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- Putin: Those FIFA guys? Honest as the day is long. Incorruptible. Shining examples of human honesty and fair dealing. Pretty handsome too. Loved by their wives, Morgan Fairchild, whom they've seen naked [Obvious]
- Man attempts to shoplift an AK-47 by stuffing it down his pants [Florida]
- One of the best investments ever made by America is well ahead of schedule and could be released this summer [Fail]