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    After matching with a man on a dating app, an Iowa woman exchanged texts with him before arranging to meet in person yesterday at her residence.

    But when Sumaya Thomas, 18, got “cold feet,” she dialed 911 in a remarkably harebrained bid to avoid an IRL interaction, according to cops.

    As detailed in a criminal complaint, Thomas, who lives in an Iowa City suburb, called police to report that her abusive ex-boyfriend had shown up outside her residence and was sending her threats via Snapchat to “hit, punch, kick, and stab her.”

    Thomas claimed that she “has known this man for two years and that she was pregnant with his baby.”

    Officers responding to Thomas’s residence encountered a “male leaving the scene” and began an “in depth investigation about the reports being made.” The man, who was detained by police, explained that he began speaking with Thomas “just over a week ago on a dating app,” and provided text messages that showed “he was being honest and he really did just meet this female.”

    After multiple interviews with police, Thomas (seen above) admitted she had been lying, claiming she “got cold feet on meeting him and no longer wanted to.” She fabricated her tales of abuse because she “didn’t think officers would help so she made up this call and the events that she described.”

    After being read her rights last night, Thomas, cops reported, explained she pulled the 911 gambit “because she didn’t want the male here and felt we wouldn’t be able to do anything if she just called normally.”

    Thomas, seen above, was arrested for placing a false 911 call and making a fake report of an indictable offense, both of which are misdemeanors. Thomas was released from the county jail earlier today following her initial court appearance.

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    A kilt-wearing Texas man today pleaded guilty to taking merchandise from antique stores and shoving the items up his rectum before returning them to display shelves.

    Mitchell Vest, 60, copped to criminal mischief in connection with vile incidents earlier this year at shops in Spring, a Houston suburb.

    As part of a plea deal, the 6’6”, 250-pound Vest was sentenced in Harris County Criminal Court to 12 months probation. Since Vest is a first-time offender, if he successfully completes the probationary term, the misdemeanor conviction could be wiped from his record.

    According to police, Vest visited one store and placed a makeup brush and a “Restoration Hardware piece” in his anus before placing them “back on the shelf for display.”

    The owner of a second business, “The Curiosity Shop” told cops that Vest took an antique bottle opener and a “Tobacco Tent Can” and “placed them into his anus under his green skirt/kilt, then returned the items to the shelf.”

    In both instances, the soiled merchandise--valued at a combined $204--had to be thrown away “due to feces on them,” investigators reported.

    Since his arrest, Vest--seen in action in the surveillance photo at top--has been free on $100 bond. Described as retired in court filings, Vest and his wife own a $600,000 home in The Woodlands, a Houston suburb.

    gross, Houston, kilt, Texas
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    After being stuffed into a patrol car, an accused vandal told police that his name was “Mr. Monopoly” and that he was born, of course, on 4-20-69, records show.

    Investigators say Ryan Howard, 33, was arrested Saturday evening for spray painting a wall in St. Petersburg, Florida.

    When officers confronted him, Howard had a bag slung over his shoulder containing “spray paint cans that could be observed in plain view.”

    Told that he was required to identify himself, Howard was initially mute. But after being detained, Howard “stated ‘Mr. Monopoly’ and provided a date of birth of 4/20/1969,” according to a cop.

    Howard was subsequently identified via his Maine driver's license.

    In addition to criminal mischief, Howard was charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for providing cops with a fake name and date of birth.

    Seen above, Howard had the chance to go directly to jail. He will be released from custody after officials collect $1000 bond.

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    As readers of this site know, TSG is committed to chronicling alleged crimes involving unorthodox weaponry. Today's installment:

    A Florida Woman was arrested Tuesday night after allegedly striking a man in the neck with a thrown cinnamon roll.

    Cops say Ann Marie Luna, 37, chucked the food item at the back of the 49-year-old victim’s head, “striking him at the base of the neck.” The cinnamon roll incident occurred at a transitional housing facility in St. Petersburg, Florida.

    An arrest affidavit does not reveal a motive for the alleged cinnamon roll attack, which was recorded by security cameras. After being read her rights, Luna, seen at right, reportedly admitted to tossing the delicacy.

    The affidavit indicates that no weapon was seized by investigators. The victim was not injured by the cinnamon roll, “but wishes prosecution,” police noted.

    Charged with misdemeanor battery, Luna was booked into the county jail, from which she was released last night after posting $500 bond.

    While a judge has ordered Luna to stay away from the victim, she is still legally permitted to have contact with frosted pastries.

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    In an attempt to hide from police, a wanted Florida Man somehow folded himself into a small front-loading dryer, a feat of audacity and pliablility that was eventually thwarted.

    David Jackson, 31, was being sought by cops on felony assault and weapons charges when investigators received a tip that Jackson was inside a Pensacola residence.

    During a search Friday of the residence, deputies discovered Jackson inside the laundry room. Inside “a remarkably small dryer drum,” cops reported. Jackson, wearing a purple Star Wars t-shirt, was pulled from the appliance and arrested.

    Jackson, pictured in these police photos, is being held in the Escambia County lockup in lieu of $120,000 bond.

    According to a June 2023 police report, Jackson is 5' 10" tall and weighs 150 pounds. TSG is endeavoring to determine the make and model of the dryer/bolthole.

    As reported in these pages, a man facing felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges was found earlier this year hiding inside a dryer in the kitchen of a Louisiana home.

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    An intoxicated motorist who was pulled over for driving erratically on an Iowa road provided police with a state ID card that “advised that the defendant was 8’ tall,” according to a criminal complaint.

    Investigators say that Joel Solorzano Villeda, 33, was behind the wheel of a 2016 Ford Focus that was “all over the road” Sunday as the vehicle traveled in the city of Rock Rapids.

    During a subsequent police stop, officers charge, Solorzano Villeda (seen at left) showed several signs of intoxication, had an open can of beer in his car, and possessed methamphetamine. A portable breath test returned an “over the per se limit” result.

    When asked for identification, Solorzano Villeda gave police a Minnesota ID card, the complaint alleges.

    A computer check of the name and number on the ID Solorzano Villeda provided turned up “no return.” Which probably came as little surprise to police who noticed that the phony ID “advised that the defendant was 8’ tall.”

    Solorzano Villeda--who is actually 5’ 8”--was arrested on several charges, including narcotics possession, operating a vehicle while intoxicated, and providing cops with a false ID. Additionally, a warrant check showed that he was wanted in another Iowa county for failure to appear in court on an earlier OWI rap.

    Solorzano Villeda, who lives in Little Rock, Iowa, is currently locked up in the Lyon County jail in advance of a May 23 court hearing.

    Iowa, tall tale
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    A handcuffed 73-year-old man somehow was able to “forcibly” throw a cheeseburger at a cop, leading to the suspect’s arrest on a felony battery charge, records show.

    Police responded Wednesday night to a Wawa convenience store in Fort Pierce, Florida “in reference to a subject being present who was previously trespassed.”

    Since the “trespass was still active,” police arrested Joseph Delancy and placed him in handcuffs. “During the detainment of Joseph, he was holding half of a cheeseburger,” an officer reported.

    “After being provided demands to drop said burger, he refused to do so,” according to an arrest report. “After the handcuffs were placed onto him, Joseph forcibly threw the burger into my right leg,” a cop added.

    The cheeseburger struck the patrolman, leaving behind burger “residue” on the thigh of the lawman (who survived the attack).

    Delancy was charged with trespassing, a misdemeanor, and battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He is locked up in lieu of $10,000 bond on the higher count.

    Delancy (seen at left) has a lengthy rap sheet that includes convictions for attempted murder, fraud, and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. He was arrested in 2022 for allegedly attempting to strike a cop with a metal pole.

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    The victim in the drive-by attack, cops say, was hit in the “arms, legs, and torso” by a road-raging Florida motorist.

    But the male escaped without injury because he was only struck by “pasta w/ sauce,” according to a police report.

    Cops allege that Nolan Goins, 46, was involved in a road rage incident “over glaring headlights” Thursday night while driving near his St. Petersburg residence.

    “The defendant threw food (pasta w/ sauce) from the passenger seat of his vehicle striking the victim through his open window as he operated his vehicle,” reported a sheriff’s deputy.

    Goins was “found with the same food stains on his right sleeve” as the male target of the pasta pelting.

    Seen at right, Goins was charged with battery, a misdemeanor, and booked into the county jail. Goins, who was freed on $1000 bond, is a painting contractor whose rap sheet includes convictions for selling marijuana, obstruction, and battery (twice), as well as a multitude of traffic infractions.

    Investigators did not identify the kind of pasta or sauce used in the alleged attack. It is also unclear if Goins was transporting his dinner (or leftovers) home or whether he regularly travels so armed.

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    A Texas woman went on a cruise and left her children--an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl--home alone in the family’s $3600-a-month apartment in Houston, police charge.

    According to a criminal complaint, neighbors of Lakesha Woods Williams, 29, spotted her departing the luxury McKinley Apartments on April 4 with “luggage and bags” and “never saw her return to the location.”

    Aware that children may have been left in the 21st floor apartment (which has a small balcony), a witness called police. Cops who visited the complex on April 9 discovered the two children in the apartment, which was “in complete disarray and had trash and left-over food all over the unit” and reeked of urine.

    The children told police that their mother “had left them since April 4, 2024, to go on vacation on a cruise and they did not know when she would return.” The boy used a phone to text his mother while she was vacationing, and cops found a webcam that Williams allegedly “was using to watch and talk to the children while she was away.”

    The children were examined by emergency service personnel and subsequently released to the custody of their aunt. When contacted by police, Williams (seen above) was uncooperative, refused to return to the residence, and “was switching up her story on her whereabouts,” according to the complaint and other court records.

    After an April 12 court hearing, a judge ordered Williams--who was busted on a felony child abandonment count--locked up in lieu of $25,000 bail, citing the “egregious nature of this offense” and witness accounts that “this is not the first time something like this has occurred.”

    Williams is scheduled for arraignment on June 11.

    According to a financial affidavit, Williams earns $6000 monthly working full-time for a nursing service. She has lived for the last year in a 1300-square-foot apartment with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The McKinley complex features an outdoor pool, clubroom, library, fitness club, sports lounge, and private wine storage.

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    A Missouri man is facing a felony theft charge for allegedly swiping eight “luxury” vibrators from an adult toy store and then trying to fence them via Facebook Marketplace , according to court records.

    Christopher Michael Booth, 34, was named yesterday in a felony complaint charging him with stealing the vibrators--valued at a combined $1539.20--from a Hustler Hollywood outlet in Berkeley, a St. Louis suburb.

    The purloined sex toys, which retail for around $200 apiece, are manufactured by Lelo, a Swedish company that advertises itself as “one of the world’s leading designer brands for intimate lifestyle products.”

    Booth last month allegedly took the vibrators from a display, placed them in a white trash bag, and raced out of the store.

    Employees told police they recognized the suspect because he had been in the store a day earlier and had argued with them before being asked to leave. The man, workers also recalled, had the number “314” prominently tattooed on his neck (314 is the main St. Louis area code).

    Items “consistent with those stolen from the store” were later “offered for sale on Facebook Marketplace under defendant’s Facebook profile,” police allege.

    Booth’s rap sheet includes multiple theft convictions.

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    On Easter, the manager of a Walgreens store suffered a Bible belting “because she was being rude,” according to a customer who is now facing a felony battery charge.

    Police say Peter Owens, 35, went to the pharmacy Sunday evening to purchase a pair of headphones. While at the Clearwater, Florida business, Owens got into a “verbal altercation” with an employee over the headphones, according to a criminal complaint.

    When Nicole Merck, the 36-year-old store manager, approached Owens (seen at right) and asked him to leave the Walgreens, “Peter used the brown Bible in his hand and struck Nicole in the face one time before he exited the store.”

    After the alleged Bible battery, cops located Owens and took him into custody. After being read his rights, Owens reportedly admitted to striking Merck “in the face one time with his Bible because she was being rude to him.”

    “Peter stated he did not mean to hit her,” Officer Ryan Wall reported.

    The criminal charge against Owens was enhanced to a felony count since he has a 2020 conviction in Michigan for assault & battery (for which he was sentenced to a year’s probation).

    Owens was released from the county jail last night after posting $5000 bond. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with Merck and he must stay away from the Walgreens outlet.

    According to his Facebook page, Owens works as a golf instructor and is a Wayne State University graduate. A Grosse Pointe, Michigan native, Owens now lives in Ellenton, a Gulf Coast city near Sarasota.

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    A Florida Woman has begun serving a prison sentence for a recent naked rampage at a convenience store that included a masturbation session conducted in front of police, records show.

    Celia Barrett, 35, pleaded guilty earlier this month to a variety of criminal charges stemming from her unclothed antics at a RaceTrac convenience store in late-January.

    Barrett was sentenced to 15 months in state prison after copping to aggravated assault, a felony, and four misdemeanors, including exposure of sexual organs and disorderly intoxication. Following her sentencing, Barrett was transferred on March 20 from the Pinellas County jail to the custody of the Florida Department of Corrections.

    Al alleged by police, a drunken Barrett threatened workers at a RaceTrac in St. Petersburg with a sharp-edged vegetable peeler and destroyed merchandise. Also, “The defendant prior to being taken into custody began masturbating in front of deputies, while still inside of the [store],” a cop noted.

    In addition to the prison term, Barrett--who has previously served time for battery and marijuana possession--was ordered to pay fines, fees, and court costs totaling around $1100.

    Barrett is pictured above in a Department of Corrections intake photo.

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    A Chipotle manager exposed himself and masturbated in the dining room of a Pennsylvania restaurant, according to police who say that a female victim “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans” when she got up to leave the table where the man had allegedly been pleasuring himself.

    Following the March 1 incident at the eatery in Camp Hill, a Harrisburg suburb, two women went to the local police station to “report a sexual assault,” according to a March 18 criminal complaint.

    The women--one of whom was a former Chipotle employee--detailed an encounter with Kyseem Ransome, the 26-year-old manager. The duo told cops they were seated at a communal table (seen below) talking with Ransome and other employees when Ransome began “doing something with his hands down his crotch.”

    One of the women said she saw Ransome “touching his penis outside his pants,” recalling that she was “in denial” and looked away. The woman added that Ransome “grabbed numerous napkins and placed them down by his penis” and subsequently “brought one napkin up from his crotch and placed it on the table. The napkin was sticking to itself.”

    The second woman reported noticing Ransome “moving his hands a lot down around his penis,” adding that she “could see him jacking off.”

    When the former Chipotle worker got up to leave the table, she “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans,” the complaint alleges.

    During police questioning, Ransome reportedly “confirmed the incident” in verbal and written statements. He was charged yesterday with multiple misdemeanors, including indecent assault, open lewdness, and indecent exposure.

    Ransome was suspended from Chipotle and, if he has not been already, is expected to be fired. Ransome is pictured above wearing his Chipotle uniform in a selfie apparently snapped in the restaurant’s bathroom.