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    When a corrections officer found a “plastic cylinder” containing methamphetamine under his penis, a Florida Man denied ownership of the narcotics and claimed to be “unsure of how the package got in his underwear,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    The discovery of drugs in the drawers of Caleb Phillips, 46, came yesterday evening as he “undressed from his civilian clothing and changed into his jail clothing” at the Indian River County Jail.

    Phillips was arrested Monday on a warrant charging him with failure to appear in court in connection with a pending 2022 DUI case.

    Seen above, Phillips reportedly told a sheriff's deputy that he “did not place the cylinder in his underwear,” but speculated that the meth was somehow “placed there while he was asleep.” Phillips apparently did not identify who purportedly accessed his underwear for the meth delivery.

    While disavowing knowledge of the cylinder, Phillips “advised that he believed it" to contain Advil pills. Cops noted that the meth was inside a small package of Advil inside the cylinder, indicating that Phillips was aware of what the clear container held.

    Phillips was charged with narcotics possession and smuggling contraband into a detention facility, both of which are felonies. He is being held without bond and is scheduled for arraignment on January 4.

    Phillips’s rap sheet includes prior convictions for DUI; resisting arrest; marijuana possession, fleeing or eluding, possession of drug paraphernalia; leaving the scene of an accident; disorderly intoxication; and driving without a license.

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    An Iowan pleasured himself outside a Kum & Go store and then departed for his nearby apartment, according to an indecent exposure complaint filed following his arrest yesterday.

    According to cops, victims called 911 to report that an “unknown male had said sexual things to them and began masturbating in their presence” while outside the convenience store in Iowa City.

    After a police canvass near the Kum & Go, officers identified Kenneth Lee Kelly, 54, as a suspect in the public pleasure session. “Multiple subjects from Kum & Go, neighboring businesses, and apartments identified the defendant as the subject in the photos,” cops reported.

    Contacted at home, Kelly denied he was the individual captured on surveillance video. Kelly, however, “confirmed he had clothing that matched the video” and showed police a hat that was an “identical match” to the one worn by the suspect during the deed earlier this year.

    A search warrant at Kelly’s apartment resulted in the seizure of garments that “matched surveillance and traffic camera video from this incident.” Additionally, a photo lineup was conducted and “victims...independently identified” Kelly as the 12:30 AM Kum & Go masturbator.

    Seen above, Kelly was arrested Thursday and booked into jail for indecent exposure, a “serious misdemeanor” for which bond has yet to be set.

    When questioned by police, Kelly reportedly “claimed he wasn’t exposing himself,” but instead was just “scratching his genitals.”

    Kelly’s rap sheet includes convictions for felony theft, narcotics possession, driving without a license, and marijuana possession.

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    A pedicab driver dressed as "The Joker" and packing a loaded 9mm handgun is facing felony charges after allegedly battering a female customer during a Halloween fare dispute in Orlando, according to Florida cops.

    Investigators allege that Brandon Juwan Morris, 30, threw the victim to the ground and then rummaged through her belongings and removed cash from her wallet.

    The 2:15 AM incident on November 1 occurred across from Orlando’s City Hall and triggered around 11 separate 911 calls. Morris and Debra Smoot, the victim, apparently argued about a $15 charge.

    When cops arrived on the scene, Smoot was found on the ground “crying and yelling” and she “appeared to have swollen legs which were reddish.”

    Smoot described her assailant as a black male “dressed as the ‘Joker’ with the word ‘Damaged’ on his forehead." In 2016’s “Suicide Squad” movie, “The Joker,” played by Jared Leto, has such a tattoo.

    Two witnesses gave police statements corroborating Smoot’s account of being thrown to the ground and relieved of her money.

    Seen above, Morris was quickly apprehended while still in the area on his pedicab. He claimed to not recall any altercation that evening and “constantly stated he did not put his hands on anyone,” an arrest affidavit states.

    When Orlando Police Department officers searched Morris, they discovered a Taurus pistol inside an “army green crossbody bag on him.” The gun was “loaded with a magazine and had a round chambered,” a cop reported.

    Morris was charged with battery, a misdemeanor, and two felonies: robbery and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony. He was subsequently freed from custody after posting bonds totaling $10,500.

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    A New Jersey school custodian used bleach and “personal bodily fluids” to contaminate food products and utensils intended for elementary school students, investigators allege.

    Giovanni Impellizzeri, 25, is facing multiple felony counts after allegedly recording himself “performing sexual acts with items from the school.”

    Impellizzeri, seen at right, posted “extremely disturbing videos” to Telegram, prompting several tips to be sent to officials with the Elizabeth F. Moore School in Upper Deerfield.

    As detailed in a shocking probable cause affidavit, videos obtained by police showed Impellizzeri using “various utensils and items from the school to wipe his penis, testicles, and anus.” Additionally, he could be seen “masturbating and urinating on pillows and kitchen bowls” and spraying bleach on cucumbers later served to students.

    As if that was not revolting enough, Impellizzeri allegedly used “multiple pieces of bread to wipe” his anus and genitals “before putting the bread back into the container to be later served to children” at the public school.

    Impellizzeri has worked for the Upper Deerfield school district since 2019. He is currently locked up in the Cumberland County jail in advance of a detention hearing.

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    Accused of pleasuring himself while walking around a Target store, an Iowa man told cops that he was “not masturbating his actual penis,” but rather “a dildo he had in his shorts.”

    Despite that convincing explanation, Deshawn Brown, 25, was busted for indecent exposure, according to a criminal complaint.

    Seen at right, Brown, who lives a few blocks from the Target in downtown Iowa City, was caught on camera earlier this month “touching his clothed genitalia as well as his exposed penis.”

    The defendant, investigators stated, “has prior incidents of the same behavior.” In July, Brown was sentenced to two years probation for indecent exposure and placed on Iowa’s sex offender registry. 

    When questioned by police about his Target stroll, Brown reportedly claimed to actually have been engaged with a stashed sex toy. However, cops noted, video evidence “suggests the phallic object in his hand was indeed connected to his person.”

    Charged with several misdemeanor indecent exposure counts, Brown was released from custody last night after posting $3000 bond. He is also facing a probation violation count related to his sentencing earlier this year.

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    A Louisiana nurse survived an attempted spork stabbing by an “extremely combative and aggressive” patient, police report.

    Officers were dispatched yesterday to Glenwood Regional Health Center’s behavioral health unit “in reference to a disturbance” around 2 AM.

    Upon arrival at the West Monroe facility, hospital staff told cops that Madison Bingham, 19, had been “extremely combative and aggressive” toward staff and “made numerous threats.”

    The patient was arrested after a female nurse said Bingham “attempted to stab her with a plastic ‘spork.’” The nurse was able to dodge the alleged spork stabbing bid.

    Monroe, who lives in Vicksburg, Mississippi, was arrested for simple assault, a misdemeanor, and booked into the local parish jail, where she is locked up in lieu of $500 bond.

    A probable cause affidavit does not reveal why Bingham was in the hospital, or whether the spork was seized as evidence.

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    A Florida Woman is facing a felony charge after allegedly shoving a bag of dog poop into the face of an elderly neighbor, cops report.

    Kali Robertson, 28, was arrested Sunday morning after a confrontation at the mobile home park where she and the 76-year-old victim live in separate residences.

    According to a complaint charging Robertson, seen at right, with battery on a victim 65 years or older, she became upset with Daniel Powell, who “would always speak with her while she walked her dog.”

    Robertson, cops say, took an “unsecured bag of dog feces and pushed it” into Powell’s face, “leaving feces smeared on his face and the bag on the ground.”

    The dog waste bag “matched those in the defendant’s possession and she ultimately admitted to the battery,” a Pinellas Park Police officer noted.

    Robertson, who was released from jail Monday after posting $2500 bond, yesterday pleaded not guilty to the third degree felony.

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    12/7 UPDATE: Jury convicts Trump superfan

    The Trump superfan busted for allegedly forging his dead father’s name on a 2020 election mail-in ballot is a convicted felon who was sentenced to 12 years in prison for financial fraud and ordered to pay $22 million in restitution, an amount he recently challenged via a bizarre pro se motion in which he requests to “identify” as “HUNTER BIDEN” in all future court proceedings, records show.

    Robert Rivernider, 58, was charged last week with fraud and forgery for allegedly signing his father’s name to the ballot, which was postmarked days after the older man’s October 2020 death (which was due to COVID-19, according to a federal court filing).  

    As detailed in a criminal complaint filed in Sumter County, Florida, based on a comparison of signatures for Rivernider and his father, “there appear to be similarities between the signatures in the 2020 election” that match Rivernider’s signature, “but not prior versions of [his father’s signature].”

    Pictured at right, Rivernider moved into his father’s Wildwood home after his May 2020 release from a federal lockup in Estill, South Carolina. In December 2013, Rivernider was sentenced to 12 years in prison after pleading guilty to an investment scheme that defrauded victims into "purchasing real estate investment properties based on material misrepresentations, concealed facts, and material omissions,” according to prosecutors.

    Rivernider was convicted in the District of Connecticut, where the U.S. Attorney’s Office was, at the time of his plea, headed by John Durham (whose name might ring a bell).

    A judge granted Rivernider’s early release after the felon filed a “compassionate release” motion citing his heart ailments and the rampant COVID-19 spread in the federal prison system. Additionally, Rivernider noted that his elderly father had been left alone following the death of Rivernider’s mother.

    Finding that Rivernider’s recidivism risk was “low,” Judge Robert Chatigny freed the convict, who, upon release, began serving a five-year probation term (which ends in May 2025).

    Rivernider does not credit Chatigny for his freedom, however. His release was “thanks to President Trump,” according to his account on X, formerly known as Twitter. On his Substack bio, Rivernider writes, “Freedom fighter TRUMP WON.”

    Upon arriving in Florida, Rivernider has served on the board of Villagers for Trump, the leading Trump/MAGA group in The Villages, the sprawling retirement community. In a court filing, he reported working as a GOP field organizer in Florida and Georgia. According to another court document, Rivernider got a job in 2021 as a legislative representative for an unnamed organization “that helps people have a voice on Capitol Hill.”

    What Rivernider has not done, prosecutors charged earlier this year in a probation violation report, is adhere to a court-ordered restitution schedule.

    Rivernider has chafed at the repayment plan and sought to have his conspiracy and wire fraud convictions set aside. He blames representatives of the “United States Corporation” for his legal travails.

    In a June 2023 motion--which he filed pro se--Rivernider declared that the “Department of INJustice” has made a mockery of the rule of law and the federal bench has “refused to recognize FRAUD ON THE COURT.” As such, since “anyone can identify as anything they like,” Rivernider asked the judge to “identify and treat the defendant in the above-captioned case as “HUNTER BIDEN” from this point forward.”

    In addition to asking the court to “dismiss the entire case,” Rivernider sought an apology “to the defendants and their families, order the persecutors to do the same, and all resign.”

    In a one-sentence order signed on August 1, Chatigny denied Rivernider’s motion, which the judge called “frivolous.”

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    A 30-year-old woman is facing a domestic battery charge after allegedly striking her daughter. With a frozen chicken.

    Cops say the purported poultry crime occurred early yesterday in the St. Petersburg, Florida residence of Mary Marquardt and her child (whose age is not listed in court records).

    “The victim stated that the accused threw a frozen chicken at her and struck her on the right leg,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    Marquardt’s sister told police that she observed the defendant tossing the bird (and striking the victim with the chilled chicken).

    The affidavit does not disclose what prompted the alleged attack, which resulted in Marquardt’s bust on a misdemeanor count. She posted a $150 cash bond last night after spending about 20 hours on ice at the county jail.

    Seen at right, Marquardt, who has pleaded not guilty, has been ordered by a judge to have no contact with her daughter.

    The document does not specify if the victim--who apparently escaped injury--was hit with a whole chicken or just a bird part.

    Marquardt was arrested in 2018 for headbutting her husband during an altercation that, cops say, left him with a “busted bloody bottom lip.” After Marquardt’s spouse requested that she not be prosecuted, the battery count was dropped by the state attorney.

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    A Missouri man is locked up following an alleged crime spree that included him pointing a gun at multiple victims while stealing a taco from a Mexican restaurant in St. Louis, records show.

    Antonio Murray, 19, was charged this week with robbing Lilly’s Panaderia at gunpoint earlier this month. Witnesses told cops that Murray pointed a gun at bakery employees before swiping a taco.

    After being collared, Murray reportedly admitted that he “walked up to the taco stand with the gun out, asked for a taco, and left without paying,” according to a probable cause statement.

    A female employee told cops that she had been preparing the taco for another customer when Murray approached her and grabbed the food item, declaring “it belonged to him” while pointing the gun at “multiple people.”

    When arrested, Murray--charged with felony robbery--was carrying a BB gun in his waistband which “did resemble a real firearm.”

    The taco holdup is just one entry on Murray’s pending criminal court docket. The teen faces a pair of misdemeanor property damage counts for allegedly smashing two separate store windows.   

    Of more legal concern is a complaint charging Murray with breaking into a St. Louis home on September 5 and striking two victims, stealing a TV, and tasing a third victim. He allegedly returned to the residence on September 17 and attacked a man before whipping a female victim with a belt. Murray then “retrieved a broomstick and inserted it into [the woman’s] anus.”

    After victims identified Murray via a police photo lineup, he was arrested for robbery, burglary, assault, and sodomy. “The defendant was interviewed and admitted to all the crimes,” investigators reported in an arrest warrant filed yesterday.

    A judge has ordered Murray to be held without bond, ruling that the teen is a “danger to the crime victim, the community or another person.”

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    After being arrested for leaving her two children alone yesterday in a locked, sweltering vehicle outside a Walmart store, a woman asked cops to turn up the air conditioning in the patrol car taking her to jail for child abuse, investigators report.

    Police say the victims--ages three and six--were “left in the vehicle without the engine running, windows closed, and parked in the sun on black asphalt,” according to criminal complaints which note the temperature outside the St. Petersburg, Florida store was 91 degrees.

    The children had been in the car for more than 20 minutes before fire and rescue personnel arrived. At that time, Nyakobo Mar, 30, returned to her auto and was subsequently arrested on a pair of felony child abuse counts. She was also charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for allegedly struggling with cops who sought to handcuff her.

    Mar, police say, “did not show concern for" either child’s health,” but “did ask for air conditioner in the cruiser to be turned up for herself.”

    The children were transported to a local hospital for treatment. Child welfare officials were contacted since “there are no family or friends in the area.” Mar has recently resided in Minnesota.

    Seen above, Mar “did admit post-Miranda to this offense on video,” reported Officer Derrin Knoop. Mar, who is scheduled for a court appearance today, is being held in the county jail in lieu of $20,500 bond.

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    A confrontation yesterday at a Family Dollar store resulted in the arrest of an armed man, records show.

    His weapon?

    A lollipop.

    Police say that Dalton Reed, 24, was in line waiting to check out at the convenience store in Clearwater, Florida when he got into a “verbal argument” with store manager David Johndrow.

    As the dispute escalated, Reed allegedly threw a lollipop at Johndrow, striking him the chest. Luckily, the lollipop lick “did not cause bodily harm,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    Reed was arrested for simple battery. Cops tacked on a possession of drug paraphernalia charge when a post-arrest search reportedly turned up a crack pipe in one of Reed’s pockets.

    No weapon was seized by Clearwater Police Department officers.

    Reed remains in the county lockup, where bond has been set at $650 on the two misdemeanor charges. Reed (pictured at left) has an extensive rap sheet, with convictions for grand theft, DUI, narcotics possession, loitering and prowling, and retail theft.

    A judge has ordered Reed to stay away from the Family Dollar (seen below) and have no contact with Johndrow.

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    A man spotted driving a Power Wheels Jeep on an Indiana roadway was arrested for piloting the toy car while under the influence, police report.

    John McKee, 51, was pulled over around 9 PM Wednesday when an Indiana State Police trooper noticed him driving a blue Power Wheels without lights or reflectors.

    McKee was stopped near his home in Vincennes, a central Indiana city near the border with Illinois.

    Since McKee appeared impaired, the trooper administered field sobriety tests (most of which McKee reportedly failed). McKee, who agreed to a blood draw at a local hospital, told cops that he had pot and crystal meth in his system, according to a criminal complaint.

    McKee was released last night from custody after posting a $5000 bond on the felony rap, according to Knox County Sheriff’s Office records. His rap sheet includes numerous convictions, for crimes like trespass, possession of drug paraphernalia, marijuana possession, and criminal mischief.

    As for McKee's ride--which can top out at 5 mph unless modified--"Troy's Towing was contacted to take possession of the Power Wheels," a trooper reported.