There Are Some Things A Cop Won't Do To Locate A Phone Stolen From A Walmart Bathroom

At around 2 AM today at a Walmart in South Carolina, Brad Hawkins, Samsung cell phone in hand, entered the men’s bathroom and proceeded to the handicapped stall, where he then “engaged in conversation while defecating.”

At one point, Hawkins placed his Galaxy Note 3 phone atop the toilet tissue dispenser. He subsequently departed the bathroom “once he was relieved,” according to a Spartanburg Police Department report.

Hawkins left without his phone, realizing this about 30 minutes later. So he dialed 911 after returning to the stall and discovering that his phone had been pinched.

As noted by Officer Frank Osrechek, who responded to the call for help, Hawkins “observed a preponderance of fecal matter on the toilette, suggesting the suspect is someone who stands while defecating.”

But Osrechek added that there were investigative limits when it came to recovering a phone: “A sample of the excrement was not taken nor were photographs.”

While it does not appear that the National Security Agency maintains classified fecal matter sample databases, revelations from NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden are continuing.