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    Two Ohioans are facing theft charges after they allegedly swiped four “sexual pleasure aids” from a Walmart during a 1:45 AM shopping trip, police report.

    Yes, Walmart sells “sexual pleasure aids.”

    According to cops, Walmart security guards detained Kia Porter, 23, and Geoffrey Greene, 20, after the Cleveland residents were spotted last week stashing the merchandise into Porter’s purse as they moved through the store in South Euclid, a Cleveland suburb.

    When later confronted, Porter was “initially verbally combative,” and the pair refused to cooperate with security guards. But when cops arrived, Porter (seen at right) turned over her purse, which contained two Trojan Intense Pleasure vibrating rings and two LifeStyles a:muse “his and hers vibrating ring and massager.”

    The devices were valued at a combined $30.52.

    Cited for theft, Porter and Greene are scheduled for a September 11 court appearance on the misdemeanor charge.

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    A Florida man was arrested early yesterday after he allegedly reached inside a drive-thru window and groped a female Taco Bell employee, cops say.

    According to a police report, Philip Guerrero, 38, placed an order around 2 AM and then drove to the pick-up window at the Bradenton restaurant.

    Upon arriving at the window, Guerrero “exited from his vehicle and reached inside of the window and grabbed the victim’s left butt cheek.” The Taco Bell worker, Kerri Pasatta, 40, told police that she wanted to press charges (and she provided investigators with a sworn affidavit).

    Alcohol, cops noted, was a factor in the alleged Taco Bell groping.

    Guerrero was arrested for simple battery and booked Saturday into the Manatee County jail. He was later released from custody after posting $500 bond, and is scheduled for an October 2 court appearance on the misdemeanor charge.

    Court records show that Guerrero’s rap sheet includes two prior battery arrests, as well as collars for drunk driving and possession of drug paraphernalia.

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    On hump day, flip-flops triggered an auto crash in Wisconsin, according to police who reported that one of the vehicles involved was hauling a camel.

    The accident Wednesday was caused when Kelly Ellison, a 28-year-old Milwaukee woman wearing flip-flops, somehow got her footwear caught and “was unable to stop at the stop sign.” Her auto was then hit by a pickup truck pulling a trailer containing a camel named Eli.

    A press release from the Caledonia Police Department reports that Ellison and her three-year-old child were not injured in the crash. However, the other driver--whose truck went into a ditch--suffered leg and back injuries.

    The camel, a resident of Jo Don Farms, survived the accident unscathed and will return to work giving small children rides on its back.

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    A Los Angeles lawyer was arrested this week for heroin trafficking, according to court records

    Glen Hunsberger, 46, was named in an August 26 felony complaint detailing how he and several associates have been the target of a year-long federal investigation into drug distribution and money laundering.

    On Monday, Hunsberger was stopped by Transportation Security Administration officers at a checkpoint in the Dayton, Ohio airport. A duffel bag he was carrying held more than $90,000 in cash. During subsequent questioning by federal agents, Hunsberger claimed to be transporting the money to Las Vegas on behalf of a man whose name he did not know.

    While contending not to know the man’s identity, Hunsberger referred to him as a “client” who works in the clothing industry. Hunsberger said that he has made over 10 trips to Ohio to pick up cash, which he then flew with to Las Vegas (before driving the money to Los Angeles, where it was picked up by “Carlos,” his client’s representative).

    The criminal charge against Hunsberger stems from a package of heroin that was mailed last year by an associate of the attorney. Last month, a search of Hunsberger’s Las Vegas home turned up 20 pounds of marijuana, half-a-pound of crack cocaine, and assorted drug packaging equipment.     

    According to the U.S. District Court complaint, Hunsberger was arrested in 1994 for “possessing three kilos of cocaine and $33,000.00 in a Las Vegas hotel room.” The document does not detail the disposition of that case.

    In June, Hunsberger celebrated his birthday with a trip to Disneyland. As seen above, he was spotted meeting at the California amusement park with Minnie Mouse. The Disney figure, however, has not been implicated in the lawyer’s alleged drug distribution or money smuggling.

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    A Florida stripper yesterday hung up the phone on a cop trying to locate her missing 10-year-old daughter because she was due on stage at a gentlemen’s club, police report.

    Bobbey Jo Boucher, 29, was arrested last night for misdemeanor obstruction and booked into the Pasco County jail. Boucher, pictured at right, was released from custody this morning after posting $663 bond.

    Cops were summoned yesterday to Boucher’s home by the child’s grandmother, who reported that the girl had been missing for four hours. The woman told officers that Boucher had “left the child at a BBQ up the street as she went to work” Wednesday afternoon at the Calendar Girls strip club.

    When the child did not return from the barbecue, her grandmother called cops. In turn, Pasco County Sheriff’s Office deputies contacted Boucher at the club. But while speaking with a deputy, Boucher “stated ‘I have to get on stage’ and hung up the phone.”

    Boucher subsequently contended that she did not hang up on the deputy, but rather just “transferred to another caller who was calling her.” That explanation did not fly with cops, who noted that the hang up prevented them from entering information about the girl into a missing child databse.

    The girl was eventually found unharmed around 9 PM. Her mother was busted an hour later.

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    Meet Shakieria Anquanette Shan Long.

    The 22-year-old Florida woman stabbed a man in the neck earlier this month after he declined her requests to have sex, police allege.

    Long, pictured at right, was “barbecuing and drinking” with friends at a Fort Pierce home on August 12 when trouble began, according to a witness cited in a police report.

    The witness said that he was lounging on a couch when Long and the victim, Eugene Sylvester, entered the residence. “The suspect was screaming that she wanted the victim to have sex with her,” cops reported. But Sylvester, 32, declined Long’s advances, telling her to “go back where she had been all day and have sex.”

    Sylvester told cops that Long was his children’s babysitter.  

    Long, who is known as “Sha Sha,” subsequently followed Sylvester to his room, where she allegedly “grabbed a knife and started jabbing” at him with the weapon. She then beckoned the witness, telling him that she had stabbed Sylvester (and that he was “leaking”).

    The witness told investigators that he pressed a towel to Sylvester’s neck and began walking him home. But Long ran after them and “started punching the victim in his face,” as first reported by TCPalm.

    During police questioning, Sylvester--whose wound needed a few stitches--said he did not want to have sex with Long due to her heavy drinking. While confirming that Long stabbed him in the neck, Sylvester said that he did not want to press charges against her.

    Collared for felony battery, Long was booked into the St. Lucie County jail, where she remains locked up. At the time of the stabbing, Long was free on $3750 bond in connection with a June 6 arrest for disorderly intoxication, resisting arrest, and battery on a law enforcement officer. That bond was cancelled following this month’s bust.

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    The Internal Revenue Service has socked actress and ex-Miss America Vanessa Williams with a nearly $370,000 lien for unpaid taxes.

    The 51-year-old performer is being dunned in connection with her 2011 personal tax return. The IRS is demanding $369,249.89 from Williams, according to a federal tax lien filed earlier this month.

    The lien includes the address of a Manhattan-based accounting firm known for its representation of entertainers, including Williams, the former star of “Ugly Betty” and “Desperate Housewives.”

    Williams, who lives in Chappaqua, a tony New York City suburb, was hit with the lien after failing to pay an IRS assessment that was issued in November 2012.

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    A convicted felon being sought for violating parole was arrested after he posted an "Ice Bucket Challenge" video to Facebook, where it was spotted by a tipster who alerted Nebraska cops to the ex-con’s whereabouts.

    Jesean Morris was apprehended Friday by gang unit officers following up on information provided by a source who was aware that the 20-year-old Omaha resident was a wanted man (for absconding).

    Morris, pictured at right, was sentenced to six years in state prison for two felony convictions--assault and use of a firearm during the commission of a crime. Morris, then 16, was arrested in April 2010 and charged as an adult for his role in a shootout that left two men wounded. He was released from custody in late-March on “discretionary parole,” according to state records.

    After watching Morris’s "Ice Bucket Challenge" clip, the tipster contacted Omaha cops with an address where the video appeared to have just been recorded by Morris. During police surveillance of the property, investigators spotted Morris being driven away from the home.

    The vehicle was later stopped by cops, who arrested Morris (who initially lied about his identity). Compounding matters, Morris also allegedly spit on one officer and damaged a patrol car.

    In addition to the parole warrant, according to jail records, Morris was charged with assaulting an officer with bodily fluid, criminal mischief, resisting arrest, and criminal impersonation.

    Since Morris is locked up in the Douglas County jail in lieu of $40,000 bond, it is unclear whether he will be able to fulfill any pledge made to the ALS Association, which hatched the "Ice Bucket Challenge" as a way to raise money for the fight against “Lou Gehrig's disease.”

    Morris’s Facebook acquaintances were displeased to learn of the circumstances of his arrest. “Fb the police all the way,” groused one man, while another commenter noted, “Thats fucked up they straight snitched on his ass.”

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    After paying $350 for a private dance at a gentlemen’s club, a Montana man called police to complain that the stripper did not have sex with him. 

    William McDaniel, 53, paid for the dance Saturday evening at Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker, a Butte suburb.

    But when he did not get the expected sex, he dialed 911 to register a consumer complaint.

    This was a mistake on McDaniel’s part.

    After questioning McDaniel, police arrested him for offering money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor. He was booked into the Butte-Silver Bow Detention Center, from which he was released Sunday morning after posting $550 bond.

    It is unclear whether McDaniel (seen in the above mug shot) allegedly sought the sex in the Champagne Room at Sagebrush Sam’s, which has only one review on Yelp. In March, “Dan M.” complained that the club “is dirty and smells like vomit” and needed a “complete makeover.” He added, “Even the stripper pole looked like it was going to break loose from the floor. Cleanliness and attitude need to be addressed. I will not go back.”

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    In a marvelously meta moment, a 19-year-old last week posed for a jail booking photo while wearing a t-shirt with a reproduction of the mug shot taken of him after a June arrest for drunk driving.

    Robert Burt was busted for operating under the influence and driving without a license. Burt, a resident of the central Maine town of Pittsfield, posed for a June 14 booking photo (seen below) at the Somerset County Jail. He was wearing a white t-shirt and held a slate in his right hand.

    After copping a drunk driving plea, Burt was ordered to spend two days in custody, beginning August 8 at 6 PM. “Going to do my 48 hours whoo,” Burt announced on Facebook two hours before surrendering.

    When he later arrived at the jail, Burt was searched, directed to pose for a mug shot, and shown to a cell. He was especially prepared for the booking photo session.

    As seen in the above mug shot (click to enlarge), a coworker of Burt’s at a Pittsfield restaurant created a shirt with a reproduction of the booking photo taken following his mid-June arrest. The t-shirt photo was captioned “Burt Family Reunion 8/8-8/10/2014” and “sponsored by Bud Light and Somerset County Sheriff.”

    Beneath Burt’s mug shot was a second image showing a cat sitting on a couch flanked by a TV remote and a bottle of Bud Light. The cat photo, sadly, was too far down the shirt to be captured by the jail’s mug shot camera.

    Burt, who happily wore the orange shirt for his jail photo, subsequently wrote on Facebook that corrections officers made him hold the slate in a way “so you could see the shirt.” He added, “They laughed there asses off haha.” The shirt’s mention of a family reunion is an apparent reference to an incarcerated Burt relative.

    Following his 48 hours in the clink, Burt emerged from the Somerset County lockup last Sunday evening and went to Facebook to share the good news with friends. “I’m out bitchs,” he wrote. Two days later, he delivered a glowing review of his jail photo. “Probably the best mug shot ever haha,” Burt decreed.

    DUI, Maine, meta, Mug Shot
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    A Washington woman who was wearing a short dress and no underwear is facing an indecent exposure charge after allegedly “humping” lawn chairs, exposing herself to a woman and two children, and urinating in public, according to police.

    Sila Hans, 33, was arrested earlier this month by cops responding to a report of “an intoxicated female exposing herself and urinating on the lawn” of a Seattle residence.

    A female witness told officers that Hans, seen above, “had come onto her lawn and was ‘humping’ the lawn chairs,” according to a Seattle Police Department report. The woman added that she and her two children--ages 15 and 11--watched Hans’s late-afternoon performance from a window in their home.

    After grinding on the lawn chairs, Hans allegedly “exposed her vagina,” and then “smacked” her genitals “with her hand multiple times.” Additionally, the witnesses reported that Hans relieved herself on the lawn and “bent over and exposed her bottom.”

    Cops who confronted Hans reported that she was “extremely intoxicated” and “displaying erratic behavior.” She was “wearing a short dress with no underwear,” noted Officer Nicolas Olsen, who arrested Hans for indecent exposure.

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    During an argument with his girlfriend inside their trailer home, a Tennessee man allegedly threw a car seat--with the couple’s baby inside--at the woman, cops allege.

    According to criminal complaints, John Woodley Jr., 37, punched the victim in the eye Saturday night, prompting her to try to leave the Clarksville residence with the couple’s seven-month-old son.

    At that point, Woodley, seen below, “took the child’s car seat that still had the child in it and slung it” at the woman, reported Officer Coz Minetos. As first reported by The Leaf Chronicle, Woodley told the woman to “take the baby and leave the trailer.”

    The baby was not harmed in the tossing, though investigators have referred the incident to the state’s Department of Children's Services, according to a Clarksville Police Department spokesperson. The woman was treated for an eye injury at a local hospital.

    Charged with domestic violence and child abuse, Woodley was booked into the county jail, where he was later released after posting $7500 bond. Woodley, who works at the Tilted Kilt bar, is scheduled for an August 18 arraignment in Montgomery County Circuit Court.

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    Like Microsoft and Google, Verizon is also scanning its customer accounts for evidence of child pornography

    As detailed in a U.S. District Court filing made last week by federal prosecutors, the telecommunications giant can identify illicit photos passing through its system via sophisticated software that relies on a “hash database of such images.”

    A reference to Verizon’s scanning abilities is contained in court records related to the prosecution of a California man named last month in a six-count felony indictment accusing him of possessing and receiving child pornography.

    According to federal prosecutors, Verizon last year detected a customer attempting to upload an illicit image using the firm’s V CAST service, which allows users to “store, manage, and access content from a remote storage server on their V CAST enabled devices.”

    Upon identifying the file as “possibly containing illegal images of minors,” Verizon submitted a report to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. The organization, in turn, contacted law enforcement authorities.