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    The elderly Florida kook who used a water pistol filled with his own urine to squirt a female neighbor in the face has been convicted of battery, but will only serve a month in jail for the vile attack, records show.

    Joel Benjamin, 71, entered a no contest plea to the misdemeanor charge during an appearance last Thursday in Circuit Court. He was sentenced to 30 days in jail and a one-year probation term that will commence upon his release from the Pinellas County lockup.

    Seen at right, Benjamin was also fined about $1000 and ordered to have no contact with the 50-year-old victim, who was attacked in mid-April while walking her dog one evening outside the Gulfport housing complex where both she and Benjamin reside.

    As detailed in a criminal complaint, Benjamin approached the woman and “pulled out a water gun that contained his own urine” and squirted her “several times.”

    In an interview with TSG days after his arrest, Benjamin admitted that, “I lost my fucking temper and shot her in the face with my squirt gun filled with piss.” Describing the attack as an “egregious thing to do,” Benjamin claimed he targeted the woman because she had been spying on him as part of a purported government surveillance campaign.

    During police questioning, Benjamin showed no remorse, saying that he would “do it again,” according to the complaint.

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    A North Carolina teenager who posted a threat on his Instagram page to “shoot up” a movie theater has been arrested on a felony cyberstalking charge, police report.

    Nikolai James Dixon Jr., 16, was arrested Friday after “local citizens and the media” apprised cops of the post, which warned of an October 8 shooting at an AMC theater in Wilmington (where “Joker” is playing on four screens).

    The author of the post, which appeared on the “cheezeclazone” Instagram page, wrote “My name is Nikolai Dixon” and included the name of the Wilmington high school Dixon attends.

    In announcing Dixon’s arrest, police noted that the teenager did not “have the means to carry out any threat.” After being booked into the New Hanover County jail, Dixon was released on a $2500 unsecured bond.

    Along with a redacted copy of the posted threat, cops also released a photo of Dixon from his 144-follower Instagram page (which is now private). Seen above, the image shows Dixon wearing an Infinity Gauntlet and a box of Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar Goldfish crackers.

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    An Alabama woman concerned that her methamphetamine may have been tainted with another drug asked police to test her stash, a service request that resulted in her arrest for possession of a controlled substance.

    Cops report that Jennifer Colyne Hall, 48, called police dispatch Wednesday seeking assistance.

    When Limestone County Sheriff's Office deputies subsequently arrived at Hall’s residence in Toney, a Huntsville suburb, she presented them with a clear plastic bag she had removed from a baby wipes container.

    “I want this dope tested,” declared Hall, who added that she was concerned that her speed was somehow tainted.

    The baggie proffered by Hall contained meth, cops report. As a result, Hall, seen above, was arrested on a felony narcotics possession charge and booked into the county jail. She is being held in lieu of $2500 bail.

    And, yes, this has happened before and before.

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    Ohio police are seeking to identify a Speedo-clad man who prowled around a Kent State University sorority house early Monday morning.

    The suspect, who was recorded by a doorbell cam, had phrases like “Laugh At Me” and “Shrimp Dick” inked on his chest. The word “Pervert” was also written on his chest, while arrows pointed to his genitalia along with the phrases “4 Inches” and “So Tiny.”

    While walking on the porch this week, the man appeared to be recording with his cellphone.

    According to cops, the suspect first showed up at the Alpha Phi house in late-August. At that time, the trespasser was naked and danced on the sorority’s front porch. Investigators believe that the man has also sent a nude photo and messages via social media to sorority members.

    If apprehended, the "Loser" could face public indecency charges, police say.

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    A Florida Man dialed 911 to report that he “had narcotics on his person,” according to police who say that the suspect told them he “wanted to go to jail.”

    After Joshua Simmons, 21, called police late Sunday night, officers contacted him near a park in St. Petersburg. Simmons reportedly “stated he had marijuana in his front pocket and produced it to officers on scene.”

    Pictured at right, Simmons was then taken into custody, according to an arrest affidavit, which noted that the defendant “spontaneously stated he was transient and wanted to go to jail.”

    The seized marijuana weighed about one gram, cops reported.

    Charged with pot possession, a misdemeanor, Simmons is being held in the county jail in lieu of $150 bond.

    Simmons’s rap sheet includes three convictions for trespassing 

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    Meet Heather Mayeux.

    The 43-year-old was arrested last night for domestic battery after allegedly stubbing out a cigarette on her boyfriend’s forehead during an argument in their Florida residence.

    Cops allege that Mayeux got into a “verbal altercation” with the 46-year-old victim upon his return home from work. After pushing the man several times, Mayeux “took her lit cigarette and extinguished it on the victim’s forehead,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    After being read her rights, Mayeux reportedly copped to using her beau as an ashtray. “Mayeux admitted to being frustrated” and said she “may have put the cigarette out on the victim’s forehead,” police noted.

    The victim, cops say, sustained minor injuries and declined medical treatment.

    Mayeux was booked into the county jail on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge. A judge has ordered her to have no contact with the victim.

    Mayeux’s rap sheet includes a pair of felony theft convictions and a misdemeanor theft conviction. Following a grand theft collar earlier this year for swiping clothing and costume jewelry from a Bealls department store, Mayeux told cops that she copes with stress by stealing.

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    During a traffic stop early Sunday, Jacqueline Hubbard did not hesitate to answer when a Florida cop asked if she “had any drugs on her person.”

    The 59-year-old Hubbard, who was in the front passenger seat not wearing a seat belt, reportedly told a patrolman that she was in possession of crack cocaine that was stored in what she called her “felony purse.”

    The purse, which was around Hubbard’s neck, contained two crack rocks, a small baggie of cocaine, and two glass crack pipes, according to arrest affidavits.

    The contents of the "felony purse" resulted in Hubbard’s bust on two criminal charges: possession of drug paraphernalia, a misdemeanor, and possession of a controlled substance, a felony.

    Pictured above, Hubbard is locked up in the county jail in lieu of $2150 bond. Court filings do not indicate whether her “felony purse”--or just its contents--was seized as evidence.

    Hubbard’s rap sheet includes convictions for disorderly intoxication; drunk driving; theft; boating under the influence; trespass; cocaine possession; and violating probation. She served about 14 months in state prison on the felony cocaine count.

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    A four-year-old girl who was “playing with knives” along with a nine-year-old boy stabbed the older child in the head and back today, according to Florida police.

    The victim was flown by helicopter (seen above) to a hospital for treatment of injuries that cops said are not believed to be life threatening.

    According to investigators, sheriff’s deputies responded around 2:25 PM to reports of a stabbing at a residence in Port St. Lucie. 

    When cops arrived at the home, they found five juveniles--ages three to nine--in the residence, but no adults were present at the time of the stabbing incident.

    Officers determined that the nine-year-old was “stabbed in the head and back area” by the girl. The children, cops say, were “playing with knives.”    

    The incident remains under investigation by Port St. Lucie Police Department detectives.

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    After being arrested yesterday, an accused serial flasher told Florida cops, “I am just an asshole. What can I say?”

    Robert Digiacomo, 69, was collared Thursday after he was spotted driving through the parking lot of a Target store near his Tampa-area apartment. Seen at right, Digiacomo was subsequently arrested in the parking lot of an adjacent Sam’s Club store.

    Digiacomo was originally charged in May after multiple women reported that he exposed himself and masturbated while in his vehicle outside various businesses. When Digiacomo failed to appear for a June court hearing, a judge issued an arrest warrant for him.

    In announcing Digiacomo’s bust, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office noted that when the defendant was asked about the alleged incidents, “he would only advise, ‘I am just an asshole. What can I say?’”

    Digiacomo was booked into the county jail, where bond was set at $2513.

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    While her mother worked the pole inside, a three-year-old girl was roaming around the parking lot of a Florida strip club early yesterday morning, police report.

    Responding to a 911 call about the unsupervised child, police found the girl--crying and confused--alone outside the all-nude Vegas Cabaret in Lauderhill, a Broward County city, around 2 AM.

    The child had apparently been sleeping inside a Toyota Corolla that was not running and had a window cracked open for ventilation. In the rear of the car, cops reported, were toys and a car seat.

    Around 2:30 AM, Manouchika Daniels, 23, approached officers and identified herself as the child’s mother. According to police, Daniels had left her daughter unattended in the parking lot for about three hours.

    Seen above, Daniels was arrested on a felony child neglect charge and booked into the county jail, where the Miami resident is locked up in lieu of $5000 bond.

    Daniels’s daughter, police reported, “appeared to be well cared for and in good spirits” as she and officers awaited the arrival of child welfare workers (who eventually took custody of the girl).

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    A skateboarder busted yesterday for allegedly causing a disturbance at a Florida mall blamed a “miniature Paul Blart” for his arrest, according to a police report.

    Patrick Thompson, 23, told police that after briefly skateboarding inside the Indian River Mall, he was confronted around 4 PM by guard Sean Pisanelli, who announced, “You’re going to jail, punk.”

    When cops arrived at the mall, Pisanelli said that Thompson had been “swearing and calling names” in front of the Chick-fil-A in the food court.

    Seen above, Thompson claimed to be unaware that skateboarding was not allowed inside the mall. When confronted by Pisanelli, Thompson told a sheriff’s deputy, he called the security guard “a miniature ‘Paul Blart’ and a ‘Dumbass.’”

    Thompson was charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing, both misdemeanors, and booked into the county jail. He was released from custody early today after posting $1000 bond.

    For the uninitiated, meet Paul Blart, mall cop.

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    A nursing aide charged with sexually assaulting multiple women in assisted living facilities told police that he had a “fetish for older females under his care,” according to Florida court records.

    Falo Kane, 32, was arrested Monday on four counts of sexual battery of the physically helpless. He is locked up in lieu of $400,000 bond on the felony charges.

    In a series of arrest affidavits, investigators accuse Kane of committing four separate assaults--two in 2016 and two this year. Pictured at right, Kane allegedly digitally penetrated victims, fondled their breasts, and sought to have them touch his penis or perform oral sex.

    The victims in the two alleged 2019 assaults are wheelchair-bound.  

    When questioned by police detectives, Kane reportedly confessed to the assaults, saying that he was sorry he "crossed the line" with elderly patients. Kane said that he had a "fetish for older females under his care," noted cops, who added that the defendant “wrote a generic apology letter to all of his victims.”  

    Kane has been a licensed certified nursing assistant since October 2006, according to Florida Department of Health records which list no public complaints or disciplinary measures against Kane.

    The alleged assaults took place at four different institutions in Pinellas County. Records show that Kane has also been employed, sometimes briefly, at other Florida rehab facilities.

    Remarkably, Kane found employment this year with at least two facilities despite the fact that he was convicted 16 months ago of misdemeanor battery against a female hospital patient.

    The victim in the 2018 case told police that Kane inappropriately massaged her arms, legs, and inner thighs, and came within inches of touching her genitals. When questioned by police, Kane acknowledged that the massage was not medically necessary, but claimed that he rubbed the woman “because I thought she would like it.”

    Kane, who was fired from Mease Countryside Hospital after the incident, was eventually sentenced to 11 months probation on the misdemeanor conviction.

    Kane’s rap sheet includes a 2009 conviction for passing bad checks and a 2014 collar for grand theft. In the latter case, Kane was admitted into a pretrial diversion program which he successfully completed. As a result, prosecutors dismissed the felony case in March 2016. Kane was arrested in May 2008 for domestic battery, but that case was later dropped by prosecutors.

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    A man wearing a Captain America costume was arrested for burglary after a Mississippi homeowner caught the phony superhero breaking into a shed on his property, cops report.

    David Hobbs, 36, was collared early Monday morning as he allegedly tried to use a pipe to break into a shed at the rear of a residence in the city of Clarksdale.

    Hobbs was thwarted when an alarm alerted the homeowner to the attempted 3 AM burglary. The victim held Hobbs at gunpoint until police arrived.

    For some unknown reason, Hobbs was wearing a Captain America costume, complete with mask. His outfit also included fairy wings, apparently for a quick getaway.

    Hobbs, sans costume, is locked up in the Coahoma County jail on $25,000 bond. As seen above, Clarksdale cops photographed the handcuffed Hobbs while he sat on a bench in police headquarters.