Capping off a stellar 2001 campaign, Jennifer Lopez
easily defeated Osama bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, and
Timothy McVeigh to cop TSG's inaugural Document of the
Year award. Lopez romped to victory, finishing with
5036 votes, or 40.2 percent of the 12,510 votes cast
in our online poll. In fact, the pop singer/actress
totaled more votes than her three closest
competitors--all mass murderers--combined.
TSG's audience honored Lopez for the stunning two-page
list of backstage demands presented before she filmed
a cameo in a music video benefiting victims of the
September 11 attacks and the African AIDS epidemic.
Below you'll find descriptions and links to the Lopez
document and the nine other finalists for the coveted
Document of the Year crown (a/k/a the People's Cherce
Award).
Thanks to all those who took time to vote. The final
numbers went like this:
Jennifer Lopez backstage demands. 5036 votes (40.2%)
Osama bin Laden terrorism manual. 2093 (16.7)
Timothy McVeigh prison memos. 1416 (11.3)
U.S. spy report on Adolf Hitler. 848 (6.7)
Police press release on wedding day assault. 723 (5.7)
Washington license plate complaint. 577 (4.6)
Albert Gore, Sr. FBI file. 568 (4.5)
Natasha Lyonne drunk driving report. 533 (4.2)
L.A. Zoo memos on Komodo Dragon attack. 372 (2.9)
Allen Iverson wedding registry. 344 (2.7)
Scariest Document of the Year
"Military Study in the
Jihad Against the Terrorists," the 180-page terrorism
how-to guide used by followers of Osama bin Laden. The
manual offers instruction on ciphers and secret ink as
well as recipes for homemade poisons. It was seized
from the Manchester, England home of a bin Laden
disciple and entered into evidence by New York
prosecutors handling this year's federal case against
those involved in the conspiracy to bomb U.S.
embassies in Africa.
Best Diva Demands
Before filming a cameo in a music
video benefiting victims of the September 11 attacks
and the African AIDS epidemic, Jennifer Lopez had a
2-page list of backstage necessities that included:
white couches, white drapes, white tables, French
aromatherapy candles, beans, rice, chicken, Cuban
food, yellow roses with red trim, white lilies, white
roses, VCR, CD player, watermelon, apple pie a la
mode, chocolate chip cookies, and music from 43
different acts. Seems reasonable, no?
Creepiest Jail Memos
From the Bureau of Prisons file
on Timothy McVeigh came the observation that, just
weeks before his execution, the Oklahoma City bomber
maintained "a pleasant demeanor" and "exercises his
bright wit." Another internal BoP memo noted that the
mass murderer was hoping to get a note of thanks from
Terre Haute school kids whose classes were scheduled
to be cancelled on the day he was offed in the Indiana
death chamber.
Best Find in the Government's Vault
Last summer, the
National Archives released a 68-page report on Adolf
Hitler prepared in 1942 by the Office of Strategic
Services. Intended as a psychological profile, the
document reads like a gossip-filled scandal sheet,
hinting at the Fuhrer's "homosexual streak," and
recording his bizarre love of the circus. The OSS
report also notes that Hitler "will laugh heartily at
a Jewish comedian."
Most Entertaining Celebrity Arrest Report
According
to a Miami Beach Police Department report detailing
the August 28 drunk driving arrest of actress Natasha
Lyonne, after the 22-year-old "American Pie 2" star
refused a Breathalyzer test, she told cops, "I'm a
movie star. Can I talk to my entertainment lawyer?"
Best Gratuitous Swipe in an Old FBI Dossier
When the
bureau this year released its files on the late
Senator Albert Gore, Sr., the former veep's father,
this jibe was included in a memo about the longtime
FBI critic: "Gore has previously expressed his
personal antipathy to the FBI and is regarded by many
from his own state as being stupid and completely no
good."
Best Memo Memorializing a Komodo Dragon Attack
After
Sharon Stone's husband was mauled by an ornery reptile
at the Los Angeles Zoo, an interoffice memo drafted by
a zookeeper noted that, "Phil asked me if he could
take his shoes and socks off and go in barefoot. I
said okay because I had never known the animal to be
aggressive or excited by human skin. 'Komo' often
smells and uses his tongue on my arms and hands. He
smells my work boots but never shows any attempts to
bite."
Wackiest Complaint About a License Plate
In August,
Washington's Department of Motor Vehicles received an
e-mailed beef about the personalized license plate
"BEARLVR." The complainant wrote that "typically this
would not be a problem, however the mini-van also had
numerous pro-gay stickers on the back and near the
license plate. The message is simple, a bear is a
large (often overweight and hairy) gay male."
Most Embarrassing Wedding Registry
Bad boy basketball
star Allen Iverson may act like a gangsta, but
according to the $3,500 worth of items on his
Williams-Sonoma gift registry, Al's a rather
domesticated fellow. When the NBA all-star wed Tawanna
Turner in August, he sought a Mini Muffin pan, Belgian
Waffler, flat bottom wok, meat tenderizer, and
spaghetti tongs, among other treats.
Tackiest Police Press Release
After Stuart, Florida
cops arrested a bride for the wedding night assault of
her new husband (she allegedly kicked and pummeled him
and then threw cake on her beloved), they announced
the woman's arrest with a March 2001 release
headlined: "You Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too!"
The exclamation point was a real nice touch.
