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    In its report detailing why Officer Darren Wilson will not face federal civil rights charges for the killing of Michael Brown, the Department of Justice recounts an investigation that was marred by lying witnesses, none of whom apparently will face charges for their perjurious conduct.

    The parallel state and federal investigations into the August 2014 death of the 18-year-old Brown became Perjuryfest ’14, a free-for-all of fabricated claims, exaggerated accounts, and delusional tales.

    According to the DoJ report, federal investigators dismissed versions of the Brown-Wilson confrontation provided by 24 separate witnesses, who are identified in the document by a witness number and their respective ages, sex, and race. However, despite that limited information, some of the discredited witnesses are easy to identify.

    The testimony from these witnesses was alternately branded inconsistent, not credible, unreliable, incoherent, and based on rumor and hearsay.

    Federal agents declared that “material portions” of Brown sidekick Dorian Johnson’s account were found to “lack credibility.” Two women who gave a series of media interviews about the shooting--Piaget Crenshaw and Tiffany Mitchell--were deemed unreliable by federal officials. The 19-year-old Crenshaw’s account was “riddled with inconsistencies” and certain details she provided “lack credibility,” according to the report. A construction worker who was laying pipe with a coworker near the shooting site was branded “not credible.” The other worker refused to meet with federal investigators.

    Of the 24 individuals, several admitted lying during law enforcement interviews, with one teenager saying that he just “wanted to be a part of it.” After recanting her fabricated tale, a 23-year-old woman admitted that she “wanted to be involved from the outset” and be “part of something.”

    Five of the witnesses are convicted felons, with two having convictions for “crimes of dishonesty.” “Witness 137,” a 40-year-old convicted murderer, claimed that Wilson stood over Brown and “finished him off” with a shot to the head, “execution” style. The felon also claimed to have heard Brown tell Wilson, “Don’t shoot.” The man, who eventually recanted most of his claims, “was untruthful to the FBI during his initial interview,” noted federal investigators.  

    Two other witnesses--whose respective accounts were previously picked apart by TSG--were also dismissed as unreliable by Justice Department officials.

    “Witness 126,” a 53-year-old woman, was “admittedly untruthful to the FBI, suffered from memory loss” and gave federal agents an account that lacked credibility. The woman, who has “several felony arrests and a misdemeanor conviction,” is referred to as “Witness 41” in the grand jury transcripts previously released by state prosecutors.

    The most bizarre claim by “Witness 126” came after she finished her grand jury testimony. The woman told a prosecutor that she had recorded Brown’s shooting on her phone. Then she claimed to have dropped the phone in the toilet. As noted in the DoJ report, “When the state prosecutor told her that forensic experts may still be able to recover the data, Witness 126 stated that she got mad and threw the phone in the junk yard.”

    Witness Sandra McElroy, identified in the federal report as “Witness 140,” was branded “not reliable” since “large parts of her narrative have been admittedly fabricated from media accounts, and her bias in favor of Wilson is readily apparent.” As TSG reported in December, McElroy--known as “Witness 40” in the state transcripts--is a troubled, bipolar woman with two felony convictions and a history of making racist remarks. McElroy is pictured below.

    Remarkably, the cavalcade of lies continued up until days ago, nearly seven months after Brown’s killing. “Witness 148,” a 26-year-old woman, met with federal investigators in late-February and gave a vivid description of watching the deadly confrontation. Brown, she said, “looked scared and it’s not like he’s a giant or anything.” She “described Wilson as ‘possessed’ based on the ‘look in his eyes,’ as though ‘he wasn’t human,’” according to the federal report. The cop, “Witness 148” added, shot Brown while the teen was “surrendering.”

    When asked why she had not come forward sooner, “Witness 148” said that she feared the Ferguson Police Department. The woman, a convicted felon who participated in protests over the teenager’s killing, claimed to have recently met with Brown’s mother. “Witness 148 explained that as a mother herself, she wanted to share with Brown’s mother what happened to Brown,” according to the DoJ report.

    Like so many before her, “Witness 148” was dismissed as “inherently unreliable” by federal investigators.

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    A 21-year-old Nebraska motorist was arrested Saturday night after a cop discovered his marijuana stash inside a plastic container labeled “Not Weed,” police report.

    Jordan Meier was traveling with three passengers around 9 PM when a Lancaster County Sheriff’s Office deputy pulled over his 2002 Chevrolet Monte Carlo on a Lincoln street for a traffic violation, according to a police report.

    Meier was subsequently “placed into custody for DUI,” investigators noted.

    During a post-arrest inventory search of Meier's vehicle, cops located a 16-ounce plastic container (which once held Land O’Lakes sour cream) under the front passenger seat.

    Meier claimed ownership of the container, which--as seen in the above evidence photo--had the words “Not Weed” written in marker on its lid.

    But when deputies opened the container, they found more than 11 grams of marijuana inside. As a result, Meier (seen at left) was also cited for pot possession.

    In an interview, Meier told TSG that he was on line at a drive-thru Saturday afternoon when he removed a Sharpie marker from his pocket and wrote on the plastic container. Asked why, he replied, “I don’t know…I thought I was being funny. Inside joke with myself, I suppose.” He added, “Never thinking it would be confiscated.”

    According to Meier’s Facebook page, he has attended the University of Nebraska-Lincoln and works at a Jimmy John’s sandwich shop.

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    A Texas man arrested on a ninth drunk driving charge was wearing a "WARNING: I Do Dumb Things" t-shirt when jailed last week.

    Pictured above, Luciano Gutierrez--who, at 66, is way too old for cutesy "message" t-shirts--was collared on a warrant stemming from his DWI arrest three months ago.

    Gutierrez was booked Thursday into the Bell County jail, from which he was later released after posting $25,000 bond.

    Due to his history of drunk driving convictions, Gutierrez's latest arrest rises to the level of a felony (and carries a maximum 10-year prison term).

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    Indiana police are seeking the public’s help in identifying the moran (or morans) responsible for this week's graffiti defacement of a covered bridge.

    Built in 1880, the Houck Covered Bridge was vandalized Wednesday night, according to sheriff’s deputies in Putnam County, which is about 50 miles west of Indianapolis.

    In addition to hailing “Satin,” the dark underlord, the vandals painted swastikas and pentagrams across the historic structure.

    Anyone with information about the graffiti attack is asked to contact the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office.

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    Meet Danielle Pearman.

    The Floridian, 29, was arrested early this morning for attacking her boyfriend and “punching him in the nuts,” as cops succinctly reported.

    Pearman was busted at 5 AM for the alleged nut punching, which occurred Monday evening in the Bradenton residence she shared with the victim. Pearman, pictured above, is locked up in the Manatee County jail on a misdemeanor domestic battery charge.

    Devin Sweet, the man whose nuts were punched, told cops that he has been dating and living with Pearman for the last eight months. Sweet, 24, said that he and Pearman were “in a verbal argument about their relationship” when she punched him in the right eye.

    Sweet, cops noted, then proceeded to bed, with Pearman following him. “Once he was in bed, Pearman pulled the covers off of him, tried to push him out of bed and punched him in the nuts,” noted Deputy Timothy Hall, whose report did not indicate if Sweet was injured in the reported nut punching.

    Sweet and Pearman are seen below in a photo that was uploaded to Pearman's Facebook page four months ago.

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    The Oklahoma man whose penis was bitten by his former girlfriend following an argument last week has secured a court protection order after providing a judge with an account of the assault.

    In a handwritten District Court petition, Robert Lowery, 36, recalled the alleged February 19 attack by Amber Ellis, who is facing felony assault and maiming charges. Ellis remains locked up in a Tulsa jail on $45,000 bond.

    The attack on Lowery came after the couple quarrelled following a night of drinking. Lowery told police that Ellis, 32, became upset when he declared that she was too “needy.”

    “Went to sleep in the living room. She went to bed,” Lowery wrote in his petition. “I woke up to her assaulting me and trying to bite my penis off. Then she tried to bite my finger off. Then she hit me over my head with a laptop.” He added, “I ran out call my mother & went to the hospital.”

    Lowery was treated for injuries to his head, neck, and fingers, and reportedly also received several stiches at the base of his penis.   

    In response to Lowery’s petition, a judge ordered the imprisoned Ellis to have no contact with her former beau, from whom she must stay 100 yards away. A March 15 court hearing has been scheduled to determine whether a permanent order of protection will be granted.

    Lowery and Ellis are seen above in a photo from Ellis’s Facebook page. The image, posted five months ago, is captioned, “I’m going to love you for the rest of my life.”

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    Though she has been booked a few times, Oklahoman Ashley Stabler appeared pretty shocked when she posed yesterday for a mug shot at the Tulsa jail.

    Stabler, 23, was busted Monday afternoon for driving with a suspended license, no proof of insurance, and improper license plates.

    Locked up on $600 bond, Stabler is scheduled for a court appearance tomorrow.

    According to court records, Stabler was arrested in 2011 for assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, though that case was later dismissed. Stabler pleaded no contest in 2013 to a larceny charge, and she has a pending driving under suspension case.

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    Meet Ira Peterson.

    The 79-year-old Alabama woman is facing a felony charge after allegedly shooting her grand nephew in the foot during an argument over $20.

    Police responded Sunday morning to the Mobile residence that Peterson shares with the 25-year-old victim, who told officers that Peterson fired a single shot into his foot.

    Peterson contended that her relative had swiped the money from her.

    The elderly pistolero, seen in the above mug shot, was briefly booked into jail before bonding out on the second degree domestic violence charge.

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    Yes, it surely must have been the kids that so distracted this poor Florida fellow who is now short his wallet, according to this police report.

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    An Illinois man is jailed on domestic battery and child endangerment charges after he allegedly injured his seven-week-old daughter when the baby would not stop crying while he watched an episode of “The Jerry Springer Show,” police charge.

    Julian Anderson, 25, was arrested yesterday on several felony and misdemeanor charges related to an incident earlier this week at a residence in Aurora.

    According to cops, Anderson was watching the “Springer” show when the baby began crying. Anderson, seen in the above mug shot, responded by squeezing the infant and placing his hands over her mouth.

    Investigators became aware of injuries to the child when Anderson took her to an Aurora hospital Monday for treatment of a fever. Hospital workers alerted police after noticing injuries on the baby's face and back that were consistent with abuse.

    During subsequent police questioning, Anderson admitted to roughing up the baby while he was watching the television program.

    Now locked up in the Kane County jail on $50,000 bond, Anderson is facing a pair of felony battery charges, as well as misdemeanor battery, child endangerment, and obstruction counts. He also has outstanding warrants charging him with domestic battery and burglary.

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    Hunter Moore, the degenerate “revenge porn” pioneer, will plead guilty to pair of felony computer hacking charges, according to a plea agreement with federal prosecutors that was filed today in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles.

    In the agreement, Moore, 28, admits to paying a codefendant to steal nude photos from the e-mail accounts of female victims (seven of whom are referenced in the document by their initials).

    Those purloined images were then uploaded to IsAnyoneUp.com, the notorious web site founded by Moore (pictured at right).

    As a result of his plea to the felony counts, Moore faces a mandatory minimum of two years in federal prison, and a maximum of seven years behind. Additionally, he could face a $500,000 fine and a maximum of three years probation upon his release from prison.

    The plea agreement notes that prosecutors and defense counsel both reserve the right to argue for a sentence outside of federal sentencing guidelines.

    The plea agreement, which Moore signed on February 12, also details the strict limitations and controls over his future online activities, all of which will need the approval of his probation officer.

    Moore’s codefendant, Charles Evens, is scheduled to go on trial March 24, though court filings indicate that his lawyer has also been engaging in negotiations seeking a “pretrial resolution” of the criminal case.

    According to the 15-count indictment filed against Moore and Evens, Evens hacked the e-mail accounts of hundreds of victims. In e-mails, Moore directed Evens to “hack more” and “hack all week for me.” In one 2011 e-mail, the indictment charged, Moore advised Evens that they “needed to create new e-mail accounts and delete evidence of the hacking scheme.”

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    A woman who told police that she was sexually assaulted on Valentine’s Day by a male intruder who also stabbed her in the vagina was arrested yesterday after admitting that she fabricated the story, according to South Carolina cops.

    Heather Freeman, 29, claimed that a knife-wielding Hispanic man forced his way into her Spartanburg home on February 14 after she answered the doorbell. Freeman told cops that the man then “sexually assaulted her and stabbed her in her vagina,” according to a police report.

    While Freeman--who had blood on her face, neck, and groin area--was transported to a local hospital for treatment, officers began canvassing her neighborhood in search of the attacker.

    But during a subsequent hospital room interview, Freeman revised her story, claiming that the intruder was not a Hispanic man, but rather an African-American friend of hers named Phil. She subsequently “admitted that she had made the whole story up," cops noted. 

    Freeman, pictured in the above mug shot, was arrested yesterday for filing a false police report. She was booked into jail on the felony count, and was released Tuesday after about three hours in custody.

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    The spitting Texas motorist caught on tape menacing a woman and her four-year-old daughter is facing a reckless driving charge, according to police.

    Rashaad Ben, a 23-year-old repeat road rager, was hit with the misdemeanor count in connection with his encounter earlier this month on an Austin roadway with Julie Nowlin, 39, and her child.

    After watching a male driver veer from lane to lane while aggressively crowding other motorists (some of whom were nearly forced off the road), Nowlin used her cell phone to try and record the man’s license plate.

    But when Ben spotted Nowlin filming him, he jumped out of his car when traffic slowed and approached her vehicle. As seen in the above video, Ben called Nowlin a “bitch,” spit on her windshield, and raised a clenched right fist while saying, “Fuck you, Black Power.” He also called Nowlin a “white bitch.”

    Ben’s lengthy rap sheet includes criminal convictions for drunk driving, marijuana possession, theft, resisting arrest, and driving with a suspended license. If convicted of the reckless driving charge, Ben faces a maximum of 30 days in jail.

    Pictured in the above mug shot, Ben appears to enjoy spitting at women. Last month, during an argument with a female shopper at a supermarket 20 miles outside Austin, Ben spit in the woman’s face. He reportedly paid a fine to settle that repulsive incident.