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    A wanted woman who police recently discovered hiding inside a hotel couch has been sentenced to serve two years in prison for drug dealing, records show.

    Stacy Usher, 39, was arrested last year after she sold fentanyl to a police informant in Citrus County, Florida.

    Earlier this year, Usher pleaded no contest to a pair of felony counts and was sentenced to 24 months of probation, as well as drug offender conditions that included random testing and a prohibition against consuming alcohol.

    In late-October, Usher was accused of violating terms of her probation, and a judge subsequently issued an arrest warrant for her. Usher would later beg not to be violated, since she claimed her life would be in danger if sent to prison (Usher said she had once been a “primary witness” against someone who received a 20-year sentence).

    Cops caught up to Usher last month at the Bella Oasis Hotel, which advertises itself asthe best hotel in Homosassa Springs, Florida.” As seen in the above police photo, Usher had actually burrowed into a couch in a bid to hide from sheriff’s deputies.

    After being extracted from the furniture, Usher was booked into roomier accomodations at the county jail.

    Usher, whose rap sheet includes worthless check, fraud, and grand theft convictions, appeared earlier this month in Circuit Court, where a judge revoked her probation and sentenced her to 24 months in state prison.

    Usher will soon be committed to the custody of Florida’s Department of Corrections, which does not outfit its dormitories or cells with love seats.

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    Claiming that his food order was not properly cooked, an aggrieved customer struck a Wawa worker with a piece of chicken “covered in a spicy Nashville sauce that got into the victim’s eye,” say cops who busted the alleged poultry pelter.

    The 1:20 AM confrontation yesterday at a Wawa convenience store in St. Petersburg, Florida resulted in the arrest of Daniel Palomino, 32, on a misdemeanor battery charge, according to court records.

    Palomino, police say, became upset “because he believed that [the chicken] was not cooked completely.” He then confronted the worker “and responded by throwing the chicken on the victim.”

    While the “chicken was covered in a spicy Nashville sauce that got into the victim’s eye,” the Wawa employee did not suffer “bodily harm,” noted cops.

    Palomino, who lives about a mile from the Wawa, was under the influence of alcohol when confronted by sheriff’s deputies. Seen above, he was booked into the county jail, from which he was released Sunday afternoon upon posting $500 bond.

    The chicken was not seized as evidence, though police did confiscate a baseball bat from Palomino, whose rap sheet includes convictions for cocaine possession; aggravated assault; theft, possession of drug paraphernalia; criminal mischief; marijuana possession; and probation violation.

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    A man wearing a shirt declaring “I just got out of prison” was locked up anew Sunday after police responded to a 911 call about a male suspect entering a parked car and stealing a wallet.

    Michael Gordon, 46, pleaded no contest yesterday to a misdemeanor obstruction charge and was sentenced to five days in custody and fined $500, Florida court records show.

    The criminal count against Gordon stemmed from his refusal to identify himself to deputies probing the reported auto break-in. A portable fingerprint scanner was used to identify Gordon, who told cops to “Call my lawyer.”

    Gordon’s shirt accurately reflected his most recent scrape with the law.

    Gordon, who is listed as a transient, was convicted in late-July of trespass after he unsuccessfully tried to enter a Dodge van parked in a St. Petersburg lot. Originally charged with attempted burglary, a felony, Gordon copped to a reduced misdemeanor count and was sentenced to 115 days in jail (which he had already spent behind bars following his late-March arrest).

    When he posed for a December 3 booking photo, Gordon, seen above, had changed out of his “prison” shirt into his orange jail smock.

    Gordon’s rap sheet includes convictions for burglary; narcotics possession; trespass; theft, prowling; criminal mischief; and obstructing police.

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    Meet Max Alexander Krejckant.

    The 33-year-old Floridian was arrested Saturday after he allegedly refused to pay for a $250 tattoo he received from the Ink Godz shop in St. Petersburg.

    Krejckant was reportedly under the influence when he got the Waffle House logo tattooed on his right calf.

    While the restaurant chain’s emblem is yellow and black, Krejckant’s tattoo--about five inches wide--was gray and black since he did not want to pay an additional $100 for yellow ink, said Ink Godz owner Neil Marcus.

    When it came time to pay for the tattoo, Krejckant (seen at right) “refused all options to satisfy his debts,” cops reported. A police frisk of Krejckant turned up only “six dollars and a driver’s license in his bag and nothing on his person.”

    Charged with theft, Krejckant, who lives in nearby Clearwater, bonded out of jail last night after posting $150. He has pleaded not guilty to the misdemeanor count.

    In addition to his fresh Waffle House art/piece of evidence (seen below), Krejckant has several other tattoos, including a black and white tribute to Insane Clown Posse on his forearm.

    Marcus said customers occasionally try to walk out without paying for tattoos, but that usually occurs during Spring Break, not the holiday season.

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    After stealing $800 worth of Barbie toys from a Buffalo-area Walmart, a New York woman led police on a 100+ mph chase, according to investigators.

    Cops say Emoni Thompson, 26, swiped the Barbie haul Monday afternoon from a Walmart Supercenter in Lockport. After walking out of the retailer, Thompson departed in a 2016 Ford Escape, according to the New York State Police.

    After officers spotted Thompson’s car, they activated emergency lights and sought to have her pull over. Instead, Thompson continued to flee, hitting speeds in excess of 100 mph.

    Citing public safety concerns, cops say they discontinued the chase, but located the Buffalo resident the following day and arrested her for larceny, fleeing an officer, and multiple traffic offenses.

    Thompson was issued an appearance ticket and is due in a Lockport court next month.

    It is unclear whether the Barbie merchandise was recovered, or whether the stolen goods included a Dreamhouse or any products featuring Ken, Barbie’s reported boyfriend, or her sister Skipper.

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    When a corrections officer found a “plastic cylinder” containing methamphetamine under his penis, a Florida Man denied ownership of the narcotics and claimed to be “unsure of how the package got in his underwear,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    The discovery of drugs in the drawers of Caleb Phillips, 46, came yesterday evening as he “undressed from his civilian clothing and changed into his jail clothing” at the Indian River County Jail.

    Phillips was arrested Monday on a warrant charging him with failure to appear in court in connection with a pending 2022 DUI case.

    Seen above, Phillips reportedly told a sheriff's deputy that he “did not place the cylinder in his underwear,” but speculated that the meth was somehow “placed there while he was asleep.” Phillips apparently did not identify who purportedly accessed his underwear for the meth delivery.

    While disavowing knowledge of the cylinder, Phillips “advised that he believed it" to contain Advil pills. Cops noted that the meth was inside a small package of Advil inside the cylinder, indicating that Phillips was aware of what the clear container held.

    Phillips was charged with narcotics possession and smuggling contraband into a detention facility, both of which are felonies. He is being held without bond and is scheduled for arraignment on January 4.

    Phillips’s rap sheet includes prior convictions for DUI; resisting arrest; marijuana possession, fleeing or eluding, possession of drug paraphernalia; leaving the scene of an accident; disorderly intoxication; and driving without a license.

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    An Iowan pleasured himself outside a Kum & Go store and then departed for his nearby apartment, according to an indecent exposure complaint filed following his arrest yesterday.

    According to cops, victims called 911 to report that an “unknown male had said sexual things to them and began masturbating in their presence” while outside the convenience store in Iowa City.

    After a police canvass near the Kum & Go, officers identified Kenneth Lee Kelly, 54, as a suspect in the public pleasure session. “Multiple subjects from Kum & Go, neighboring businesses, and apartments identified the defendant as the subject in the photos,” cops reported.

    Contacted at home, Kelly denied he was the individual captured on surveillance video. Kelly, however, “confirmed he had clothing that matched the video” and showed police a hat that was an “identical match” to the one worn by the suspect during the deed earlier this year.

    A search warrant at Kelly’s apartment resulted in the seizure of garments that “matched surveillance and traffic camera video from this incident.” Additionally, a photo lineup was conducted and “victims...independently identified” Kelly as the 12:30 AM Kum & Go masturbator.

    Seen above, Kelly was arrested Thursday and booked into jail for indecent exposure, a “serious misdemeanor” for which bond has yet to be set.

    When questioned by police, Kelly reportedly “claimed he wasn’t exposing himself,” but instead was just “scratching his genitals.”

    Kelly’s rap sheet includes convictions for felony theft, narcotics possession, driving without a license, and marijuana possession.

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    A pedicab driver dressed as "The Joker" and packing a loaded 9mm handgun is facing felony charges after allegedly battering a female customer during a Halloween fare dispute in Orlando, according to Florida cops.

    Investigators allege that Brandon Juwan Morris, 30, threw the victim to the ground and then rummaged through her belongings and removed cash from her wallet.

    The 2:15 AM incident on November 1 occurred across from Orlando’s City Hall and triggered around 11 separate 911 calls. Morris and Debra Smoot, the victim, apparently argued about a $15 charge.

    When cops arrived on the scene, Smoot was found on the ground “crying and yelling” and she “appeared to have swollen legs which were reddish.”

    Smoot described her assailant as a black male “dressed as the ‘Joker’ with the word ‘Damaged’ on his forehead." In 2016’s “Suicide Squad” movie, “The Joker,” played by Jared Leto, has such a tattoo.

    Two witnesses gave police statements corroborating Smoot’s account of being thrown to the ground and relieved of her money.

    Seen above, Morris was quickly apprehended while still in the area on his pedicab. He claimed to not recall any altercation that evening and “constantly stated he did not put his hands on anyone,” an arrest affidavit states.

    When Orlando Police Department officers searched Morris, they discovered a Taurus pistol inside an “army green crossbody bag on him.” The gun was “loaded with a magazine and had a round chambered,” a cop reported.

    Morris was charged with battery, a misdemeanor, and two felonies: robbery and possession of a firearm during the commission of a felony. He was subsequently freed from custody after posting bonds totaling $10,500.

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    A New Jersey school custodian used bleach and “personal bodily fluids” to contaminate food products and utensils intended for elementary school students, investigators allege.

    Giovanni Impellizzeri, 25, is facing multiple felony counts after allegedly recording himself “performing sexual acts with items from the school.”

    Impellizzeri, seen at right, posted “extremely disturbing videos” to Telegram, prompting several tips to be sent to officials with the Elizabeth F. Moore School in Upper Deerfield.

    As detailed in a shocking probable cause affidavit, videos obtained by police showed Impellizzeri using “various utensils and items from the school to wipe his penis, testicles, and anus.” Additionally, he could be seen “masturbating and urinating on pillows and kitchen bowls” and spraying bleach on cucumbers later served to students.

    As if that was not revolting enough, Impellizzeri allegedly used “multiple pieces of bread to wipe” his anus and genitals “before putting the bread back into the container to be later served to children” at the public school.

    Impellizzeri has worked for the Upper Deerfield school district since 2019. He is currently locked up in the Cumberland County jail in advance of a detention hearing.

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    Accused of pleasuring himself while walking around a Target store, an Iowa man told cops that he was “not masturbating his actual penis,” but rather “a dildo he had in his shorts.”

    Despite that convincing explanation, Deshawn Brown, 25, was busted for indecent exposure, according to a criminal complaint.

    Seen at right, Brown, who lives a few blocks from the Target in downtown Iowa City, was caught on camera earlier this month “touching his clothed genitalia as well as his exposed penis.”

    The defendant, investigators stated, “has prior incidents of the same behavior.” In July, Brown was sentenced to two years probation for indecent exposure and placed on Iowa’s sex offender registry. 

    When questioned by police about his Target stroll, Brown reportedly claimed to actually have been engaged with a stashed sex toy. However, cops noted, video evidence “suggests the phallic object in his hand was indeed connected to his person.”

    Charged with several misdemeanor indecent exposure counts, Brown was released from custody last night after posting $3000 bond. He is also facing a probation violation count related to his sentencing earlier this year.

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    A Louisiana nurse survived an attempted spork stabbing by an “extremely combative and aggressive” patient, police report.

    Officers were dispatched yesterday to Glenwood Regional Health Center’s behavioral health unit “in reference to a disturbance” around 2 AM.

    Upon arrival at the West Monroe facility, hospital staff told cops that Madison Bingham, 19, had been “extremely combative and aggressive” toward staff and “made numerous threats.”

    The patient was arrested after a female nurse said Bingham “attempted to stab her with a plastic ‘spork.’” The nurse was able to dodge the alleged spork stabbing bid.

    Monroe, who lives in Vicksburg, Mississippi, was arrested for simple assault, a misdemeanor, and booked into the local parish jail, where she is locked up in lieu of $500 bond.

    A probable cause affidavit does not reveal why Bingham was in the hospital, or whether the spork was seized as evidence.

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    A Florida Woman is facing a felony charge after allegedly shoving a bag of dog poop into the face of an elderly neighbor, cops report.

    Kali Robertson, 28, was arrested Sunday morning after a confrontation at the mobile home park where she and the 76-year-old victim live in separate residences.

    According to a complaint charging Robertson, seen at right, with battery on a victim 65 years or older, she became upset with Daniel Powell, who “would always speak with her while she walked her dog.”

    Robertson, cops say, took an “unsecured bag of dog feces and pushed it” into Powell’s face, “leaving feces smeared on his face and the bag on the ground.”

    The dog waste bag “matched those in the defendant’s possession and she ultimately admitted to the battery,” a Pinellas Park Police officer noted.

    Robertson, who was released from jail Monday after posting $2500 bond, yesterday pleaded not guilty to the third degree felony.

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    12/7 UPDATE: Jury convicts Trump superfan

    The Trump superfan busted for allegedly forging his dead father’s name on a 2020 election mail-in ballot is a convicted felon who was sentenced to 12 years in prison for financial fraud and ordered to pay $22 million in restitution, an amount he recently challenged via a bizarre pro se motion in which he requests to “identify” as “HUNTER BIDEN” in all future court proceedings, records show.

    Robert Rivernider, 58, was charged last week with fraud and forgery for allegedly signing his father’s name to the ballot, which was postmarked days after the older man’s October 2020 death (which was due to COVID-19, according to a federal court filing).  

    As detailed in a criminal complaint filed in Sumter County, Florida, based on a comparison of signatures for Rivernider and his father, “there appear to be similarities between the signatures in the 2020 election” that match Rivernider’s signature, “but not prior versions of [his father’s signature].”

    Pictured at right, Rivernider moved into his father’s Wildwood home after his May 2020 release from a federal lockup in Estill, South Carolina. In December 2013, Rivernider was sentenced to 12 years in prison after pleading guilty to an investment scheme that defrauded victims into "purchasing real estate investment properties based on material misrepresentations, concealed facts, and material omissions,” according to prosecutors.

    Rivernider was convicted in the District of Connecticut, where the U.S. Attorney’s Office was, at the time of his plea, headed by John Durham (whose name might ring a bell).

    A judge granted Rivernider’s early release after the felon filed a “compassionate release” motion citing his heart ailments and the rampant COVID-19 spread in the federal prison system. Additionally, Rivernider noted that his elderly father had been left alone following the death of Rivernider’s mother.

    Finding that Rivernider’s recidivism risk was “low,” Judge Robert Chatigny freed the convict, who, upon release, began serving a five-year probation term (which ends in May 2025).

    Rivernider does not credit Chatigny for his freedom, however. His release was “thanks to President Trump,” according to his account on X, formerly known as Twitter. On his Substack bio, Rivernider writes, “Freedom fighter TRUMP WON.”

    Upon arriving in Florida, Rivernider has served on the board of Villagers for Trump, the leading Trump/MAGA group in The Villages, the sprawling retirement community. In a court filing, he reported working as a GOP field organizer in Florida and Georgia. According to another court document, Rivernider got a job in 2021 as a legislative representative for an unnamed organization “that helps people have a voice on Capitol Hill.”

    What Rivernider has not done, prosecutors charged earlier this year in a probation violation report, is adhere to a court-ordered restitution schedule.

    Rivernider has chafed at the repayment plan and sought to have his conspiracy and wire fraud convictions set aside. He blames representatives of the “United States Corporation” for his legal travails.

    In a June 2023 motion--which he filed pro se--Rivernider declared that the “Department of INJustice” has made a mockery of the rule of law and the federal bench has “refused to recognize FRAUD ON THE COURT.” As such, since “anyone can identify as anything they like,” Rivernider asked the judge to “identify and treat the defendant in the above-captioned case as “HUNTER BIDEN” from this point forward.”

    In addition to asking the court to “dismiss the entire case,” Rivernider sought an apology “to the defendants and their families, order the persecutors to do the same, and all resign.”

    In a one-sentence order signed on August 1, Chatigny denied Rivernider’s motion, which the judge called “frivolous.”