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    This week’s most embarrassing shoplifting arrest comes from South Carolina, where police yesterday nabbed an 18-year-old woman for stealing Rock Hard erection cream, handcuffs, and Deep Throat desensitizing spray from a mall store.

    Karla Farmer first swiped the cream and spray from the “love unit” of a Spencer’s store, according to a police report. After exiting the business, she returned a few minutes later to nick the handcuffs, investigators allege.

    Mall security subsequently detained Farmer and handcuffed the teenager when she fought with them and tried to flee.

    When police searched Farmer’s purse, they recovered the Spencer’s merchandise, as well as a bra and two pairs of underwear apparently stolen from a Victoria’s Secret location in the WestGate mall in Spartanburg.

    Seen in the above mug shot, Farmer was charged with shoplifting and booked into the county jail on the misdemeanor count (she was released from custody last night).

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    A Florida teacher called cops to report that a five-year-old student had again “groped her in the vagina,” according to a police report.

    The educator told investigators that it was the second time the boy, a student at the Blanche H. Daughtrey Elementary School in Bradenton, had grabbed her. She contacted police to document the child’s behavior, which the woman said had “escalated” and “become aggressive and vulgar the past 2 weeks.”

    While the boy is not identified in the report, he is likely a kindergartner at the school, which runs through the fifth grade. According to its web site, the school prepares students for “academic success and life as responsible citizens.”

    No charges were filed in connection with the reported October 9 groping.

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    An intoxicated member of the Air Force was arrested early Saturday after he gave a Minnesota cop a double “wet Willy,” according to cops.

    As a Mankato Department of Public Safety officer was speaking with a municipal bus driver around 2:20 AM, the cop “felt two fingertips that were obvious to him as wet with saliva being pushed into his right and left ear canals,” according to a probable cause statement.

    The officer turned around and saw a tall white male walking away. “I just gave the cop a wet Willie,” the suspect said as he joined a group of his friends.

    The officer confronted the man, later identified as Riley Swearingen, a 23-year-old who was home on leave from his post at North Carolina’s Seymour-Johnson Air Force Base.

    Swearingen, pictured at right, told the cop that the “wet Willy” was a joke for which he was sorry. Swearingen, who smelled of booze and appeared drunk, was then arrested. When asked what would happen if he gave a “wet Willy” to a military superior, Swearingen “admitted it would be a very big deal.”

    Swearingen was charged with felony assault on a cop, misdemeanor assault, and disruptive intoxication. During a court appearance yesterday, Swearingen pleaded guilty to the drunk charge and was sentenced to the three days he had already spent in custody.

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    After getting vanquished in a beer pong match, a group of sore losers opened fire early yesterday at a Texas house party, wounding a female reveler, police report.

    The 1:20 AM shooting Sunday took place at a residence in Ames, a city 45 miles from Houston.

    According to the Liberty County Sherriff's Office, investigators are searching for two men who allegedly shot up the party after losing at the beer pong table. Deputies identified the suspects as Decoris “Red” Rucker, 24, and Chris “Crazy Chris” Hackett.

    Rucker and Hackett were among a group of five men who became upset after losing a backyard beer pong game. The men, witnesses said, ran from the home while firing wildly at partygoers. An 18-year-old woman was shot in the thigh during the gunfire.

    Rucker, Hackett, and the other men fled in a 2006 Buick. Seen at left, Rucker, a convicted felon, has a lengthy rap sheet that includes burglary, assault, weapons, and drug arrests. In April, he was busted on several felony narcotics counts. 

    While no arrests have been made in the beer pong shooting, cops expect to file aggravated assault with a deadly weapon charges against the gunmen.

    beer pong, gun, Texas
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    An ill-advised Ebola joke has landed an Ohio man behind bars on a felony charge, records show.

    Emanuel Smith, 60, was gambling Wednesday at the Horseshoe Casino in Cleveland when he allegedly told a dealer that he was there as a way to avoid his ex-wife, who was stricken with Ebola.

    Smith, a retired municipal employee, claimed that his former spouse had recently returned to Cleveland from West Africa.

    According to a Municipal Court filing, Smith’s comment “caused panic” in the downtown casino, a portion of which was shut down as a result of Smith’s claim. The closure, investigators allege, caused the business to suffer “a large financial loss.”

    Several hours after his Ebola comment, Smith was arrested at his Cleveland home and charged with inducing panic, a felony, and criminal trespass. He was booked into the Cuyahoga County jail, where he is being held in lieu of $10,000 bond.

    A judge has ordered Smith, seen in the adjacent mug shot, to stay away from the casino, which opened in 2012.

    Smith made his Ebola crack on the day that it was first reported that a Texas nurse who tested positive for the disease had recently flown to Cleveland to visit family and try on wedding dresses.

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    A bus passenger was arrested yesterday after cops discovered that his luggage contained 48 Most Sacred Heart of Jesus candles that had methamphetamine mixed in their wax, according to Louisiana cops.

    An El Expresso bus bound for Mobile, Alabama was pulled over early Thursday morning in Baton Rouge following a traffic violation. During a subsequent search of the coach’s cargo hold, a drug detection dog alerted to a suitcase.

    When members of the Highway Interdiction Unit opened the luggage, they found the 48 religious candles, which contained “methamphetamine mixed in wax, disguised as candles,” according to investigators.

    The seized candles are seen in the above Baton Rouge Police Department photo. While the candles weighed in excess of 110 pounds, police did not specify the weight of the meth discovered.  

    While none of the bus passengers claimed ownership of the seized bag, cops located a photo of a man inside the suitcase. The image matched that of passenger Jose Antonio Rodriguez-Lara, a 19-year-old Texas resident.

    Rodriguez-Lara, seen at left, was arrested on a felony narcotics charge and booked into jail, where he is being held in lieu of $30,000 bond.

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    Florida cops have released an image of the glassy-eyed victim of the notorious Walmart masturbator.

    As seen in the above evidence photo, the brown, tan, and red stuffed horse was allegedly used Tuesday by Sean Johnson, 19, as he pleasured himself inside the store in Brooksville.

    After splattering the “stuffed horse’s chest area” with ejaculate, Johnson placed it “on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set).” The toy, price tag in place, was later placed on Walmart’s floor, where it was photographed by a cop.

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    There has been another burrito assault.

    An Idaho man was arrested Sunday after allegedly throwing the tasty Mexican treat at a worker at an assisted living home, police say.

    Travis Micho, 52, tossed the burrito during a dispute with Claressa Tharp, according to a Kootenai County Sheriff's Office report. Micho, deputies reported, “grabbed his burrito from his dinner plate and threw it at Tharp as she was standing across the table from him."

    Tharp, 40, who works at Harmony House Assisted Living in Hayden, was struck with “several pieces of the burrito.” The balance of the burrito “was on the wall,” investigators reported.

    When questioned by a deputy, Micho (pictured above) copped to throwing the burrito at Tharp. He was arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge and booked into the county jail (from which he was released yesterday after posting $600 bond).

    According to a sheriff’s spokesperson, Micho has been arrested 17 times in Kootenai County since 1991. His rap sheet includes multiple drunk driving arrests, as well as weapons, narcotics, battery, and probation violation charges.

    Stories about prior burrito attacks can be found here and here.

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    10/16 UPDATE: Police release photo of victim

    A Florida man today took a stuffed animal off a Walmart shelf and then used the toy to masturbate before returning the ejaculate-covered item to a store shelf, police report.

    The repulsive episode occurred around 3 PM at a Walmart in Brooksville, a city 50 miles north of Tampa.

    According to a police report, Sean Johnson, 19, “selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance shelf in the garden department.” He then went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, “proceeded to pull out his genitals,” and “proceeded to hump the stuffed horse utilizing short fast movements.” The lewd act was captured by surveillance cameras.

    After Johnson “achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse’s chest area,” he placed the “soiled stuffed horse on top of a bed in a bag (comforter set) contaminating that property also.”

    While Johnson fled the store before he could be apprehended by Walmart security, he was subsequently arrested by Brooksville Police Department officers. In a written statement, Johnson admitted that, “I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal.” Noting that he committed a “horrible act,” Johnson added, “I need to think before what I do. I’m extremely sorry.”

    Johnson, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with indecent exposure and criminal mischief and booked into the Hernando County jail. He was released from custody at 9:45 tonight after posting $1500 bond.

    The Walmart merchandise that came into contact with the reshelved stuffed animal was deemed contaminated and not suitable for sale.

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    A drunken college student dressed as a zombie Santa barged into a Minnesota home late Saturday, causing a boy to flee the home, while a teenage girl locked herself in a bathroom, police report.

    Brock Quinn Johnson, 21, was arrested for trespassing at the Minneapolis residence, which is a few blocks from the University of St. Thomas, which Johnson attends. Johnson apparently participated Saturday in the tenth annual Zombie Pub Crawl across Minneapolis.

    Johnson, pictured above, entered the home around 9:45 PM through an unlocked front door and encountered the boy, who screamed and ran out a rear exit. The girl locked herself in an upstairs bedroom and called her parents, who rushed home.

    Cops found Johnson--who had vomited--passed out in the home. When awoken, the collegian was disoriented and unaware of his location. He was cited for trespassing and brought to a detoxification center to sober up.

    According to his LinkedIn page, Johnson is scheduled to graduate next year from St. Thomas, a 10,000-student Catholic university. The Minnesota native is studying business administration, not theater arts.

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    Activist/author Cornel West is seen above in a mug shot taken following his arrest yesterday afternoon at a march protesting recent police shootings in the St. Louis, Missouri area.

    “I came here to go to jail,” the 63-year-old told fellow demonstrators during a rally Sunday evening.

    West was among a score of protesters arrested for disturbing the peace in Ferguson, where Michael Brown, 18, was shot to death by a police officer in August. The shooting of the unarmed teenager is the subject of an ongoing grand jury proceeding.

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    After arresting a local police chief for stalking and assault, Tennessee jailers allowed the man to pose for a booking photo with a cigar in his mouth and holding--not wearing--an orange inmate smock.

    Richard Stitts, who heads the Maury City Police Department, was booked Friday at the Crockett County Sheriff's Office, where he posed for two mugs shots. Stitts, 66, was busted for allegedly attacking the mother of his child. He was subsequently released on $2500 and has been suspended from his police post, which he has held for about 18 years.

    As seen above, Stitts was not treated like an ordinary defendant when processed by sheriff’s personnel. The mug shot has prompted an internal affairs investigation, according to Sheriff Troy Klyce.

    “This behavior is not consistent with the professional culture we have created within the sheriff's department,” Klyce wrote in a Facebook posting. He added that once the investigation is complete, “disciplinary action will be taken.”

    Stitts is scheduled for an October 23 appearance in General Sessions court, where cigars are prohibited.

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    A football fan with a Tom Brady helmet tattooed across his head is locked up in a Florida jail following his arrest on a narcotics charge.

    St. Petersburg cops last month busted Victor Thompson, 46, for possession of Spice, the synthetic marijuana. Thompson allowed police to search his pockets after he was spotted trespassing outside a community center.

    When questioned by police, Thompson said that he purchased the "Master Kush" Spice “from a black male for $15” at a downtown park, according to a police report. Thompson reportedly told cops that he did not know Spice was illegal in Florida, claiming that it was “still legal in New Hampshire,” his home state.

    Thompson, who said that he moved to Florida three weeks prior to his September 10 arrest, was charged with felony drug possession and trespassing, a misdemeanor. He is being held in the Pinellas County jail in lieu of $1500 bond.

    As noted in the “Scars, Marks, Tatoos or other distinguishing features” section of the report, Thompson has “Tattoo Head-Patriots Football Helmet.”

    As seen in the above images (click to enlarge), Thompson had a series of tattoos inked on his head to make it appear that he is wearing a New England Patriots football helmet. Along with team logos on each side of his head, Thompson got Brady’s number 12 and the word “Patriots” inked on the back of his head. He added the name of the helmet maker (“Riddell”) on his forehead, as well as an American flag and an NFL logo.

    Thompson even included the small green dot indicating that a helmet is equipped with an electronic device allowing its wearer to receive plays from the sideline.

    Thompson also had a likeness of the Super Bowl trophy tattooed on the top of his head. Additionally, his noggin features inked replicas of the signatures of players Rob Gronkowski, Wes Welker, and Randy Moss. Somehow, Thompson forgot to add Aaron Hernandez’s John Hancock to his cranium.

    Jailers took four separate booking photos of Thompson so that his tattoos could be memorialized for possible future identification purposes.