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    After completing a jail sentence, a Florida woman left the Manatee County lockup last month with a smuggled memento of her time behind bars.

    In a Facebook post, the woman wrote, “just a pic of a souvenir I picked up on my 6 month vacation.” Next to that caption was a photo of a spork, the spoon/fork hybrid used by inmates during jail meals. In a subsequent message, the inmate noted that, “it wasn’t easy to get out with me….that’s for sure!!!”

    What the inmate, whose last name is Jones, did not anticipate was that her Facebook page was being monitored by Detective Todd Zink of the Manatee County Sheriff’s Office.  

    According to a police report, Zink tracked down Jones and asked if she “had taken something with her when she left jail.” Jones fessed up to nicking the spork and apologized to Zink. “I asked her if she would return it in exchange for not filing charges and she did so on 1/6/15, leaving it at the Guard Shack as I requested,” the cop reported.

    Alas, the recovered cutlery--which Zink valued at two cents--did not return to service since investigators did not know how Jones “transported the spork out of jail.” As a result, the detective marked the utensil as a “biohazard” and “put it into Property and Evidence to be destroyed."

    Florida, spork, theft
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    A new rug that greeted visitors to one Florida sheriff’s office has been pulled up after it was discovered that the standard phrase “In God We Trust” had been mistakenly rendered as “In Dog We Trust.”

    The Pinellas County Sheriff's Office rug was removed today after the typo was spotted--nearly three weeks after the floor covering was received from manufacturer American Floor Mats. The Maryland firm will replace the $500 rug with a typo-free model, as first reported by WFTS.

    As seen above, the rug features a replica of the sheriff’s logo. A second green rug at the Largo headquarters has “God” spelled correctly.

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    Following an appeal for help from the public, Vermont cops have identified the Washing Machine Urinator.

    Investigators are now trying to locate and question Steven Byrd, the man who relieved himself inside the Waterbury Laundry & Dry. Video of the December 29 incident--which can be seen below--was recorded by a surveillance camera inside the business.

    Byrd, seen in the above screen grab, was with some friends in the self-serve laundromat when he pulled up a chair to the washing machine, opened the lid, and began urinating. When finished, he zipped up his pants and shut the machine’s lid.

    Byrd is seen at right in a photo uploaded to his Facebook page two days before the urination incident.

    The business was unattended when Byrd and his friends arrived after 8 PM and “began throwing stuff around,” according to Police Chief Joby Feccia, who added that the department received “dozens of calls” from the public identifying the individuals seen in the surveillance video.

    When Byrd is apprehended, he will likely be cited for vandalism.

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    An elderly California woman is jailed on an attempted murder charge after allegedly stabbing a 75-year-old female neighbor in the neck during an argument at a retirement home, cops report.

    The confrontation Friday night at St. Francis Manor in Sacramento resulted in the arrest of Barbara Gayl Holland, a 70-year-old retired nurse who is being held in the county jail without bail.

    While Sacramento police reported that the septuagenarians were involved in an “ongoing neighbor dispute,” the nature of that disagreement is unclear (though some neighbors believe that the quarrel may have involved a cat).

    Seen in the above mug shot, Holland, who was arrested in her apartment, is scheduled to be arraigned in Superior Court tomorrow. The victim, cops reported, “sustained a serious injury that required medical treatment at an area hospital,” but she is expected to survive.

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    A Florida woman is facing a child cruelty charge for allegedly using her teenage son as a hood ornament on her Mazda, police report.

    Tojuana Lowe, 43, was arrested Thursday morning after being spotted driving on State Road 434 near her Winter Springs home with her son “on top of the vehicle,” according to a police report.

    After being pulled over by a cop around 7:50 AM, Lowe claimed that her son had “jumped on her vehicle to prevent her from leaving” their residence. Lowe admitted that she drove off with the juvenile on the car, saying that, “I tried to scare him.” Lowe, pictured in the adjacent mug shot, added, “I drove off with him on the car thinking he would jump off.”

    Police estimate that Lowe, driving between 20 and 25 miles per hour, went about 540 yards with her child “grasping onto the hood of her vehicle.” Cops added that the state road has a “high volume of traffic flow,” and that if Lowe had gotten into an accident, her son could have been seriously injured.

    Lowe “admitted to me she had knowledge it was wrong for her to drive the vehicle while her son was on the top and unsecured,” a cop reported.

    Charged with felony child cruelty, Lowe was booked into the Seminole County jail, from which she was later released after posting $2000 bond. She is scheduled for a February 25 arraignment in Circuit Court.

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    UNRELATED: Terrorist imam Anwar al-Awlaki loved call girls and street hookers

    Angered that a fellow pupil passed gas in her general direction, a New York City high school student allegedly clobbered the male victim in the head with a metal stool and repeatedly punched him in the face, according to police.

    Joquasha Rosado, 17, was arrested last week following the bloody attack at South Richmond High School in Staten Island. She was subsequently named in a criminal complaint charging her with felony assault, weapons possession, and harassment.

    Rosado’s attack on the 15-year-old victim left the boy with “a bleeding gash that required eight staples,” reported Officer Jennifer Hadley. After hitting the victim with the metal stool, Rosado allegedly struck the pupil “about the head approximately ten to fifteen times with a closed fist.”

    Now free on her own recognizance, Rosado is scheduled for a February 25 Criminal Court appearance.

    Similar accounts of confrontations triggered by flatulence can be found here, here, here, and here.

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    Meet John Balmer.

    The 50-year-old Floridian was arrested late Monday evening after allegedly attempting to pass another man a plastic baggie that turned out to contain methamphetamine and marijuana.

    As seen above, before departing the department store, a Pasco County Sheriff’s Office deputy made sure to photograph Balmer in his “Who Needs Drugs. No, seriously, I have drugs” t-shirt.

    Balmer was freed yesterday afternoon from the county jail on $2150 bond. His rap sheet includes prior arrests for domestic battery, contempt, battery, and tampering with a witness.

    Balmer’s t-shirt joins previous unfortunate/brilliant garment choices like this, this, this, this, and this.

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    Here is the police report filed by the Florida sheriff’s deputy who last week agreed to “stand by” and watch while a father spanked his misbehaving 12-year-old daughter with a paddle.

    Last Monday evening, Okeechobee Sheriff’s Office Deputy Joseph Hall was dispatched to a residence “in reference to a juvenile problem.” Upon arriving at the home, Hall met with Dale Garcia, a Walmart worker who explained that his daughters Haley and Jessica had been arguing over a tablet computer.

    Garcia, 42, told Hall that during the argument Haley locked herself in her bedroom. Jessica, Garcia added, then used a knife to pick the lock and gain entry to her sister’s room (where she bounced upon her sibling’s chest).

    “Dale said he wanted to use his paddle to discipline Jessica for using the knife,” noted Hall, who added that Garcia “wanted me to stand by while he spanked her with the paddle.”

    Hall reported that he agreed to the request, and subsequently “stood by as Dale spanked Jessica 4 times on her buttocks.” He then departed the Garcia residence since “no crime had been committed.”

    A sheriff’s spokesperson said that while deputies are willing to oversee parental discipline, it “is something that's done only when a deputy has no other calls to handle."

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    Now that Prince Andrew has found himself ensnared in the sleazy sex slave story of wealthy degenerate Jeffrey Epstein, Bill Clinton can’t be too far behind.

    Epstein, who paid teenage girls for naked massages at his Palm Beach, Florida mansion, is a convicted sex offender whose circle of powerful friends has included financiers, celebrities, politicians, and scientists.

    In fact, Epstein, 61, has maintained many of these relationships even after pleading guilty in 2008 to a felony charge stemming from a lengthy probe of his lewd interaction with scores of underage girls, many of whom were recruited while they were students at a Palm Beach high school. 

    Epstein is pictured above in his most recent sex offender registry photo.

    But while Prince Andrew and other public figures resumed meeting with a post-prison Epstein, Clinton appears to have avoided the billionaire, who owns a private Caribbean island, a Manhattan mansion, a New Mexico ranch, and a Paris apartment in addition to his waterfront Palm Beach residence.

    According to court records, Clinton “frequently flew” with Epstein aboard the investor’s private jet from 2002 to 2005, the year news of the police investigation of Epstein was first reported.

    During the early stages of that probe, cops surreptitiously collected the trash from in front of Epstein’s Palm Beach home. The refuse included documents with the names of some of his many underage masseuses, as well as an Amazon.com invoice for the purchase of sex slave books like “SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools,” Training with Miss Abernathy: A Workbook for Erotic Slaves and Their Owners,” and “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction.”

    As part of a civil suit filed against Epstein by several of his victims, lawyers for the women floated the possibility of subpoenaing Clinton since he “might well be a source of relevant information” about Epstein’s activities.

    While Clinton was never deposed, lawyers obtained Epstein’s computerized phone directory, which included “e-mail addresses for Clinton along with 21 phone numbers for him, including those for his assistant (Doug Band),” according to a court filing.

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    Restaurant patrons caught trying to pay a bill with counterfeit currency told Florida police that they apparently had received the fake paper as a Christmas gift from “Black Jesus.”

    After enjoying a January 1 seafood dinner at a Long John Silver’s in Bradenton, a customer sought to pay for his group’s meal with a counterfeit bill, according to a police report. However, an alert cashier recognized the phony currency and called cops.

    When Deputy Sinclair Cason arrived at the eatery around 9:15 PM and questioned the customers, they were “cooperative and were unaware of the authenticity of the currency.”

    During further questioning, they told Cason that “apparently the bill was given to them as a gift for Christmas from an individual” known to them as “Black Jesus.”

    The phony bill was seized by Cason and booked into evidence. The Long John Silver’s customers--who denied knowing that the bill was fake--were not charged in connection with the counterfeit currency. The restaurant tab apparently was settled with legal tender.

    The police report does not further describe the relationship between the diners and “Black Jesus,” or why “Black Jesus” was giving them cash for Christmas. Nor does it offer a physical description of “Black Jesus.” Though a beard seems likely.

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    1/21/15 UPDATE: "Poopgangsta" remains at large, according to Euclid police

    Police are searching for “poopgangsta” in connection with the Christmas Eve shooting of a victim inside an Ohio nightclub.

    According to cops in Euclid, a city outside Cleveland, Tyrice Bowens is wanted for the attempted murder of a patron at the Blueprint Lounge. The victim was shot once in the leg and stomach and subsequently underwent surgery.

    The 26-year-old Bowens uses the handle “poopgangsta” on Twitter, where his 475 followers are treated to refelections such as, “So my nigga out rhe bag young just spent $200 own drank I love my niggas no homo.”

    Bowens, a father of two, is also known as “poopgangsta” on Instagram, though his 2300-follower account appears to have been deleted. A cached version of the page shows that it carried the motto “Shootin niggas left and right if they aint steppin right.”

    It is unclear why Bowens, seen above, refers to himself as “poopgangsta.”

    According to court records, Bowens was sentenced in mid-2012 to a year in jail for burglary and criminal damage. He was arrested last July for aggravated riot, escape, and resisting. Bowens was busted again in November 2013 for aggravated robbery, felony assault, and kidnapping. Both of his 2013 cases are open.

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    On December 9, police in Tallahassee, Florida received a 911 call from a Dollar General store reporting that a “black male juvenile” was “destroying” the business.

    When officers arrived at the Crawfordville Road store, the suspect was being detained outside the front entrance. Inside, evidence of the boy’s rampage was strewn across the convenience store’s aisles.

    For unknown reasons, the child--who did not appear to be in the company of an adult--spent several minutes knocking over displays and pushing merchandise off store shelves. The vandalism ended when the boy was accosted by a young man who pulled him out of the store and held the child until police arrived.

    A 3:29 video of the Dollar General vandalism was posted early yesterday to Facebook by a male shopper who recorded part of the boy’s outburst (and who had items thrown at him by the juvenile).

    On the video, seen above, the customer provides a profane play-by-play of the destruction, and repeatedly refers to the boy as a “jit,” street slang for an out-of-control youth. “Jit is going ham in dollar store. Believe that,” the man said at one point. “He need his ass whooped,” the narrator later added.

    It is unclear whether the boy was arrested by police. A Dollar General store manager who told TSG he was present during the rampage declined to discuss damages caused by the child.

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    Meet David Hampton.

    The Missouri man, 33, is locked up for domestic assault after he allegedly used a cardboard roll of wrapping paper to choke his wife during a Christmas Day attack in their home.

    According to a probable cause statement, Hampton’s wife told police that she “blacked out” during the attack. “The victim had injuries consistent with being strangled,” a cop reported.

    Hampton, pictured in the above mug shot, lives with the victim and the couple’s two children in St. Peters, a city 30 miles from St. Louis.  

    Charged with felony domestic assault, Hampton was booked into the St. Charles County jail, where he remains locked up in lieu of $50,000 cash bail. A judge has ordered Hampton to have no contact with his spouse.

    Hampton is scheduled for a January 8 Circuit Court hearing.