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    While en route to jail following his arrest for driving with a suspended license and no insurance, a Florida man declared, “That’s the last time I listen to Wikipedia about driving. It said I would just get a ticket.”

    Justin Miret, 22, was nabbed Friday evening after a cop spotted him running a stop sign in Port St. Lucie. Subsequent checks revealed that Miret’s driver’s license was suspended last year and his auto insurance had been cancelled.

    Miret began screaming at a patrolman, according to an arrest affidavit, and balled his fists up in an apparent attempt to intimidate the cop. Miret, seen above, was subsequently arrested and placed in the rear of a police cruiser, where he could be heard complaining about the faulty legal advice available on Wikipedia.

    Charged with a pair of misdemeanors, Miret is scheduled for an April 11 arraignment hearing. He is free on $1125 bond.

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    An Alabama man being booked into jail for public intoxication had a stolen handgun hidden in a certain body cavity, according to police who noticed that the defendant was walking “strangely” upon arrival at the county jail.

    Jesse Roberts, 23, was collared early today by cops responding to a 911 call about a prowler near a residence in Elkmont, a town outside Huntsville.

    Seen above, Roberts was arrested and transported to the Limestone County jail, where corrections officers took notice of his odd gait.

    As Roberts was being searched, an unloaded Jimenez Arms .380-caliber pistol fell from his rear end into his underwear. “I immediately considered that he defecated on himself before noticing a familiar shape in the form of a pistol in his boxers,” a jailer noted in a report, according to Sheriff Mike Blakely.

    Upon recovering the unloaded weapon from Roberts’s drawers, cops determined that the $100 handgun had been reported stolen out of Florence, a city 50 miles away.

    Along with a misdemeanor public intoxication rap, Roberts is facing charges for receiving stolen property, introducing contraband into a correctional facility, and carrying a concealed weapon without a permit. Roberts is locked up in lieu of $7250 bail.

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    Two weeks after Customs and Border Protection agents at John F. Kennedy International Airport caught this guy with 10 pounds of cocaine affixed to his legs, investigators nabbed another would-be smuggler with narcotics taped to his lower limbs.

    Mayobanex Ruiz Gomez was busted yesterday upon arrival in New York from the Dominican Republic (where he resides). After Gomez “exhibited numerous signs of nervousness” while his suitcase was being examined, he was subjected to a physical search.

    As seen in the above evidence photo, agents subsequently discovered about five pounds of cocaine duct taped to Gomez’s legs. The cocaine, officials said, has an estimated street value of $83,000.

    Gomez was arrested on a federal narcotics smuggling charge.

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    An Oregon man did not make a clean getaway early Sunday after stealing a street sweeper and leading police on a 10-mile chase.

    According to cops, Tyler Haguewood, 33, jumped into the street sweeper around 3:45 AM after the driver, a private contractor, exited the running vehicle to “use a handheld blower in order to clean an area where the street-sweeper could not reach.”

    Haguewood then drove off in the Isuzu street sweeper. Upon learning of the theft, cops in Hillsboro, a city 20 miles outside Portland, quickly located the vehicle on the deserted pre-dawn streets.

    “Officers activated their overhead emergency lights. The street-sweeper failed to yield,” cops say. For 10 miles, officers pursued the street sweeper, which topped out at 65 mph. The chase ended after Haguewood drove over spike strips placed in the roadway by Washington County Sheriff's Office deputies.

    Pictured above, Haguewood was taken into custody without incident and charged with multiple counts, including auto theft and attempting to elude police. He is also facing a parole violation charge in connection with a prior conviction for aggravated harassment.

    Haguewood is being held in the Washington County jail.

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    Meet Carl Puia.

    Like many of his fellow Americans, the 74-year-old Connecticut man dislikes “Kim Kardashian and people like her.” This fact emerged yesterday after Puia was arrested for destroying six copies of “Selfish,” Kardashian’s book of selfies, at a Barnes & Noble near his Glastonbury residence.

    Seen above, Puia turned himself in on an arrest warrant charging him with vandalism for allegedly pouring “a red liquid” over the books last October. Puia, cops report, “left a lengthy typed note for Barnes and Noble stating his dislike for Kim Kardashian and people like her.”

    Puia, free on $2500 bond, is scheduled for a March 22 court appearance on the misdemeanor criminal mischief charge.

    Published in 2015, “Selfish” contains hundreds of photos Kardashian took of herself. Upon releasing the book, Rizzoli described the author as a “trailblazer of the ‘selfie movement.’”

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    Florida cops last night arrested Mr. Toot for cocaine possession, records show.

    After spotting Neil Toot bicycling through a stop sign, a sheriff’s deputy sought to pull over the 51-year-old suspect. Toot, however, kept peddling away and, at one point, “threw something behind him to the right.”

    After Toot eventually dismounted his ride on a Bradenton street, a patrolman retrieved the tossed item, which turned out to be a plastic baggie containing crack cocaine rocks. Toot, seen above, was arrested on a felony narcotics possession charge.

    Toot is being held in the Manatee County jail in lieu of $5000 bond.

    A convicted felon, Toot has previously served state prison time for cocaine possession and aggravated child abuse. His rap sheet also includes collars for drunk driving, battery, probation violation, domestic battery, failure to pay child support, and violating a domestic violence protection order.

    Jail records do not list an alias or nickname for Toot. Like he needs one.

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    Meet Joshua Fletcher.

    The 34-year-old Floridian was arrested early yesterday on a warrant charging him with violating terms of a probation sentence imposed following his guilty plea to a misdemeanor domestic violence charge.

    As Fletcher was being booked into the Duval County lockup in Jacksonville, jailers discovered that he had a large stash of the antidepressant Alprazolam. Specifically, Fletcher was found with 54 pills, which, an officer reported, “appeared to come from the suspect's anus.”

    Seen above, Fletcher was charged with smuggling contraband into a correctional facility, a felony for which he is jailed in lieu of $10,000 bond. Fletcher, scheduled for a March 21 arraignment, has previously been convicted of burglary, cocaine possession, trespass, credit card fraud, and marijuana possession.

    The pills from inside Fletcher were “taken to the property room,” according to an arrest report that does not disclose which poor public servant had to gather up and count the pieces of evidence.

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    Meet Brandon Holbrook.

    The 41-year-old Pennsylvanian is facing criminal charges for allegedly exposing himself to a woman inside the Pequea Valley Public Library in Intercourse, a Lancaster County village.

    Holbrook, whose rap sheet includes a prior indecent exposure collar, allegedly “exposed his genitals” to the 33-year-old victim earlier this month, according to a Pennsylvania State Police report.

    Pictured above, Holbrook is facing indecent exposure and open lewdness counts in connection with the incident at the Leacock Township library.

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    A judge has issued an arrest warrant for a South Carolina woman who allegedly assaulted her ex-boyfriend after “yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around” the victim’s residence, according to a police report.

    Investigators charge that Kelly Godfrey, 30, arrived uninvited last night to the Spartanburg home of her former beau (whom Godfrey dated and lived with for about five months).

    The 34-year-old victim told cops that after he told Godfrey to leave, she “started yelling profanities and throwing sex toys around the residence." A witness told police that an agitated Godfrey was screaming “fags and dildos!” The witness added that he “tried to get Ms. Godfrey to calm down and not yell about dildos” since the victim’s two young children were present.

    Godfrey, seen at right, allegedly struck the victim in the face and threw him around the residence. By the time cops arrived at the victim’s home, Godfrey had already departed. A judge subsequently issued an arrest warrant charging Godfrey with domestic violence. According to court records, Godfrey has two other pending domestic violence cases (for which she is free on bond).

    It is unclear whether anyone was hit by the sex toys that took flight Tuesday evening.

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    In a frenzied doctor shopping spree, a Florida woman was transported by ambulance to seven different hospitals in a 26-hour period in a bid to obtain prescription pain medication, according to police who arrested her for misuse of the 911 system.

    Investigators charge that Kimberly Keener, 40, repeatedly called 911 for transport to hospitals in Pinellas County. Beginning early Thursday morning, Keener, a Bradenton resident, was brought to seven separate hospitals by Sunstar Paramedics, which provides ambulance services in Pinellas County.

    Keener sought to “obtain fraudulent prescription pain medication,” according to an arrest affidavit. Court filings do not indicate what maladies Keener claimed as she repeatedly called 911, or whether her scheme was a success.

    Pictured above, Keener was arrested around 4 AM Friday at St. Petersburg General Hospital, final stop on her 2017 Pill Tour.

    Keener, who reportedly admitted to the scheme, was charged with misuse of the 911 system and obtaining controlled substances by fraud, a felony. Locked up on $5150 bond in the county jail, Keener is also facing a probation violation rap in connection with a misdemeanor theft conviction from late-January.

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    A man wearing “pink lingerie under his lowered sweatpants” was arrested yesterday after being found passed out with his penis in his hands inside a stolen Buick sedan that was stopped in the middle of a busy Pittsburgh intersection, police report.

    Daniel Marchese, 51, was collared Monday afternoon by police who discovered him with "his pants lowered to the middle of his thighs." Two witnesses told cops that they spotted Marchese “masturbating and passed out behind the wheel of his vehicle.”

    As reported by the Tribune-Review's Megan Guza, Marchese scuffled with officers who took him into custody. When asked if he had ID, Marchese repled, “How about fuck you, your mother’s a nigger loving whore.” Things went downhill from there, according to a criminal complaint which does not further address Marchese’s pink lingerie.

    Pictured above, Marchese was charged with an assortment of crimes, including aggravated assault, indecent exposure, drunk driving, receiving stolen property, firearms possession, and making terroristic threats.

    A police search of the car’s trunk turned up two handguns. Officers also seized an open bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey, which was found wedged between Marchese’s left leg and the driver’s side door.

    Marchese, arraigned today on the felony and misdemeanor counts, has been unable to post his $35,000 bail, so he remains locked up in the Allegheny County jail. Marchese’s lengthy rap sheet includes busts for drug possession; endangering the welfare of a child; possession of drug paraphernalia; assault; disorderly conduct; harassment; public drunkenness; theft; trespass; and receiving stolen property.

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    On the eve of Tom Brady’s seventh appearance in the Super Bowl, the quarterback’s biggest fan (next to this guy) is a wanted man.

    Victor Thompson, 48, is named in four separate arrest warrants, according to Florida court records. Three of the warrants are for felony narcotics possession cases, while the fourth warrant is for Thompson’s failure to appear in court on another drug case.

    The warrants, all issued in mid- to late-2015, accuse Thompson of possessing spice, the synthetic hallucinogen. In each case, Thompson was found carrying the drug by St. Petersburg Police Department officers. One court affidavit charges that Thompson “was using and selling narcotics” outside a homeless shelter.

    If apprehended, Thompson will be locked up in jail on a combined $13,000 bail, records show.

    While Thompson’s whereabouts are unknown, the Massachusetts native--who relocated to Florida a few years ago--is not hard to miss. As seen in the above mug shots, Thompson has a replica of Brady’s football helmet tattooed on his head.  

    Thompson’s ink includes New England Patriots logos, Brady’s number 12, the NFL shield, an American flag, and the name of the helmet’s manufacturer, Riddell. Football fans will also recognize a small green dot indicating that Brady’s helmet contains speakers allowing him to receive plays relayed from the sideline. Thompson’s head also includes a replica of the Vince Lombardi Trophy, which is awarded to the Super Bowl’s winning team.

    On “personal data information” sheets filed with the arrest warrants, investigators offer identifying details of the wanted man. “Entire head tattooed as Patriots football helmet,” one sheet notes.

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    A substitute teacher was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure after she performed a cartwheel in a high school choir class “with no under garments on,” police allege.

    According to cops, Lacey Sponsler, 34, exposed herself to students last Friday at Pawhuska High School in Pawhuska, a city about 50 miles north of Tulsa.

    Sponsler, seen at right, was wearing a long dress, but no underwear, “which caused her to expose herself to the students in this class,” cops allege. “This act was captured by a student on their cell phone,” said Police Chief Scott Laird.

    As detailed in a probable cause affidavit, as Sponsler (seen above) performed the cartwheel in the “Junior High Choir room,” her dress was “flipped up,” exposing her buttocks. An officer who reviewed the video of the incident added, “I further noticed that the Defendant was not wearing any type of underwear.”

    A 17-year-old female student told police that Sponsler “had said that she was not wearing underwear before performing the cartwheel,” which exposed her “bare vagina.” The student noted that she saw Sponsler’s “vagina open and close, as her legs were in the air.” The girl also told police that Sponsler “had been talking about using drugs” and commented on how she “thought fourteen year old boys were like men.”

    When questioned by police, Sponsler initially denied performing the cartwheel in class. When told that a student captured the cartwheel in a Snapchat video, Sponsler replied that she “did not remember performing a cartwheel or exposing her vagina and buttocks.”

    Sponsler told police that she was “just dancing with the students” and "trying to be a cool teacher."

    According to court records, Sponsler pleaded guilty in 2008 to marijuana possession, public intoxication, and possession of drug paraphernalia (for which she received a two-year deferred sentence, was fined $1100, and was ordered to perform 100 hours of community service). In December 2009, a judge ruled that Sponsler violated her probation, in part because she had not disclosed being questioned by police investigating an accused meth cook. Sponsler told cops that she had been present in the suspect’s home when he was manufacturing the drug, adding that the man was “careless when he cooks.”

    In September 2011, Sponsler pleaded guilty to possession of methamphetamine and marijuana in the presence of a child and possession of drug paraphernalia. She was sentenced to a three-year deferred sentence. As part of that plea deal, prosecutors dropped a burglary charge against Sponsler, who is pictured below in a mug shot snapped yesterday.