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    A Florida woman is facing a child cruelty charge for allegedly using her teenage son as a hood ornament on her Mazda, police report.

    Tojuana Lowe, 43, was arrested Thursday morning after being spotted driving on State Road 434 near her Winter Springs home with her son “on top of the vehicle,” according to a police report.

    After being pulled over by a cop around 7:50 AM, Lowe claimed that her son had “jumped on her vehicle to prevent her from leaving” their residence. Lowe admitted that she drove off with the juvenile on the car, saying that, “I tried to scare him.” Lowe, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, added, “I drove off with him on the car thinking he would jump off.”

    Police estimate that Lowe, driving between 20 and 25 miles per hour, went about 540 yards with her child “grasping onto the hood of her vehicle.” Cops added that the state road has a “high volume of traffic flow,” and that if Lowe had gotten into an accident, her son could have been seriously injured.

    Lowe “admitted to me she had knowledge it was wrong for her to drive the vehicle while her son was on the top and unsecured,” a cop reported.

    Charged with felony child cruelty, Lowe was booked into the Seminole County jail, from which she was later released after posting $2000 bond. She is scheduled for a February 25 arraignment in Circuit Court.

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    UNRELATED: Terrorist imam Anwar al-Awlaki loved call girls and street hookers

    Angered that a fellow pupil passed gas in her general direction, a New York City high school student allegedly clobbered the male victim in the head with a metal stool and repeatedly punched him in the face, according to police.

    Joquasha Rosado, 17, was arrested last week following the bloody attack at South Richmond High School in Staten Island. She was subsequently named in a criminal complaint charging her with felony assault, weapons possession, and harassment.

    Rosado’s attack on the 15-year-old victim left the boy with “a bleeding gash that required eight staples,” reported Officer Jennifer Hadley. After hitting the victim with the metal stool, Rosado allegedly struck the pupil “about the head approximately ten to fifteen times with a closed fist.”

    Now free on her own recognizance, Rosado is scheduled for a February 25 Criminal Court appearance.

    Similar accounts of confrontations triggered by flatulence can be found here, here, here, and here.

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    Meet John Balmer.

    The 50-year-old Floridian was arrested late Monday evening after allegedly attempting to pass another man a plastic baggie that turned out to contain methamphetamine and marijuana.

    As seen above, before departing the department store, a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office deputy made sure to photograph Balmer in his “Who Needs Drugs. No, seriously, I have drugs” t-shirt.

    Balmer was freed yesterday afternoon from the county jail on $2150 bond. His rap sheet includes prior arrests for domestic battery, contempt, battery, and tampering with a witness.

    Balmer’s t-shirt joins previous unfortunate/brilliant garment choices like this, this, this, this, and this.

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    Here is the police report filed by the Florida sheriff’s deputy who last week agreed to “stand by” and watch while a father spanked his misbehaving 12-year-old daughter with a paddle.

    Last Monday evening, Okeechobee Sheriff’s Office Deputy Joseph Hall was dispatched to a residence “in reference to a juvenile problem.” Upon arriving at the home, Hall met with Dale Garcia, a Walmart worker who explained that his daughters Haley and Jessica had been arguing over a tablet computer.

    Garcia, 42, told Hall that during the argument Haley locked herself in her bedroom. Jessica, Garcia added, then used a knife to pick the lock and gain entry to her sister’s room (where she bounced upon her sibling’s chest).

    “Dale said he wanted to use his paddle to discipline Jessica for using the knife,” noted Hall, who added that Garcia “wanted me to stand by while he spanked her with the paddle.”

    Hall reported that he agreed to the request, and subsequently “stood by as Dale spanked Jessica 4 times on her buttocks.” He then departed the Garcia residence since “no crime had been committed.”

    A sheriff’s spokesperson said that while deputies are willing to oversee parental discipline, it “is something that's done only when a deputy has no other calls to handle."

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    Now that Prince Andrew has found himself ensnared in the sleazy sex slave story of wealthy degenerate Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton can’t be too far behind.

    Epstein, who paid teenage girls for naked massages at his Palm Beach, Florida mansion, is a convicted sex offender whose circle of powerful friends has included financiers, celebrities, politicians, and scientists.

    In fact, Epstein, 61, has maintained many of these relationships even after pleading guilty in 2008 to a felony charge stemming from a lengthy probe of his lewd interaction with scores of underage girls, many of whom were recruited while they were students at a Palm Beach high school. 

    Epstein is pictured above in his most recent sex offender registry photo.

    But while Prince Andrew and other public figures resumed meeting with a post-prison Epstein, Clinton appears to have avoided the billionaire, who owns a private Caribbean island, a Manhattan mansion, a New Mexico ranch, and a Paris apartment in addition to his waterfront Palm Beach residence.

    According to court records, Clinton “frequently flew” with Epstein aboard the investor’s private jet from 2002 to 2005, the year news of the police investigation of Epstein was first reported.

    During the early stages of that probe, cops surreptitiously collected the trash from in front of Epstein’s Palm Beach home. The refuse included documents with the names of some of his many underage masseuses, as well as an Amazon.com invoice for the purchase of sex slave books like “SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools,” Training with Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners,” and “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction.”

    As part of a civil suit filed against Epstein by several of his victims, lawyers for the women floated the possibility of subpoenaing Clinton since he “might well be a source of relevant information” about Epstein’s activities.

    While Clinton was never deposed, lawyers obtained Epstein’s computerized phone directory, which included “e-mail addresses for Clinton along with 21 phone numbers for him, including those for his assistant (Doug Band),” according to a court filing.

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    Restaurant patrons caught trying to pay a bill with counterfeit currency told Florida police that they apparently had received the fake paper as a Christmas gift from “Black Jesus.”

    After enjoying a January 1 seafood dinner at a Long John Silver’s in Bradenton, a customer sought to pay for his group’s meal with a counterfeit bill, according to a police report. However, an alert cashier recognized the phony currency and called cops.

    When Deputy Sinclair Cason arrived at the eatery around 9:15 PM and questioned the customers, they were “cooperative and were unaware of the authenticity of the currency.”

    During further questioning, they told Cason that “apparently the bill was given to them as a gift for Christmas from an individual” known to them as “Black Jesus.”

    The phony bill was seized by Cason and booked into evidence. The Long John Silver’s customers--who denied knowing that the bill was fake--were not charged in connection with the counterfeit currency. The restaurant tab apparently was settled with legal tender.

    The police report does not further describe the relationship between the diners and “Black Jesus,” or why “Black Jesus” was giving them cash for Christmas. Nor does it offer a physical description of “Black Jesus.” Though a beard seems likely.

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    1/21/15 UPDATE: "Poopgangsta" remains at large, according to Euclid police

    Police are searching for “poopgangsta” in connection with the Christmas Eve shooting of a victim inside an Ohio nightclub.

    According to cops in Euclid, a city outside Cleveland, Tyrice Bowens is wanted for the attempted murder of a patron at the Blueprint Lounge. The victim was shot once in the leg and stomach and subsequently underwent surgery.

    The 26-year-old Bowens uses the handle “poopgangsta” on Twitter, where his 475 followers are treated to refelections such as, “So my nigga out rhe bag young just spent $200 own drank I love my niggas no homo.”

    Bowens, a father of two, is also known as “poopgangsta” on Instagram, though his 2300-follower account appears to have been deleted. A cached version of the page shows that it carried the motto “Shootin niggas left and right if they aint steppin right.”

    It is unclear why Bowens, seen above, refers to himself as “poopgangsta.”

    According to court records, Bowens was sentenced in mid-2012 to a year in jail for burglary and criminal damage. He was arrested last July for aggravated riot, escape, and resisting. Bowens was busted again in November 2013 for aggravated robbery, felony assault, and kidnapping. Both of his 2013 cases are open.

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    On December 9, police in Tallahassee, Florida received a 911 call from a Dollar General store reporting that a “black male juvenile” was “destroying” the business.

    When officers arrived at the Crawfordville Road store, the suspect was being detained outside the front entrance. Inside, evidence of the boy’s rampage was strewn across the convenience store’s aisles.

    For unknown reasons, the child--who did not appear to be in the company of an adult--spent several minutes knocking over displays and pushing merchandise off store shelves. The vandalism ended when the boy was accosted by a young man who pulled him out of the store and held the child until police arrived.

    A 3:29 video of the Dollar General vandalism was posted early yesterday to Facebook by a male shopper who recorded part of the boy’s outburst (and who had items thrown at him by the juvenile).

    On the video, seen above, the customer provides a profane play-by-play of the destruction, and repeatedly refers to the boy as a “jit,” street slang for an out-of-control youth. “Jit is going ham in dollar store. Believe that,” the man said at one point. “He need his ass whooped,” the narrator later added.

    It is unclear whether the boy was arrested by police. A Dollar General store manager who told TSG he was present during the rampage declined to discuss damages caused by the child.

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    Meet David Hampton.

    The Missouri man, 33, is locked up for domestic assault after he allegedly used a cardboard roll of wrapping paper to choke his wife during a Christmas Day attack in their home.

    According to a probable cause statement, Hampton’s wife told police that she “blacked out” during the attack. “The victim had injuries consistent with being strangled,” a cop reported.

    Hampton, pictured in the above mug shot, lives with the victim and the couple’s two children in St. Peters, a city 30 miles from St. Louis.  

    Charged with felony domestic assault, Hampton was booked into the St. Charles County jail, where he remains locked up in lieu of $50,000 cash bail. A judge has ordered Hampton to have no contact with his spouse.

    Hampton is scheduled for a January 8 Circuit Court hearing.

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    Meet Chessly Brimberry.

    The Louisiana woman, 36, is jailed after allegedly trying to “forcefully” steal the shoes off an 11-year-old boy.

    Following Saturday afternoon’s attempted theft, cops arrested Brimberry based on a description provided by the young victim. After being collared, Brimberry “stated she could not believe she was being arrested for trying to take shoes from an 11 year old kid,” according to a probable cause affidavit.

    Police noted that Brimberry’s blood alcohol content was measured at more than three times the legal limit for motorists (though the affidavit does not indicate that Brimberry was driving).

    While being booked into jail, Brimberry reportedly told a cop, “When I see you I will kill you.” She also twice tried to run out of the jail, investigators noted. Pictured above, Brimberry is locked up in lieu of $7500 bond.

    Brimberry was charged with attempted robbery and public intimidation. The affidavit does not disclose what kind of shoes the child was wearing.

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    Late Saturday evening, cops in Pocatello, Idaho received a call that suspicious subjects “dressed as Batman and Superman were attempting entry into a residence.”

    When cops later approached the pair, they claimed to be looking for a party, according to police.

    Upon further questioning, officers determined that Batman--Andrew Michael Christenson--had an active arrest warrant. “The Dark Knight was taken into custody and incarcerated,” cops reported.

    Seen above, the 24-year-old Christenson was arrested and booked into the Bannock County jail, where he was photographed sans mask.

    No charges were filed against Superman.

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    The St. Louis prosecutor in charge of the Ferguson grand jury today acknowledged that witnesses “absolutely lied under oath” before the panel, but said that none of the perjurers--including the unmasked "Witness 40"--would face criminal charges.

    During a KTRS radio interview, Prosecuting Attorney Robert McCulloch said that, “Early on I decided that anyone who claimed to have witnessed anything would be presented to the grand jury,” even if investigators questioned their truthfulness.

    McCulloch (seen above left) said that he opted to present “anybody and everybody” to the grand jury, adding that it was the responsibility of panel members to judge the credibility of individual witnesses.

    Referring to “Witness 40,” whom TSG identified this week as a 45-year-old St. Louis woman named Sandra McElroy, McCulloch said she “clearly wasn’t present” when Michael Brown was shot to death by Officer Darren Wilson.

    Pictured above, McElroy, who twice testified before the Ferguson grand jury, claimed that she witnessed the deadly August 9 confrontation while standing on a nearby sidewalk. Her account, which matched Wilson’s version of the incident, included the claim that Brown battered the cop before rushing at the officer “like a football player, head down.”

    McCulloch said that the woman’s sworn account was taken “right out of the newspaper,” adding that he believed grand jurors attached little credibility to her testimony.

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    An Illinois woman is seeking to trademark the dying last words of the New York City man who gasped “I can’t breathe” while being arrested by NYPD cops for selling loose cigarettes.

    In a December 13 application, Catherine Crump petitioned the United States Patent and Trademark Office to register the phrase for use on hoodies and t-shirts for men, women, boys, girls, and infants.

    The 57-year-old Crump, who lives in Waukegan, a city 40 miles north of Chicago, contends that she has been using “I can’t breathe” for commercial purposes since “at least as early” as August 18, one month after Eric Garner, 43, died following a confrontation with police on Staten Island.

    A video of the encounter captured Garner repeatedly saying, “I can’t breathe” as Officer Daniel Pantaleo wrapped his arm around the 350-pound suspect’s neck. Other officers sought to pin Garner to the sidewalk so he could be handcuffed. A Staten Island grand jury earlier this month declined to indict Pantaleo in connection with Garner’s death.

    During nationwide marches, participants have chanted “I can’t breathe” as part of protests against police brutality.

    In an interview, Crump said that she had “nothing to do with the Garner family,” and had not spoken to them about her trademark bid. While claiming that her purpose for marketing “I can’t breathe” garments was not to make money, she declined to disclose what other reason there was for her trademark filing (which cost $325).

    Three similar entrepreneurs have filed to trademark the phrase “Hands Up Don’t Shoot” for use on clothing items. Each of those USPTO applications was filed within three weeks of the August 9 death of Michael Brown, the unarmed teenager who was shot to death by a cop in Ferguson, Missouri.