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    Look, if you are planning to key a bitch’s car, bring along a dictionary.

    An unknown suspect vandalized Wendy Owens’s 2013 Chevrolet Sonic over the weekend while the car was parked outside her South Carolina residence.

    Owens told cops that she noticed Sunday that the car had the words “BICTH I’M GET YOU” scratched on its trunk.

    While Owens, 32, had no solid proof, she thought the vandal “may have been a female named Dawn.”

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    New Jersey cops are seeking the public’s help in identifying the Garden State Breast Pump Thief.

    Earlier this month, the male suspect exited a Burlington Coat Factory store with three Medela Freestyle breast pumps for which he did not pay. The man fled on foot with the lactation aids worth a combined $1000.

    As he raced away, the man, seen in the above store surveillance photo, left the breast pumps behind. Police believe the suspect is connected to a white SUV.

    The middle-aged man, who was wearing a dark hoodie during the attempted December 1 heist at the store in Brick Township, is also a suspect in a breast pump theft at a Burlington Coat Factory store in Freehold, a nearby Jersey Shore town.

    Members of the public are asked to contact the Brick Township Police Department at (732) 262-1100 if they recognize the breast pump purloiner.

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    Central Intelligence Agency officials considered forced “rectal rehydration” as an effective method of “behavioral control” of suspected Al Qaeda terrorists being held in secret detention facilities, according to the scathing Senate Intelligence Committee report released today.

    Additionally, CIA leaders were “alerted to allegations that rectal exams were conducted with ‘excessive force’ on two detainees” at an agency detention site.

    In a lengthy footnote, the report notes that some detainees who were subjected to the CIA’s “enhanced interrogation techniques” were subjected to rectal rehydration “without evidence of medical necessity,” while other detainees “were threatened with it.”

    In a 2004 e-mail, the report states, CIA medical officers “discussed rectal rehydration as a means of behavior control.” One CIA officer wrote that while intravenous infusion of fluids is “safe and effective, we were impressed with the ancillary effectiveness of rectal infusion on ending the water refusal in a similar case.”

    Referring to the rehydration process and the use of a rectal tube, the CIA officer wrote that, “if you place it and open up the IV tubing, the flow will self regulate, sloshing up the large intestine.”

    Describing the forced rehydration of Majid Khan (seen above), the report noted that the detainee’s lunch tray “consisting of hummus, pasta with sauce, nuts, and raisins” was “pureed” and then “rectally infused.”

    At some point, the report says, CIA brass was “alerted to allegations that rectal exams were conducted with ‘excessing force’ on two detainees” at an agency detention site. While the source of these allegations is not detailed, one of the detainees, Mustafa al-Hawsawi, was subsequently diagnosed “with chronic hemorrhoids, an anal fissure, and symptomatic rectal prolapse.” (1 page)

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    A trio of women is facing theft charges for allegedly swiping items from a “Toys for Needy Children” donation box outside a Walmart in Illinois.

    According to cops in Aledo, the women stole the toys last night from a box that was placed in front of the retailer by a local Jaycees organization. The group distributes the collected toys to several hundred children in Mercer County, which is just south of the Quad Cities area.

    Police arrested Deandra Cooke, 18; Lacinda Granado-Overton, 25; and Tarica Wright, 26, in connection with the toy thefts. They were each hit with a felony theft charge and booked into county jail.

    All three defendants have previously been arrested for theft, according to court records.

    Pictured above, Cooke (left), Granado-Overton (center), and Wright (right) remain in the Mercer County lockup, where bond has not been set, according to a jail official.

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    Police last night broke up a “fraternal ritual” in a South Carolina cemetery, chasing 20 Sigma Alpha Epsilon bothers and arresting one fraternity member on a weapons charge.

    Cops converged on the Oakwood Cemetery in Spartanburg after receiving a tip that the University of South Carolina Upstate students “would be in the cemetery performing a fraternal ritual,” and that one man was carrying a firearm on his hip, according to a police report.

    When cops questioned the SAE chapter president, he claimed that “the fraternity had come out to the cemetery to perform a ritual where they bond and talk.” The details of this “ritual” are not further described in the report.

    One frat brother, Caleb Cooke, 21, was arrested for carrying an unlicensed Glock 9mm pistol, which was loaded with 14 bullets. Cooke--who was wearing a peach shirt, khaki trousers, and a blue dress jacket--told officers that “the gun was his father’s.”

    Pictured above, Cooke also claimed that he was armed “to protect his ‘brothers’ in his fraternity while they were out in the cemetery.” Again, the report does not reveal what kind of dangers (Zombies? Grave robbers?) the frat brothers could have encountered at 8:45 PM on a Sunday.

    Cooke, a criminal justice major, was released from custody this morning on a $5000 personal recognizance bond.

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    Tip to holiday season package thieves: Before stealing parcels left on doorsteps by the United Parcel Service driver, make sure that the vigilant neighbor across the street is not surreptitiously taking photos of you.

    That is how Michigan cops arrested Brandon Ancell, 19, and Brandon Chait, 18, for a series of larcenies Thursday in Macomb County, a Detroit suburb.

    According to police, the teenagers followed the trail of a UPS truck and took packages that had been left outside residences. Their scheme, however, was sunk when a homeowner watched as Ancell ran up to the porches of two homes “and stole packages that had been left there by a UPS driver,” reported the Macomb County Sheriff’s Office.

    As seen above (click to enlarge), the homeowner snapped photos of Ancell mid-stride as he carried a large Macy’s box back to the getaway vehicle, a 2010 Nissan Altima being driven by Chait. The man called 911 to report the thefts, and while cops were en route to the neighborhood, a second resident dialed police to report “a theft from a porch on an adjacent street.”

    Deputies quickly located the two Brandons inside the Nissan, which contained numerous stolen packages. Cops reported recovering 26 separate stolen items, including clothing, computer speakers, cosmetics, and even a 30-pound bag of dog food.

    Ancell and Chait were arrested for larceny and conspiracy to commit larceny, and the Nissan was impounded. Following arraignment yesterday, the men were each released on $5000 personal recognizance bonds.

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    Oklahoma cops are hunting for a pair of men dressed as superheroes who pistol-whipped a female victim during a robbery attempt early today.

    The crooks were wearing Batman and Captain America masks when they accosted the woman as she was filling up her car at an Oklahoma City gas station around 5 AM, according to police.

    Witnesses told investigators that the devious duo was accompanied by a white female.

    The masked men and their female sidekick fled in a Dodge pickup truck when another customer happened upon the attack in progress, cops report.

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    An Iowa man yesterday assaulted his pregnant wife with a McDonald's McChicken sandwich during a dispute in their Des Moines residence, police say.

    Marvin Tramaine Hill, 21, allegedly became upset when his spouse arrived home with “a McChicken from McDonald’s for him to eat prior to them going to their ultra sound for their unborn child,” according to a police report.

    Hill told cops that he does not like McChicken sandwiches, “so he threw the sandwich” at his 21-year-old wife. He then “picked up the bun and threw it at her again.” Elle Hill told police that her husband smashed the bun in her face. Police noted that Elle Hill “had mayo on her shirt and face” when first contacted by an officer.

    Since he was judged the primary aggressor during the incident, Hill (seen at left) was arrested for domestic assault and booked into the Polk County jail, where he remains locked up without bond. A Des Moines Police Department report notes a “mc Chicken” was the “tool or weapon used” during the crime.

    In addition to the baby on the way, the Hills are parents to a two-year-old daughter.

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    A Massachusetts man was arrested yesterday at a Logan Airport checkpoint after allegedly slamming his oversize backpack into the face of a 74-year-old female security worker who told him the item was too large to be carried onto his flight.

    According to police, the woman was knocked to the ground by the blow to her head from Eric Brandhorst, a 53-year-old resident of Carlisle, a town 25 miles from Boston.

    Brandhorst, who quickly walked away after decking the elderly worker, was tackled and taken into custody by a Massachusetts State Trooper who witnessed the 6:20 AM incident. Brandhorst, who was planning to fly to Denver, was arrested for assault and battery on a victim over the age of 60.

    Surveillance photos (seen above) show Brandhorst, backpack in hand, talking to the uniformed officer and then walking away after knocking down the woman, who is not seen in the second image.

    While being booked, Brandhorst told troopers that he was “aggravated” and made a “mistake” during the confrontation outside a Transportation Security Administration checkpoint.

    The worker, who suffered bruising on her face, complained of “pain in her hip, knee, and shoulder caused by her hitting the floor,” police reported. As a result, she was transported to Massachusetts General Hospital for additional examination.

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    A man carrying what appeared to be four bottles of duty-free rum was actually seeking to smuggle liquid cocaine worth $310,000 into the U.S., federal agents allege.

    Wilton Sinclair flew last month from Guyana to John F. Kennedy International Airport in New York. He was traveling with two pieces of luggage and a pair of duty-free bags, each of which contained two large bottles of El Dorado rum (the “liquid gold of Guyana,” according to its manufacturer).

    When Sinclair, 35, was screened at a U.S. Customs and Border Protection checkpoint, agents noticed that the four bottles (seen above) contained a “thick syrup-like substance inconsistent with rum,” according to a criminal complaint.

    Officers opened the 1.75-liter bottles and detected an unusual chemical odor. Subsequent tests showed that all four bottles field-tested positive for cocaine. Investigators estimated that the bottles held 8.2 kilos of cocaine.

    After waiving his Miranda rights, Sinclair, a Georgia resident who is a dual citizen of the U.S. and Guyana, told agents that he was to be paid $6000 to get the four bottles into the country.

    Charged with a felony smuggling count, Sinclair (pictured above) is free on an unsecured $75,000 bond. According to his Facebook page, Sinclair has served in the U.S. Army.

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    A Florida man is locked up on a theft charge after allegedly stuffing cow tongues weighing 6.5 pounds in his pants and exiting Walmart without paying for the beef.

    Jason Puckett was collared Friday after stashing the two beef tongues in his trousers inside the store in DeLand, a city about 35 miles north of Orlando.

    The 44-year-old was spotted by a Walmart security officer who summoned cops after Puckett fled the store upon being confronted.

    Seen in the above mug shot, Puckett was busted on a misdemeanor retail theft charge and booked into the Volusia County jail, where he remains locked up in lieu of $2500 bond. Puckett’s rap sheet includes prior arrests for battery, assault burglary, robbery, theft, and credit card fraud.

    According to a charging affidavit, the recovered beef tongues were valued at $35.35.

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    The Republican congressional aide who castigated the Obama daughters for their lack of “class” and dressing as if they were angling for a “spot at a bar” was once arrested for larceny during her own “awful teen years,” court records show.

    In a November 27 Facebook post, Elizabeth Lauten criticized Sasha and Malia Obama for looking bored while their father pardoned a pair of turkeys the day before Thanksgiving. While noting that, “I get you’re both in those awful teen years,” Lauten, 31, counseled the teens to “try showing a little class. At least respect the part you play.”

    In her “Dear Sasha and Malia” note, Lauten remarked that the president and First Lady Michelle Obama “don’t respect their positions very much, or the nation for that matter, so I’m guessing you’re coming up a little short in the ‘good role model’ department.” Lauten concluded by urging the girls to “Rise to the occasion. Act like being in the White House matters to you. Dress like you deserve respect, not a spot at a bar. And certainly don’t make faces during televised public events.”

    Until her resignation this morning, Lauten served as communications director for Rep. Steven Fincher, a Tennessee Republican. In the face of criticism about her attack on the Obama daughters, Lauten said that “many hours of prayer” helped her realize that her Facebook screed was “hurtful.”

    Lauten, pictured above, was arrested in December 2000 for misdemeanor larceny, according to court records. Lauten, then 17, was collared for stealing from a Belk department store in her North Carolina hometown.

    Because Lauten was a first-time offender, her case was handled via the District Court’s deferred prosecution program, which resulted in the charge’s eventual dismissal after the future scold stayed out of trouble for a prescribed period.

    Since Lauten was just another teenager caught shoplifting at the mall, it appears unlikely that she was publicly pilloried for her lack of class, nor were her parents criticized as poor role models.

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    Incensed that her boyfriend began eating their Thanksgiving dinner while she was asleep following a day of drinking, a Pennsylvania woman grabbed a knife and stabbed the man after chasing him around the dining room table, cops report.

    Jack-Lyn Blake, 47, is locked up in the Luzerne County jail on an assortment of criminal charges, including aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, reckless endangerment, and making terroristic threats.

    According to Wilkes-Barre police, officers responded yesterday to Blake’s residence around 6:30 PM after receiving a 911 call about a stabbing. When they arrived at the home, Blake, who was exiting the residence, announced, “I stabbed him.”

    Further investigation revealed that Blake’s beau, Benjamin Smith, had been stabbed in the chest. Smith, who was pressing a towel to his wound when police arrived, was later treated at a local hospital for the non-life-threatening injury.

    Smith, 45, told officers that he had argued earlier in the day with Blake, who was reportedly intoxicated and had gone upstairs to sleep. While Blake (seen in the above mug shot) snoozed, Smith began Thanksgiving dinner without her.

    When Blake awoke to discover that the festivities had commenced in her absence, things got bloody.

    Cops charge that she grabbed a knife and chased Smith around the dinner table. After dodging several stabbing attempts, Smith got knifed by Blake (who also threw the weapon at Smith, striking him in the face).

    Two years ago, Indiana resident Taz Miller, 18, was arrested for stabbing his mother’s live-in boyfriend after discovering that the man had eaten all the leftover Thanksgiving turkey.