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    Meet Buford Carroll.

    The 30-year-old Floridian was arrested Saturday evening after a 911 caller reported that the driver of a Dodge Diplomat was “swerving all over the road” and possibly drunk. The complainant noted that the driver was “wearing a hat, no shirt, and had tattoos.”

    When a sheriff’s deputy subsequently found the Dodge in a hotel parking lot, Carroll “was now wearing a white shirt with a hot pink bra underneath,” according to an arrest affidavit. Carroll, the deputy reported, “smelled of an alcoholic beverage.”

    Carroll, seen above, was arrested for driving the Dodge with license plates assigned to another vehicle, a misdemeanor. He was also improperly driving on a restricted license, a fact that Carroll’s girlfriend said he was aware. Asked why Carroll would do this, the woman replied, "'Cause he's a dumbass!"

    Carroll was booked into the Indian River county lockup, from which he was released after posting $500 bond. Jailers prepared an inventory of Carroll's 20 tattoos, which include “Statue of Liberty holding a gun,” the phrase “Life of a Struggler,” and one back tattoo that corrections officers were “unable to describe.”

    The arrest affidavit does not address why Carroll was wearing a hot pink bra.

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    A South Carolina woman repeatedly smacked her young son in the head because the child had only made a Mother’s Day card for his grandmother, according to police.

    Responding to a 911 call Thurdsay night about a disturbance at a Spartanburg home, cops found the young boy in tears. The child complained that his head hurt and “he was sad,” an investigator noted.

    The boy was in the residence with his grandmother, sister, and his mother, Shontrell Murphy, 30. The child’s grandmother told officers that Murphy struck the boy three times in the head “in a hard manner.”

    The boy’s sister told police that she saw Murphy strike her sibling “in the head really hard a few times because of a Mother’s Day card.” The girl added that the victim “made his grandmother...a Mother’s Day card and not Shontrell.”

    Murphy, cops charge, “became upset that the card was not for her” and "tore it up" before hitting the boy “in the head repeatedly.” A patrolman reported spotting a “hand written card torn into pieces.” The boy was transported to a local hospital for evaluation and was released after no trauma to his head was detected.

    Seen above, Murphy told police that she did not strike her son “in a hard or violent manner.” Murphy, arrested for child cruelty, was booked into the county jail and later released on a personal recognizance bond. Murphy was recently arrested for domestic violence, but that charge was dismissed last month by prosecutors, court records show.

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    Meet Conrad Jablecki.

    The 30-year-old Maryland man has been charged with indecent exposure and open lewdness after he engaged in oral sex with a woman in the dining room of a Pennsylvania McDonald’s, cops report.

    According to investigators, Jablecki and a woman--who has yet to be apprehended--trysted publicly on a Thursday afternoon in March. A McDonald’s worker spotted the duo’s illicit activity and chased them from the restaurant in York (pictured below).

    Jablecki, who lives about 40 miles south of the McDonald’s, was charged Monday in a District Court criminal complaint. Jablecki’s rap sheet includes convictions this year for public drunkenness and disorderly conduct. In 2012, Jablecki was sentenced to 60 days in jail and placed on probation for two years in connection with charges that he exposed himself to a woman and her five-year-old daughter on a  Maryland beach.

    According to his Facebook page, Jablecki works for a landscaping firm. In posts last year, Jablecki wrote about seeking “A bad bitch W/ mean head game” and “a Girl who is a SupaFreak+Funny+Down to Earth+spontaneous+Drama-Free+Sense of Humor+Easy to conversate with jus talk About Everything an Anything!”

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    Trudy Kay Richardson was in the passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix early Saturday evening when the vehicle was pulled over on a St. Petersburg, Florida street.

    The 55-year-old Richardson, the patrolman noted, was observed holding a “blue glass marijuana pipe in her right hand.” Richardson, seen at right, would later tell the cop that the pipe was actually the property of her stepdaughter, who was apparently behind the wheel.

    When Richardson spotted Officer Caricia Martinez standing next to the Pontiac, she “placed her hand with pipe into the front of her pants and proceeded to place the item inside of her vagina.” Richardson, Martinez added, “was repeatedly instructed to stop and yet continued.”

    With regard to the pot pipe, Richardson subsequently said that she "put it in my pussy" at the request of her stepdaughter.

    A remorseful Richardson "spontaneously stated" that she was “so sorry for not listening and putting the pipe in my pussy.” The pipe, Officer Martinez reported, smelled of marijuana and contained “burnt residue.”

    A search turned up a second glass pipe in the car’s console and two plastic bags containing marijuana remnants.

    Richardson, a nursing home employee, was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia and resisting an officer without violence, both misdemeanors. She was released from jail early yesterday morning after posting $300 bond.

    Richardson’s stepdaughter does not appear to have been arrested.

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    A Florida woman arrested last night in a prostitution sting told an undercover cop that her price for oral sex was $25 and a serving of Chicken McNuggets, according to a court filing.

    Cops allege that Alex DiReeno, 22, got into the auto of an undercover detective who had parked outside a Bradenton gas station around 10 PM. After some chit-chat, the cop told DiReeno that he “wanted to get my dick sucked.” To which DiReeno reportedly replied, “Okay.”

    After “a few seconds of bargaining,” the undercover reported, the duo agreed that, “I would pay $25.00 and get the female chicken nuggets in exchange for oral sex.”

    However, just blocks shy of McDonald’s (seen below), the detective stopped the vehicle at a “take-down location,” where other officers approached the car and placed DiReeno into custody. Charged with prostitution and possession of drug paraphernalia, DiReeno was booked into the county jail on $620 bond.

    DiReeno was sentenced last month to three years probation after pleading guilty to auto theft and possession of drug paraphernalia.

    Last year, Ohio cops arrested a Backpage.com escort on a prostitution charge after she allegedly offered to perform oral sex on an undercover officer in return for $50 and a plate of nachos.

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    Meet Nelson Webb Lentz.

    Following a “bad experience” at a Books-A-Million outlet near his Louisiana home, the 71-year-old Lentz decided to retaliate in a unique way.

    No, the septuagenarian did not stage a boycott or write a strongly worded letter to the local newspaper.

    Instead, Lentz visited the Monroe business and left dildos on the shelves of the store’s Religion section. Lentz copped to his bizarre actions during a police interview Sunday morning “about leaving sex toys (Dildos)” at the chain store (seen below).

    Lentz, pictured above, told cops he “had extra items, so he used them for that purpose.” Books-A-Million workers told police that there had been “several incidents involving Lentz leaving the items in the Religious section of the store.”

    Store surveillance video recorded Lentz in the act and the retiree “confirmed that was him on the video leaving the Dildos,” cops noted. A probable cause affidavit does not detail Lentz’s “bad experience” at the bookstore.

    Lentz, charged with criminal mischief and criminal trespassing, is free on $700 bond.

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    An intoxicated Chihuahua has added to the criminal troubles of its owner, according to Pennsylvania court records.

    Thomas Bloedel, 44, was arrested Thursday after he was found to be drunk behind the wheel of his 2014 Subaru Outback. Bloedel slammed the SUV into a pole outside a suburban Pittsburgh home.

    Bloedel, cops say, was not alone at the time of the crash. The vehicle’s other occupant was Maxwell, Bloedel’s dog. And like his owner, Maxwell (pictured at right) was also plastered, according to a criminal complaint.

    The canine, investigators say, lapped up vodka that had spilled from a bottle of Smirnoff that had been in Bloedel’s lap. After cops stuffed Bloedel into a cruiser, they returned to the Subaru, where Maxwell “was drinking the vodka that was spilled and pooled in the console.”

    The Chihuahua was subsequently transported to a veterinary office, where staff noted that Maxwell's eyes were dilated and that the dog stumbled as he walked. Following treatment for alcohol poisoning (and an overnight stay at the vet’s office), Maxwell rallied.

    Bloedel, a Pittsburgh resident, was charged with DUI, animal cruelty, criminal mischief, careless driving, and making terroristic threats. The latter count stemmed from Bloedel allegedly threatening to kill various police officers.

    The criminal complaint notes that an “aggravated” Bloedel (seen at left) kept yelling “monkey dicks” and “similar nonsense phrases” while en route to jail.

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    A New York City woman wearing a “Support Your Local Bartender” t-shirt was arrested yesterday for driving drunk with her six-year-old son in the car.

    Ladion Logan, a 31-year-old Queens resident, was collared by Long Island cops after she slammed into a parked vehicle in Uniondale, a Nassau County hamlet.

    When police arrived at the accident scene, Logan reportedly began screaming and cursing at them. Following a brief struggle, Logan was handcuffed and placed into a police cruiser.

    Seen above, Logan was charged with drunk driving, resisting arrest, and endangering the welfare of a child. Logan’s son--who was not injured in the crash--was released into the custody of family members, police reported.

    Earlier this week, a Connecticut man wearing a “Hold My Beer And Watch This” t-shirt was arrested for drunk driving after crashing his vehicle into a wall outside a cemetery. Last month, a Pennsylvania motorist arrested for drunk driving was wearing a “Drunk Lives Matter” t-shirt when he was nabbed by police.

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    Meet Harrison Wooton.

    The 25-year-old Connecticut man was arrested early yesterday for drunk driving after he crashed his car into a wall outside a graveyard near his home in Woodstock.

    As seen above, Wooton was, of course, wearing a t-shirt declaring “Hold My Beer And Watch This” when he was collared for drunk driving and failure to drive in the proper lane.

    Last month, a Pennsylvania motorist arrested for drunk driving was wearing a “Drunk Lives Matter” t-shirt when collared by police.

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    A Florida man was arrested Saturday morning for a vile incident inside Soapy’s Coin Laundromat, cops report.

    According to an arrest affidavit, Michael Shannon, 57, entered the laundromat around 7:40 AM and proceeded to defecate on the floor of the St. Petersburg business.

    Not content with that disgusting bit of criminality, Shannon then scooped up his own waste, an eyewitness told cops, and approached a Dexter commercial washing machine. Shannon was then seen “taking his own human waste” and “pressing it into the soap loading compartment” of the front loader.

    When a St. Petersburg patrolman responded to a 911 call, Shannon was still in the laundromat (where he was arrested after reportedly confessing). Officer Steven Laurenzi reported that the "crime scene" was “still present upon police arrival.”

    Shannon was charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail (where he has frequently been lodged). Shannon’s lengthy rap sheet includes a state prison stretch for robbery.

    Cops estimated damage to the washing machine at $475.

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    An Illinois man is facing animal cruelty charges for allegedly punching a donkey in the face, an attack the suspect recorded and later posted to his Twitter account.

    According to cops, Lucas Dietrich, 18, slugged the donkey while visiting Willoughby Farm in Collinsville, an Illinois city about 12 miles from St. Louis. Dietrich, seen above, was at the farm late last month attending a birthday party.

    Investigators allege that Dietrich punched Amore, a 13-year-old miniature Mediterranean donkey, below the animal’s right ear. The donkey was not seriously injured during the attack.

    Cops learned of the donkey punch after being tipped that a video of the incident had been uploaded to Twitter. In short order police identified Dietrich as the donkey assailant.

    Dietrich was arrested on a pair of misdemeanor animal cruelty charges and booked into the Madison County jail (from which he was released Friday after posting $5000 bond). Dietrich is next due in court on April 27.

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    While en route to jail following his arrest for driving with a suspended license and no insurance, a Florida man declared, “That’s the last time I listen to Wikipedia about driving. It said I would just get a ticket.”

    Justin Miret, 22, was nabbed Friday evening after a cop spotted him running a stop sign in Port St. Lucie. Subsequent checks revealed that Miret’s driver’s license was suspended last year and his auto insurance had been cancelled.

    Miret began screaming at a patrolman, according to an arrest affidavit, and balled his fists up in an apparent attempt to intimidate the cop. Miret, seen above, was subsequently arrested and placed in the rear of a police cruiser, where he could be heard complaining about the faulty legal advice available on Wikipedia.

    Charged with a pair of misdemeanors, Miret is scheduled for an April 11 arraignment hearing. He is free on $1125 bond.

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    An Alabama man being booked into jail for public intoxication had a stolen handgun hidden in a certain body cavity, according to police who noticed that the defendant was walking “strangely” upon arrival at the county jail.

    Jesse Roberts, 23, was collared early today by cops responding to a 911 call about a prowler near a residence in Elkmont, a town outside Huntsville.

    Seen above, Roberts was arrested and transported to the Limestone County jail, where corrections officers took notice of his odd gait.

    As Roberts was being searched, an unloaded Jimenez Arms .380-caliber pistol fell from his rear end into his underwear. “I immediately considered that he defecated on himself before noticing a familiar shape in the form of a pistol in his boxers,” a jailer noted in a report, according to Sheriff Mike Blakely.

    Upon recovering the unloaded weapon from Roberts’s drawers, cops determined that the $100 handgun had been reported stolen out of Florence, a city 50 miles away.

    Along with a misdemeanor public intoxication rap, Roberts is facing charges for receiving stolen property, introducing contraband into a correctional facility, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. Roberts is locked up in lieu of $7250 bail.