striking her in the left side of her face and glasses,” according to a criminal complaint.

    Brown, pictured above, was subsequently arrested by a sheriff’s deputy and booked into the county jail. Free on $5000 bond, Brown has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with the victim.

    Court records show that Brown was arrested in 2015 for striking the same woman (who was pregnant at the time). Before pleading no contest to a battery charge, Brown violated the terms of his pretrial release by calling and visiting the victim’s residence, despite a no contact order being in place. Last year, Brown entered a no contest plea for failing to attend counseling sessions and pay fines that were ordered by a judge in the battery case.

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    1/16 UPDATE: Suspects Robert Doerwald, 54, and Dawn Hosie, 45, have turned themselves over to police. Criminal charges against the duo are expected to be filed later today. In Facebook posts, Hosie--who is engaged to Doerwald--told friends that she “messed up” and “made a bad choice.” The couple is pictured in the below photo from Doerwald’s Facebook page.

    Pennsylvania cops are seeking the public’s help in identifying a pair of Walmart patrons suspected of stealing another shopper’s credit cards.

    According to the Pennsylvania State Police, the duo swiped cash and credit cards from a female victim who reported losing her purse earlier this month at a Walmart in Honesdale, a rural borough about 30 miles northeast of Scranton.

    Investigators report that the victim’s plastic was subsequently used that day for purchases at a McDonald’s restaurant, a Sunoco gas station, and a Walmart about 20 miles away from where the victim’s cash and credit cards were stolen.

    A review of store surveillance video revealed that the suspects tooled around the second Walmart in motorized shopping carts (as seen above) and drove away from the store in a Subaru station wagon.

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    If you are intent on wasting a pizza by pelting a loved one with slices, a cardboard offering from Domino’s is not a bad choice (especially if a vile Papa John’s pie can’t be secured).

    A Connecticut woman is facing a disorderly conduct rap after allegedly pummeling her husband with pizza during a 1:45 AM dispute Sunday.

    Amber Llorens, a 44-year-old Westport resident, allegedly tussled with her husband George, 47, after they had gone to Domino’s and purchased a pizza (the couple had earlier been celebrating a friend’s birthday at a Fairfield bar).

    Cops say that Llorens, a mother of four who works as an aesthetician, quarreled with her husband after picking up the pie and returning to their Land Rover. While inside the SUV, Llorens began winging pizza slices at her spouse, cops say.

    A subsequent police investigation discovered several slices on the floor of the vehicle.

    Llorens, seen above, is next due in court next month on the misdemeanor count.