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    “Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It’s Aspen!”

    That is what Eliphalet Miller Ford IV, 34, declared after cops confronted him early Monday as he allegedly prepared to snort a line of cocaine while sitting on a public bench in the Colorado ski mecca’s downtown area

    According to an arrest affidavit, two patrol officers approached Ford and Laurel Titus, 24, around 2:10 AM after hearing “what sounded like a plastic card striking the stone surface of the bench.” Ford told the cops that the duo was “just hanging out smoking a cigarette.”

    But Officer Andrew Atkinson noticed that Ford was crumpling a rolled-up $10 bill in his hands, and that there appeared to be a line of cocaine on the bench. “There were also two credit cards on the bench not far from the powdery substance,” the affidavit notes.

    When asked about the substance, Ford (seen above) reportedly swiped the powder off the bench with his right hand.

    After handcuffing Ford, Officer Atkinson pointed his flashlight up the suspect’s nose, where he spotted a "white cakey substance." After Atkinson declared that he believed the substance to be cocaine, Ford replied, “Of course I have cocaine up my nose. It’s Aspen!”

    Officers subsequently recovered a folded piece of paper containing cocaine that Ford had clenched in his hand. When asked if Ford was using cocaine, Titus, who was not busted, told Atkinson, “He may have had some.”

    Ford, charged with narcotics possession and resisting arrest, was booked into the Pitkin County jail, from which he was later released on a $2500 personal recognizance bond.

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    A South Carolina man called 911 early this morning to complain that his girlfriend would not have sex with him, according to an arrest report.

    When a cop responded to his Spartanburg residence, Patrick Doggett, 53, “stated he called 911 because his girlfriend, Ms. Faye Woodruff, would not give him any ass.”

    Woodruff told police that Doggett had been drinking all day and “didn’t know where he was at.” She added that Doggett got into bed and wanted to have sex, but “she had her grandchild with her.”

    So, Woodruff noted, Doggett "got up and then dialed 911."

    Doggett, who was outside the residence drinking an alcoholic beverage when police arrived, was arrested for public intoxication and booked into the county jail (where he remains locked up this afternoon).

    Pictured above, Doggett has not been cited for misusing the 911 system, according to jail records.

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    A man caught placing his iPhone under the skirt of a Publix shopper told police that he was actually “taking pictures of cakes” for his wife, and not engaging in some felonious supermarket voyeurism.

    According to a police report, the female victim told officers that she caught Michael Shoukry Abdels Atalla, 48, filming up her skirt as she shopped Thursday night at the Palm Harbor, Florida market. The woman confronted Atalla, reported cops, who noted that “store surveillance captured this act.”

    When a sheriff’s deputy questioned Atalla, he “claimed to be taking pictures of cakes for his wife.” Atalla lives about half a mile from the Publix supermarket where he was busted.

    The report does not detail why Atalla’s purported spouse needed a gallery of cake images, though Deputy Chester Johnson did point out that Atalla’s iPhone handiwork "occurred in the deli by the hot chicken, not the bakery."

    Atalla, seen above, was charged with video voyeurism, a felony, and booked into the county jail. He was released from custody Friday night after posting $5000 bond.

    Acccording to his Facebook page, Atalla works for a Clearwater software firm. The page includes no photos or mentions of a wife.

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    A Taco Bell worker was doused with bleach last night by a suspect who threw a cup of the chemical into the eatery’s drive-thru window, Florida cops say.

    According to a West Palm Beach Police Department report, an “unknown black female suspect” walked up to the drive-thru window and “threw a cup of bleach” onto employee Janaria Neeley.

    While the liquid damaged Neeley’s clothing, the 19-year-old was not injured in the 10:50 PM bleach attack.

    A police review of surveillance footage did not yield an image of the assailant, who witnesses reported was wearing a gray hoodie and sweatpants. Police have classified the incident as an aggravated battery, a felony.

    The motive for the bleach attack is unknown. Taco Bell workers told cops that they were unaware of any customers having expressed displeasure last night about their orders.

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    Florida police this morning responded to a 911 call reporting that, “a monkey was eating mail out of a mailbox.”

    Sanford Police Department officers found the suspect, named Zeek, wandering around the Hidden Lakes subdivision, where the monkey, a pigtail macaque, was shaking a traffic sign after alighting from a mailbox.

    “When we arrived to help the monkey,” cops noted, Zeek “decided to pull off molding from one of our patrol cars.” After distracting the escapee with a bottle of water, Zeek was corralled when his owner arrived on scene.

    It is unclear how the monkey escaped from its cage.

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    As she was being transported to jail, a Florida woman became “irate” and kicked another female detainee in the face after the victim “‘farted’ near her,” police allege.

    Jeanelle Callahan, 48, was busted Thursday afternoon after she punched her male roommate in the face, according to an arrest affidavit. Callahan, who was reportedly “highly intoxicated,” left the man with a bloody nose.

    Following that misdemeanor collar, Callahan was placed into a jail transport, where she encountered Virginia Turner, 60, who had been arrested for trespassing. Both women were handcuffed in the police vehicle.

    En route to the county lockup, “the suspect claimed that Virginia Turner ‘farted’ near her,” reported Officer Stephen Zulauf. Callahan became “irate” and attempted to strike Turner in the face with her elbow. Callahan then “raised her right leg and kicked Virginia Turner’s right side of her face.”

    Turner did not fight back during the attack, which was recorded by the vehicle’s camera system.

    Callahan, who was already facing a battery rap for punching her roomie, was hit with a second battery count for attacking Turner. She is locked up in the county jail on $1000 bond. Turner was released from custody Friday afternoon.

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    A Pennsylvania girl doused school security guards with gasoline and then attempted to light the victims on fire, according to investigators who have charged the teen with numerous felonies.

    In retaliation for a run-in last week with a guard, Imani Knight-Brantley, 16, returned Monday to her Pittsburgh-area high school carrying a two-liter Sprite bottle containing gasoline.

    According to police, Knight-Brantley was booted from Wilkinsburg High School Friday after being caught using a cell phone in class. She later returned to get food at an after-school program, but was again escorted from the building by guard Brandon Murray. As she was being removed the second time, Knight-Brantley threw a milk carton at Murray.

    As detailed in a criminal complaint, Knight-Brantley confronted Murray upon returning to the school Monday. Police allege that she splashed gasoline on Murray and a second security official. As the guards grappled with Knight-Brantley, she tried to ignite the gasoline with an outdoor grill lighter.

    After police arrived to arrest Knight-Brantley, students were evacuated due to the smell of gasoline throughout the school.

    According to court records, Knight-Brantley faces four counts of aggravated assault and causing or risking catastrophe, both felonies. She is also charged with misdemeanor weapons possession and reckless endangerment counts.

    Knight-Brantley, who has been charged as an adult, is being held in the Allegheny County jail in lieu of $100,000 bond.

    As seen in the above booking photo, the teen has the word “Love” tattooed on her neck. Pennsylvania law bars anyone under the age of 18 from being tattooed, unless the minor’s parent or guardian has consented to the inking (and is present for the tattooing).

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    A Connecticut man already facing multiple burglary charges has been arrested on new criminal counts after he was spotted wearing a stolen sweatshirt in a mug shot photo, police report.

    According to cops, a Glastonbury residence was burglarized in July 2014, but the probe of the crime was suspended after no leads were developed.

    However, two months ago, the victimized homeowner contacted cops to report seeing a booking photo of Derek Benson, 30, who was arrested late last year in connection with a series of burglaries during which expensive golf equipment was stolen.

    “In the photo, Benson was wearing the victim’s sweatshirt, which had been stolen during the burglary of his residence,” the Glastonbury Police Department reported.

    The stolen gray sweatshirt contains the logo for Coco Libre, the “pure organic coconut water.” The victim, a police spokesperson said, works for Coco Libre. Benson is seen in the above mug shot wearing the purloined garment.

    After being tipped by the homeowner, cops noted, “A subsequent investigation linked Benson to the burglary.” In addition to the sweatshirt, jewelry was stolen during last year’s burglary.

    Benson was arrested last week on burglary, larceny, and criminal mischief counts. He remains locked up in lieu of $125,000 bond.

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    Meet Mara Paradox.

    Cops in Lubbock, Texas yesterday morning arrested Paradox, 29, on a marijuana possession charge and booked her into the county jail, where the above mug shot was snapped. Paradox was released from custody early this morning.

    Paradox, who has undergone a gender transition, has worked at the Venice Beach Freakshow, where she was known to eat glass, hang hooks from her eyelids, and recline on a bed of machetes.

    Paradox--who also underwent a surname transition--has tattooed eyeballs, which provide her with a more corpselike mien.

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    A college freshman is facing a public intoxication charge after he opened the rear door of a police car, got in, and requested a ride to his University of Iowa dormitory, police report.

    John Louis Chapman, 18, was busted around 11 PM last night in downtown Iowa City, blocks from his Burge Hall residence, according to a criminal complaint.

    The tipsy Chapman allegedly approached a police cruiser stopped in traffic and asked cop Don Strong for a ride home. After the University of Iowa Public Safety officer told the student to return to the sidewalk, Chapman opened the squad car’s rear door and got into the vehicle.

    Chapman had “bloodshot, watery eyes, and smelled of digested alcohol,” Officer Strong noted. A subsequent Breathalyzer test recorded the minor’s blood alcohol content at .236, nearly three times the legal limit.

    Seen in the above mug shot, Chapman remains in custody this morning at the county jail on the misdemeanor charge.

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    This is a tip for anyone seeking to successfully hide their narcotics and drug paraphernalia from the police:

    Do not place your illegal items inside a Crown Royal bag. You are not fooling anyone.

    Though the iconic bag shows that you are a discerning consumer of blended Canadian whisky, cops know that your felt enclosure with the gold tasseled drawstring does not, in fact, contain booze.

    For example, as seen in the below police report excerpts (click to enlarge), here is what cops have found this month in Crown Royal bags, both purple and green:

    * Crystal meth:

    * Marijuana:

    * Crack cocaine pipes and drug paraphernalia:

    * More marijuana:

    * Unmarked pill bottle and a “commercial sized thermometer”:

    While stashing illegal items in a Crown Royal bag appears to be gaining in popularity, the practice of hiding rocks of crack cocaine inside empty Krazy Glue tubes remains the drug trade’s most frequently seen repurposing of a commercial product for concealment needs.

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    A woman clobbered her live-in boyfriend in the face with a “pooper scooper” during an early-morning confrontation in their apartment, according to Florida cops.

    Megan Smith, 27, was arrested for battery around 5 AM Monday when an argument about “living arrangements” with victim Alexander Buck allegedly “turned physical.”

    Police charge that Smith “picked up a pooper scooper and hit the victim in the face with it multiple times.” The pooper scooper strikes knocked Buck’s glasses off his face and left him with “multiple abrasions to his left eyebrow and forehead.”

    Buck, who fled the couple’s Bradenton home and called 911, subsequently declined treatment from an EMS team dispatched to the residence.

    During police questioning, Smith reportedly copped to striking Buck with the scooper, which is used to handle cat litter. “She stated she hit him because the victim would not stop arguing with her,” an investigator noted.

    Smith, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was released yesterday from the county jail after posting $500 bond. She is scheduled for an October 15 arraignment on the misdemeanor charge.

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    Does it get more Greek than this?

    An intoxicated sorority leader was arrested early Saturday night after she urinated on the floor of a frozen yogurt shop near the University of Iowa campus, police report.

    Cops were called to Yotopia--which bills itself as “Iowa City’s Original FroYo”--after a woman relieved herself inside the business around 7 PM.

    Officers identified the suspect as Jestine Rands, a 20-year-old University of Iowa student. Rands, cops reported, smelled of booze, was “slurring her speech,” and had “bloodshot watery eyes.” Rands, who had an empty flask that smelled of alcohol, allegedly gave cops false information, claiming that her driver’s license was actually that of a friend.

    Pictured at right, Rands, a Nebraska native, was arrested for public intoxication, a misdemeanor.

    When not attending classes and urinating in froyo joints, the college junior serves as “New Member Educator” for the Chi Omega sorority. Earlier this month, Rands helped organize the sorority’s “Bid Day,” which welcomed 61 new members to the Chi Omega chapter.

    Rands’s bust came a day after University of Iowa officials announced the suspension of the Alpha Phi sorority in light of its “Bid Day” performance of a song that refers to binge drinking. To the tune “Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae),” the underage sorority sisters sang, “Now watch me chug/Now watch me shotgun, Now watch me chug, chug/Now watch me blackout.”