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    A Florida woman who was awakened early yesterday by the “sounds of loud moaning” discovered a naked man sprawled out on her deck with massage oil and a sex toy nearby and “bodily secretions on her patio window,” police report.

    Cops responding to a 2:15 AM 911 call found Christopher Worrell, 30, “completely nude” near the woman’s Largo residence. The woman told officers that she was “startled” by the presence of Worrell, whom she did not know.

    After being detained by police, Worrell said that he wished to speak to investigators, reported Officer Marissa Curry. However, subsequent attempts to question Worrell “were unsuccessful,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    Pictured above, Worrell was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, a misdemeanor. He is being held in lieu of $250 bond at the county jail.

    While court records list the defendant’s residence as a home in Cape Coral--more than 130 miles from Largo--it appears that Worrell has recently been living as a transient in Largo. Worrell was arrested last month in Largo for stealing clothing and trying to break into a trailer. He was locked up on those felony counts until about three weeks ago, when prosecutors declined to pursue charges.

    Worrell’s rap sheet includes convictions for burglary, criminal damage, theft, dealing in stolen property, trespass, reckless driving, and narcotics possession.

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    4/20 UPDATE: Hammond was arrested last night on a pair of felony charges and booked into the Camden County jail, where he is being held without bond.

    Georgia police have identified the man who burglarized a GameStop store while wearing the world’s worst disguise--the plastic wrapping used to package water bottles.

    Cops report that Kerry Hammond Jr. is wanted in connection with last Friday’s burglary of the video game store in St. Marys, a city in Georgia’s southeastern corner.

    Investigators allege that the 22-year-old Hammond sought to hide his identity by wearing the plastic wrapping around his head. But Hammond--who is 6’ 1” and 275 pounds, did a poor job obscuring his face, as seen in video surveillance stills released by police. A distinctive tattoo on Hammond’s right forearm can also be seen in GameStop security video.

    Hammond, last spotted driving a white 2006 Ford Taurus, has two other active felony warrants charging him with burglary and criminal damage to property.

    Hammond--who has been dubbed “Big Dasani” by one Georgia wag--is seen in the below mug shot snapped after a prior arrest. In seeking the public’s assistance St. Marys police have noted that, “You can help us catch him, once you stop laughing.”

    dumbass, Georgia
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    Federal agents intercepted $2 million worth of crystallized methamphetamine that had been transported from Mexico inside wax figurines of Disney characters like Pluto, Donald Duck, and Winnie the Pooh.

    The 500-pound narcotics haul was seized by Drug Enforcement Administration agents working in Atlanta.

    Each of the figurines contained about a pound of crystallized meth that apparently was manufactured in Mexico.

    The knockoff wax figurines, seen in the above and below DEA photos, were shipped along with hundreds of legitimate ceramic Disney figurines, investigators say.

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    What kind of a person makes lewd comments to the Easter Bunny?

    Meet Ladonna Hughett.

    Cops say the 54-year-old Ohioan spent Saturday afternoon at a carousel park in Richland, a city midway between Columbus and Cleveland. Hughett “appeared intoxicated,” according to a witness who spoke with police.

    At one point, Hughett, seen at right, had her photo taken with the Easter Bunny. It was then that she “allegedly made lewd comments to the Bunny” before hopping on the carousel. Sadly, a Mansfield Police Department report does not further describe the inappropriate words reportedly whispered in the victim’s giant ears.

    Video shows Hughett perched on the Easter Bunny's lap with her right hand on the character's crotch. Watching this, a female onlooker can be heard saying, "Oh my! This is a kids event." A still from the video can be seen below.

    When officers confronted Hughett, she displayed various signs of intoxication, like slurred speech, bloodshot eyes, and a generally wobbly demeanor. She was arrested for public drunkenness and booked into the county jail.

    Hughett, who was convicted last year of aggravated assault, is not facing charges for her inappropriate comments to the Easter Bunny.

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    A Florida man was arrested early yesterday after telling police that his name was “Captain Dickhead.”

    Cops responding to a 1:45 AM disturbance at a residence in Sebastian encountered Pamela Alonge, who apologized for arguing loudly with her boyfriend in the home’s backyard.

    When asked multiple times to identify himself, the boyfriend refused and was “being evasive and argumentative with officers at the scene,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    After cops handcuffed the man, they took one more shot at extracting a name from him. “At which time he said his name was ‘Captain Dickhead,’” an officer reported.

    Investigators subsequently identified “Dickhead” as Joseph Boren, 25. He was arrested on a misdemeanor obstruction charge. After eight hours in custody, Boren (seen above) was released from jail on his own recognizance. Boren is scheduled for an April 17 court appearance.

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    A Minnesota man broke into a home early Saturday morning and cooked himself “children’s chicken nuggets” before police arrived and took him into custody, according to a court filing.

    Investigators say that Dylan Bradley Madden, 21, entered a Mankato home though an unlocked garage door around 2 AM. The residence was occupied at the time by a woman and her two juvenile children.

    Madden, seen above, found his way to the kitchen, where he cooked the chicken nuggets and got himself a drink. The homeowner, who confronted Madden inside the residence, told police that the intruder appeared inebriated.

    A subsequent breath test recorded Madden’s blood alcohol content at .10, just above the .08 limit. Madden, cops noted, “did not appear to be intoxicated to the point of not being able to make conscious decisions.”

    Madden was arrested on a felony burglary charge in connection with his quest for a post-midnight snack.

    Madden's rap sheet includes a 2016 felony conviction for which he was sentenced to five years probation. He violated terms of his release last year, but court records do not indicate what additional punishment may have been levied against Madden.

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    Most bucket lists include pursuits like skydiving, seeing the Northern Lights, or running with the bulls in Pamplona.

    But Tony Strasiser just wanted to steal something from Target.

    The 23-year-old Pennsylvania native was arrested yesterday after trying to boost bed sheets and Clif bars from a Target in Clearwater, Florida, according to an arrest affidavit.

    Strasiser, cops say, hid the merch in a reusable grocery bag and departed the store. But when he was subsequently confronted by a loss prevention officer, Strasiser dropped the stolen goods at the store’s entrance and fled on foot.

    Pictured above, Strasiser later returned to Target and apologized for his actions. He reportedly told a Clearwater Police Department officer that he "shoplifted as a thing for his 'bucket list.'" The theft, he added, was a “lapse of good judgment.”

    Charged with theft, Strasiser was booked into the county jail yesterday afternoon on the misdemeanor count. He was released around 11 PM after posting $250 bond.

    The 6’ 6” Strasiser was a high school football and baseball star who attended West Virginia University, where he played on the school’s baseball team in 2015. Strasiser, a biology major, graduated last year from WVU.

    Strasirer’s mother Lisa is the district attorney in Somerset County, Pennsylvania.

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    A 64-year-old Florida woman who “caught her fiancé...watching porn and masturbating” is facing a criminal charge for allegedly battering her beau, police say.

    According to an arrest report, Gayle Tindall last week discovered the victim pleasuring himself one morning with the aid of filmed entertainment in the couple’s Fort Pierce residence. Tindall and the man then argued for a bit before the victim headed to work.

    Upon the man’s return home, Tindall--who was reportedly still upset--allegedly “grabbed his arm digging her nails into his right forearm and scratching him.” The victim declined medical treatment, cops noted.    

    Tindall was arrested on a battery charge and booked into the county jail (from which she was released on $250 bond).

    As a condition of her release, Tindall was ordered to have no contact with the victim and she is not allowed to come within 500 feet of the couple’s residence. Seen above, Tindall is scheduled for a March 13 arraignment on the misdemeanor count.

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    A methamphetamine trafficker who was wearing a D.A.R.E. t-shirt when arrested by Michigan narcotics agents was sentenced yesterday to a minimum of 15 years in prison.

    Jeffrey Elton Schmiege, 48, was arrested last year following a raid at his residence that yielded "large quantities of crystal meth, prescription medication, marijuana, a firearm, and ammunition," according to the local narcotics task force.

    Schmiege, seen above, recently pleaded guilty to multiple felony narcotics counts. Investigators identified him as the leader of a ring that brought meth from Minnesota into Gogebic County in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.

    Schmiege has a lengthy rap sheet that includes nine felony and six misdemeanor arrests.

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    An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale, police report.

    Duane Barry Smith, 52, was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

    According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap’n Crunch fresh. Smith was especially perturbed since he is missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal.

    At one point, Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so that he could experience how hard it was to consume the Cap'n Crunch. When the man refused, Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord.

    As first reported by the Moundville Times, Smith’s roommate suffered injuries to his face, hand, and arm.

    An employee at the Hale County jail declined to say whether Smith was in custody or had bonded out on the misdemeanor charge.

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    Arkansas police today arrested Shelby Mustang GT500 Miller for driving without a license and two separate vehicular charges.

    Miller, 29, was nabbed by a state trooper and booked this afternoon into the Baxter County jail on $450 bond. In addition to the license count, Miller was cited for driving without a seatbelt and having no proof of liability insurance.

    Miller first appeared in these pages following his July 2014 arrest in Des Moines, Iowa on public intoxication and weapons charges.

    As we reported at the time, police documents did not indicate whether Miller was given the Mustang GT500 middle name at birth or whether it was an aftermarket addition. Today, that mystery remains unsolved.

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    A tenant at a Florida apartment complex is facing criminal charges--and eviction--after he was caught “utilizing every machine” in the community gym “while being completely naked,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    Police were called Wednesday morning to the Andover Place Apartments in Orlando after a leasing agent spotted Kerry Haynes, 57, working out in the buff. The agent then contacted a maintenance man to report what she had observed.

    The second worker then went to the gym and saw Haynes “utilizing the stationary bicycle, while being completely naked (to include no socks or shoes.).” Asked by the employee what he was doing, Haynes replied, "I'm working out."

    When the worker announced that the police had been called, Haynes left the gym (seen below). A landscaper subsequently spotted Haynes “laying in the grass, and masturbating near the pond.”

    An Orange County Sheriff’s Office deputy responding to a 911 call observed Haynes vigorously pleasuring himself. After handcuffing the naked renter, the cop accompanied the suspect to his apartment, where a pile of Haynes’s clothing was on the living room floor.

    Seen in the above mug shot, Haynes was arrested for indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, and exposure of sexual organs. Haynes is being held in the Orange County jail in lieu of $700 bond.

    The owners of the Andover Place complex have filed an eviction lawsuit against Haynes.

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    Police today arrested the Taco Bell employee accused of striking his manager with a “hot burrito” during a tirade about having to work the morning shift at a South Carolina restaurant.

    Christopher Dalton, 28, was collared around 10:30 AM by Spartanburg cops and booked into the county jail on assault and battery and malicious damage charges.

    Dalton, pictured at right, is scheduled today for a 5 PM bond hearing on the misdemeanor counts.

    Spartanburg police were summoned last week to Taco Bell after Dalton got into a confrontation with Patricia Keeley, his manager. As detailed in a police report, Dalton was reportedly upset about his work schedule and “was getting into several verbal disputes with other coworkers.”

    Keeley told cops that when she told Dalton to “stop being a crybaby,” he “slung” a burrito at her. “The melted cheese got all over her left arm and went all down her left side and leg,” cops noted. The thrown burrito also “made a mess of the entire kitchen as well, getting cheese over all the appliances,” Keeley recalled.

    Before storming out of the Taco Bell, Dalton “took off his headset and broke it on his knee and threw it on the ground, causing it to break into several pieces,” the report states.