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    Is there someone out there who can explain what is on this guy’s face?

    Arie Patterson was arrested Thursday in Hallandale, Florida on a misdemeanor theft charge. When the 36-year-old posed later for a jail booking photo, he looked like this.

    TSG has not yet been able to determine from cops what is on Patterson’s face, neck, hair, and jail smock (not to mention the back wall). Could it be egg? Pepper spray? Paint? An orange smoothie?

    We’ll update this story when we find out. In the meantime, please put all your educated/uneducated guesses in the below comments section.

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    The Texas teacher arrested for giving a 15-year-old boy a “full contact lap dance” in front of her entire class has been sentenced to three years probation following her guilty plea to having an improper relationship with the student.

    Felicia Smith, 42, copped a plea yesterday in connection with the late-February incident at Stovall Middle School. Smith, seen in the adjacent mug shot, no longer works at the Houston public school. She was named last month in a felony indictment charging her with touching the student’s genitals with her buttocks.

    Smith claimed that she was coaxed into the four-minute dance by the boy’s classmates. According to a probable cause affidavit, the educator gave an energetic performance (which was videotaped by one student).

    When the boy entered her classroom, Smith “grabbed a chair and placed it next to her desk,” investigators reported. With music playing, Smith sat on the teen’s lap “with her buttocks making contact with his penis while she began to move back and forth.” Smith also “fondled him with her hands by touching him all over his body.” Cops noted that the assorted contact caused the boy to “have an erected penis.”

    During a police interview, the teenager admitted that he “slapped Ms. Smith buttocks a few times.” At the dance’s conclusion, Smith “got on her two knees and placed her head between” the boy’s legs, police charged. As she hugged the birthday boy, Smith said, “I love you baby, Happy Birthday.”

    While Smith remains licensed to teach English Language Arts and Reading in grades 4-8, Texas state records note that she is “currently under review” by the State Board for Educator Certification’s professional discipline unit.

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    In settlement of a civil rights lawsuit, the City of New York will pay three Brooklyn men a total of $33,000 in connection with their arrests last year after NYPD officers mistakenly identified Jolly Ranchers as methamphetamine during drug busts.

    Two of the men, Love Olatunjiojo, 26, and Omar Ferriera, 23, were collared after cops approached them shortly after the pair left It’Sugar, a Coney Island candy store where they had bought various sweets, including Jolly Rancher candies.

    While searching the duo, police recovered a “quantity of methamphetamine” from both men, according to misdemeanor criminal complaints. Police initially reported to Brooklyn prosecutors that the suspected meth field-tested positive for the presence of narcotics.

    In sworn criminal complaints filed against Olatunjiojo and Ferriera, Officer Jermaine Taylor declared that he “has had professional testing as a police officer in the identification of methamphetamine.”

    However, a subsequent NYPD lab analysis revealed that the red and blue “crystalline rocks of solid material” contained no controlled substances. As a result, charges against Olatunjiojo and Ferriera were dismissed.

    A third man, Jimmy Sano, 27, was busted when he protested the arrest of his two friends. Sano, who was with his three-year-old daughter at the time of his arrest, was charged with obstruction and resisting arrest. In April, Sano’s case was adjourned in contemplation of dismissal.

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    A Florida middle school student was arrested this week for refusing to leave bed and go to school.

    The 14-year-old boy’s mother called police Tuesday morning for assistance when her child refused to go to R.J. Murray Middle School in St. Augustine (where the school year opened August 18).

    When St. John’s County Sheriff’s Office deputies arrived, the teen’s 42-year-old mother said that she had taken away her son’s laptop and cellphone, and disconnected Internet service in their residence in response to her son’s refusal to attend classes.

    The teenager--who recently moved to Florida from New York with his mother--did not appear concerned when deputies told him he faced arrest. “Do what you gotta do,” the teen said. “I’m not going to school.”

    Deputies then arrested the boy--who was sitting on his bed--for resisting without violence/obstruction of justice, a misdemeanor. The child was handcuffed and transported to the county jail (from which he was later released into his mother's custody).

    The woman told deputies that her son “failed grades in New York for skipping school, as well as being in trouble with the law.”

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    A Massachusetts woman whose license plates were revoked attached a hand-drawn tag to her car and kept driving, police say.

    Johanna Baez-Rodriguez, 25, was pulled over yesterday morning by a state trooper who spotted the homemade license plate on her 1991 Honda Accord as it traveled on Insterstate 391 in Chicopee.

    As seen above, the counterfeit cardboard plate includes numbers and letters drawn on with red and blue markers.

    Baez-Rodriguez, a Springfield resident, was charged with a variety of violations, including driving with a suspended license and attaching false plates to her ride.

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    A Florida duffer allegedly attacked two of his playing partners with his putter following a dispute over marking a ball, police allege.

    Michael Rich, 48, joined a threesome Monday morning at the Madison Green Golf Club in West Palm Beach, according to a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office report.

    A member of the foursome, Anthony Nazzaro, told deputies that trouble began when “Michael told him to mark his ball then an argument started.” As the dispute escalated, golfer Roy Hall “tried to settle things down,” investigators noted.

    But “Michael then swung his putter at Roy, striking his lower leg and breaking his putter,” a deputy reported. Rich then came after Nazzarro, “swinging the broken putter like a sword.” Rich (seen at right) struck Nazzarro on the wrist, causing a “large raised laceration.”

    In an interview with cops, Rich claimed that Hall “ran up to him and pushed him with golf club.” Feeling threatened, Rich said he swung at the back of Hall’s leg because he “wanted them to stay away.”

    Since he was judged to be the primary aggressor, Rich was arrested and charged with two counts of felony battery. After spending a day in jail, Rich was released from custody Tuesday on his own recognizance.

    Similar golf rage incidents occurred last month and last June.

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    A South Dakota man who was summoned to court yesterday for failing to complete a mandated anger management class attacked his female lawyer inside the courthouse and ended up behind bars on a felony assault rap, police report.

    Following a prior assault conviction, Kelly John Lange, a 34-year-old Sioux Falls resident, was ordered by a judge to attend anger management classes. But when he did not complete that course, he was ordered to appear in court to answer for his no-shows.

    According to police, Lange (seen at right) became upset Tuesday with his public defender and attacked the lawyer in a conference room. The attorney suffered minor injuries, but she did not need medical assistance.

    Lange was arrested for assault and booked into the Minnehaha County jail, where he is being held without bond.

    While the attack was classified as a simple assault, Lange was charged with felony assault since his rap sheet includes two or more convictions within the past five years, according to jail records. (1 page)

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    An Arkansas woman with an obvious affinity for eye shadow was arrested yesterday for allegedly trying to steal $144 worth of the makeup from a beauty store.

    Brandy Allen, 31, was collared Monday afternoon at a Fayetteville store after she stuffed the cosmetics in her purse. Cops say that a female acquaintance sought to distract store workers while Allen swiped the eye shadow,

    A manager at the Ulta Beauty Store detained Allen (seen in the above mug shot) until a Fayetteville Police Department cop arrived at the business and arrested her for shoplifting and disorderly conduct.

    After posting $830 bond, Allen was released late last night from the Washington county jail. She is scheduled for a September 26 District Court hearing on the misdemeanor counts.

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    Two Ohioans are facing theft charges after they allegedly swiped four “sexual pleasure aids” from a Walmart during a 1:45 AM shopping trip, police report.

    Yes, Walmart sells “sexual pleasure aids.”

    According to cops, Walmart security guards detained Kia Porter, 23, and Geoffrey Greene, 20, after the Cleveland residents were spotted last week stashing the merchandise into Porter’s purse as they moved through the store in South Euclid, a Cleveland suburb.

    When later confronted, Porter was “initially verbally combative,” and the pair refused to cooperate with security guards. But when cops arrived, Porter (seen at right) turned over her purse, which contained two Trojan Intense Pleasure vibrating rings and two LifeStyles a:muse “his and hers vibrating ring and massager.”

    The devices were valued at a combined $30.52.

    Cited for theft, Porter and Greene are scheduled for a September 11 court appearance on the misdemeanor charge.

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    A Florida man was arrested early yesterday after he allegedly reached inside a drive-thru window and groped a female Taco Bell employee, cops say.

    According to a police report, Philip Guerrero, 38, placed an order around 2 AM and then drove to the pick-up window at the Bradenton restaurant.

    Upon arriving at the window, Guerrero “exited from his vehicle and reached inside of the window and grabbed the victim’s left butt cheek.” The Taco Bell worker, Kerri Pasatta, 40, told police that she wanted to press charges (and she provided investigators with a sworn affidavit).

    Alcohol, cops noted, was a factor in the alleged Taco Bell groping.

    Guerrero was arrested for simple battery and booked Saturday into the Manatee County jail. He was later released from custody after posting $500 bond, and is scheduled for an October 2 court appearance on the misdemeanor charge.

    Court records show that Guerrero’s rap sheet includes two prior battery arrests, as well as collars for drunk driving and possession of drug paraphernalia.

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    On hump day, flip-flops triggered an auto crash in Wisconsin, according to police who reported that one of the vehicles involved was hauling a camel.

    The accident Wednesday was caused when Kelly Ellison, a 28-year-old Milwaukee woman wearing flip-flops, somehow got her footwear caught and “was unable to stop at the stop sign.” Her auto was then hit by a pickup truck pulling a trailer containing a camel named Eli.

    A press release from the Caledonia Police Department reports that Ellison and her three-year-old child were not injured in the crash. However, the other driver--whose truck went into a ditch--suffered leg and back injuries.

    The camel, a resident of Jo Don Farms, survived the accident unscathed and will return to work giving small children rides on its back.

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    A Los Angeles lawyer was arrested this week for heroin trafficking, according to court records

    Glen Hunsberger, 46, was named in an August 26 felony complaint detailing how he and several associates have been the target of a year-long federal investigation into drug distribution and money laundering.

    On Monday, Hunsberger was stopped by Transportation Security Administration officers at a checkpoint in the Dayton, Ohio airport. A duffel bag he was carrying held more than $90,000 in cash. During subsequent questioning by federal agents, Hunsberger claimed to be transporting the money to Las Vegas on behalf of a man whose name he did not know.

    While contending not to know the man’s identity, Hunsberger referred to him as a “client” who works in the clothing industry. Hunsberger said that he has made over 10 trips to Ohio to pick up cash, which he then flew with to Las Vegas (before driving the money to Los Angeles, where it was picked up by “Carlos,” his client’s representative).

    The criminal charge against Hunsberger stems from a package of heroin that was mailed last year by an associate of the attorney. Last month, a search of Hunsberger’s Las Vegas home turned up 20 pounds of marijuana, half-a-pound of crack cocaine, and assorted drug packaging equipment.     

    According to the U.S. District Court complaint, Hunsberger was arrested in 1994 for “possessing three kilos of cocaine and $33,000.00 in a Las Vegas hotel room.” The document does not detail the disposition of that case.

    In June, Hunsberger celebrated his birthday with a trip to Disneyland. As seen above, he was spotted meeting at the California amusement park with Minnie Mouse. The Disney figure, however, has not been implicated in the lawyer’s alleged drug distribution or money smuggling.

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    A Florida stripper yesterday hung up the phone on a cop trying to locate her missing 10-year-old daughter because she was due on stage at a gentlemen’s club, police report.

    Bobbey Jo Boucher, 29, was arrested last night for misdemeanor obstruction and booked into the Pasco County jail. Boucher, pictured at right, was released from custody this morning after posting $663 bond.

    Cops were summoned yesterday to Boucher’s home by the child’s grandmother, who reported that the girl had been missing for four hours. The woman told officers that Boucher had “left the child at a BBQ up the street as she went to work” Wednesday afternoon at the Calendar Girls strip club.

    When the child did not return from the barbecue, her grandmother called cops. In turn, Pasco County Sheriff’s Office deputies contacted Boucher at the club. But while speaking with a deputy, Boucher “stated ‘I have to get on stage’ and hung up the phone.”

    Boucher subsequently contended that she did not hang up on the deputy, but rather just “transferred to another caller who was calling her.” That explanation did not fly with cops, who noted that the hang up prevented them from entering information about the girl into a missing child databse.

    The girl was eventually found unharmed around 9 PM. Her mother was busted an hour later.