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    A Florida man named Edward Cocaine was arrested this week on a felony drug charge.

    Cocaine, a 34-year-old Fort Lauderdale resident, was collared Tuesday evening after a cop pulled over his 2007 Toyota due to an obscured license plate.

    As detailed in a Pembroke Pines Police Department report, an officer noticed a Xanax pill in the vehicle’s door pocket. Cocaine later copped to having a second Xanax pill, which he said he had purchased for $5 from an acquaintance.

    Since Cocaine did not have a prescription for the anti-anxiety medicine, he was charged with felony drug possession. The police report notes that Cocaine--who started working at Home Depot two weeks ago--weighs 200 pounds, or 90.75 kilograms.

    Cocaine (seen above) was freed on his own recognizance by a bemused Florida judge who had never previously handled a criminal case involving a Cocaine.

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    A California man jailed on federal cocaine trafficking charges can, of course, be seen proudly posing in front of a “Scarface” poster in a photo uploaded to his Facebook page.

    On March 25, federal agents arrested Cesar Anguiano, 35, for allegedly transporting about 15 kilos of cocaine to Ohio, where the drug was intended for customer Mark Walker (whose rap sheet includes a narcotics trafficking conviction).

    In addition to seizing the 15 bricks of cocaine from a car driven by his brother, agents recovered more than $275,000 from a Chrysler being driven by Anguiano (who is locked up without bail).

    As detailed in an April 14 U.S. District Court filing, investigators want Facebook to preserve information from Cesar Anguiano’s account so that it can be reviewed for evidence of any contact with Walker, who has also been charged with conspiracy to distribute cocaine.

    As seen above, Anguiano’s Facebook page includes a photo of him posing in front of a “Scarface” poster, which appears to hang on a wall in his Ontario, California home. The artwork, which shows Tony Montana firing a machine gun, includes the quote “Say hello to my little friend.” The 1983 film is listed twice among movies that Anguiano “likes.”

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    Meet Christopher Nicholas Hiatt.

    The 34-year-old Montana man is locked up in lieu of $45,000 bond after allegedly licking the eye of a police officer seeking to arrest him Saturday night outside the Pisser’s Palace tavern.

    Police encountered Hiatt after he called 911 to report a theft. After discovering that Hiatt had an active arrest warrant from a neighboring county, officers sought to arrest him. According to investigators, Hiatt struggled when cops sought to handcuff him.

    As officers subsequently tried to stuff Hiatt (seen above) in a patrol car, he allegedly licked one of the cop’s eyes. The licking occurred in front of Pisser’s Palace in Walkerville, a Butte suburb.

    According to jail records, Hiatt is being held on four charges, including felony assault on a peace officer and assault with bodily fluid, a misdemeanor.

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    A Texas man was sentenced yesterday to 18 months in state prison for urinating on the Alamo.

    Daniel Athens, a 23-year-old El Paso resident, pleaded guilty earlier this year to a criminal mischief charge in connection with the April 2012 incident at the Texas shrine. While Athens could have faced a maximum of two years in custody, a plea deal saved him up to six months in custody.

    Athens was also ordered to pay $4000 in restitution by District Judge Ray Olivarri. Since Athens is not eligible for parole, he will have to serve the entirety of his 18-month sentence.

    As detailed in a San Antonio Police Department report, an Alamo Ranger spotted the tipsy Athens standing in a “chained off area not open to the public” making “the motions of putting his penis back in his pants.” Upon investigation, the cop discovered that there was “a puddle on the original mortar of the Shrine.”

    Urinating on the 250-year-old “Shrine of Texas Liberty” can cause damage to the landmark since the Alamo’s “limestone absorbs the salt and then pushes the salt out. When the salt gets pushed out so does the face of the limestone and through this process the urine contributes to the eroding of the limestone,” police reported.

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    Though they were just deservedly inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, members of Bruce Springsteen’s E Street Band will still have to break out the plastic if they want to arrange concert tickets for friends.

    A 2014 tour handbook distributed to band and road crew members notes that, “There are no complimentary tickets for the show.” The document, prepared by tour director George Travis, helpfully notes that, “We will supply credit card forms so tickets can be paid for in advance.”

    After performing a series of dates earlier this year in South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand, Springsteen & Co. this month opened a 17-show tour leg that includes performances at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival and a Connecticut casino.

    The Springsteen handbook also contains a section on “Public Awareness / Social Media” that cautions tour personnel about “posting any tidbit” of personal blogs, Twitter, or Facebook. “Sometimes it’s good therapy to write that note, but maybe hold off on hitting the send!”

    Springsteen himself has been less cautious “on hitting the send,” judging by a recent selfie tear that has amused the performer's Instagram followers. Along with shots of him riding his motorcycle and posing in front of assorted signs, Springsteen uploaded the above photo from inside a roadside tavern near Lake Okeechobee in Florida.

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     4/8 UPDATE: Cops bust minor for urinal grope attempt at Walmart

    Police are seeking the public’s help in identifying a suspect in connection with an attempted urinal groping last month at a Walmart in South Carolina.

    According to investigators, a 26-year-old Tennessee man was standing at a urinal when a white male “using the urinal beside the victim reached with his hand towards the victim’s genitalia.”

    The suspect, described as a white male in his 20s wearing a hoodie and jeans, did not succeed in touching the victim, who pushed the suspect and “stepped back quickly.” The man subsequently contacted a Walmart manager about the March 15 incident.

    In a bid to identify the suspect, the Spartanburg County Sheriff’s Office yesterday released the above Walmart surveillance photos showing the man inside the store. If collared, the urinal creeper will be charged with attempted assault.

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    An Oregon motorist wearing a “Drunk As Shit” t-shirt was arrested Sunday night on a DUI charge.

    Ross McMakin, a 21-year-old Corvalis resident, was collared after he drove his vehicle on the sidewalk, struck a parked car, and then assaulted his girlfriend when she tried to seize the car keys.

    According to cops, McMakin, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was behind the wheel because his girlfriend did not know how to drive a stick shift.  

    McMakin was charged with an assortment of crimes, including drunk driving, reckless endangerment, harassment, and strangulation (for throttling his girlfriend).

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    An elderly yoga enthusiast is facing a federal obscenity charge after he was spotted masturbating on National Park Service property, after which he picked up a dead animal and threw it at a passing car, according to court records.

    Bill Kachle, 68, was arrested last month after Jared Tyng, a United States Park Police officer, responded to a complaint about a “disorderly male subject” along the Mount Vernon Trail in northern Virginia.

    Two female witnesses pointed Tyng in the direction of Kachle, a Washington, D.C. resident who was “holding a yoga pose” nearby. The women said that they were walking along a bike trail when Kachle--who was waving his arms and “shouting odd statements”--dropped his pants and began masturbating.

    “Thereafter, the subject then picked up a dead animal, ran into the northbound lanes of travel on the George Washington Memorial Parkway and threw the dead animal at a passing car,” according to a U.S. District Court complaint. After flinging the animal, Kachle “returned to the trail, pointed at both women and masturbated again,” Tyng added.

    Kachle was arrested March 27 on the misdemeanor “disorderly conduct/obscene acts” count.

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    Meet Jermaine Jones.

    Responding to a report about a “naked man who was riding a tricycle throughout” a New Jersey housing complex, police last night arrested the 31-year-old after they found him hiding under a stairwell.

    Jones, who was sans clothes, “was chewing on glass and cigarette tobacco” when confronted by a Lakewood Police Department officer. Seen in the adjacent photo, Jones “admitted to ingesting cocaine,” cops reported.

    Police transported Jones to a local hospital for treatment of minor cuts to his mouth caused by his glass chewing. He was later charged with disorderly conduct and being under the influence of a controlled dangerous substance.

    Jones was released from state prison in November after serving more than two years for a robbery conviction.

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    A Utah man named Christopher Reeves was wearing a Superman t-shirt when arrested early today for methamphetamine possession and driving under the influence.

    The 33-year-old Reeves (seen in the above mug shot) was allegedly speeding and driving erratically around 3 AM when Davis County sheriff's deputies pulled over his vehicle.

    Reeves, who appeared impaired, was arrested after failing a field sobriety test. A subsequent search of his car turned up a large bag of meth, drug paraphernalia, and the synthetic drug Spice.

    Charged with narcotics possession, DUI, and other counts, Reeves was booked into the county jail, where he remains locked up in lieu of $15,000 bail.

    Investigators felt the need to point out that Reeves is not related to Christopher Reeve, the late actor who portrayed Superman in four movies. Reeves also presumably is not related to George Reeves, who played Superman in the 1950s TV series “Adventures of Superman.”

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    Now this is drunk:

    An intoxicated Indiana man found passed out in the driver’s seat of his car was in his underwear, had on one sock, and was wearing his pants like a shirt, cops report.

    Bryan Hill, 24, was behind the wheel of a 2013 Honda yesterday when police found the vehicle blocking traffic, according to an Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department report.

    As detailed by a cop, Hill, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was “wearing only a t-shirt, underwear and one sock.” The officer added that Hill “did have pants on, but they were on his arms. Both arms were inserted into the legs of his jeans.”

    Hill was arrested around 4 AM Sunday for public intoxication and obstructing traffic.

    Hill is locked up without bond in the Marion County jail due to a hold from another county. He is scheduled to appear in court tomorrow morning.

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    Cops last night announced the arrest of a convicted sex offender for allegedly sucking the toes of a female Walmart shopper as she tried on shoes inside a North Carolina store.

    Michael Anthony Brown, 31, was collared yesterday and charged with assault in connection with the unsettling incident Monday morning at a Walmart in Lincolnton, a city about 40 miles northwest of Charlotte. Brown is pictured in the adjacent mug shot.

    After investigators publicized the toe licking--and released photos from a Walmart surveillance camera--a police officer from another North Carolina city recognized Brown, who cops reported is “a registered sex offender that has been charged with similar crimes in the past.”

    Booked into jail on a felony count, Brown is being held in lieu of a $50,000 secured bond. According to North Carolina records, Brown was placed on the state’s sex offender registry in mid-2004 following his release from prison (he served time for an “attempted rape or attempted sex offense” conviction).

    Police allege that Brown approached the 35-year-old victim inside Walmart and struck up a conversation with her “about shoes.” Claiming to be a podiatry student, Brown somehow talked the victim into trying on several pairs of footwear in the store’s shoe department. The woman told cops that she “believed the subject may have been a Wal-Mart employee.”

    While helping the woman try on shoes, Brown allegedly took her foot, placed it in his mouth, and “began to suck on the victim’s toes.” When the woman became upset, Brown allegedly offered to pay for her groceries, according to police. Brown can be seen entering the Lincolnton Walmart in the below store surveillance photo.

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    Oklahoma cops are searching for a McDonald’s patron who pointed a gun at a teenage drive-thru worker after discovering that his order was missing an item.

    A female cashier told police that a vehicle came through the drive-thru late Tuesday night and the driver picked up an order. But after discovering that the McDonald’s bag was short an item, a male passenger became upset, according to police in Chickasha, a city 40 miles southwest of Oklahoma City.

    At that point, the suspect, who was in the vehicle’s back seat, pointed a gun at the employee and warned, “Don’t make me use this” and “Don’t let it happen again.”

    Cops received conflicting accounts over what item was reportedly missing from the order. The cashier said that the customer complained that dipping sauce was not included in the order, while another witness said the dispute involved french fries.

    Chickasha Police Department officers are investigating the matter as a felonious pointing of a firearm (whether or not the gun was real or if the incident was a prank).