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    A Florida man discovered passed out behind the wheel of an SUV carrying his children had a blood alcohol level of .604, more than seven times the legal limit, police report.

    According to cops, Stephen Allbritton was found slumped inside a Ford Explorer around 11 AM Friday. The vehicle, which was not running but had its hazard lights on, was parked at an intersection in Estero, the village where Allbritton resides.

    Allbritton’s teenage daughter was in the front passenger seat, while his son, also a juvenile, was in a back seat.

    Sheriff’s deputies repeatedly sought to wake Allbritton, but met with little success. At one point, he “raised his head and looked towards” one cop and “mumbled some unknown words and passed out again.”

    Allbritton, pictured above, was transported to a local hospital, where tests recorded his blood alcohol content at .604, according to a police report.

    When Allbritton eventually became “coherent and responsive”--five hours after being found by police--he denied having consumed any alcoholic beverages.

    Charged with drunk driving and child neglect, Allbritton was booked into the Lee County jail, where he remains locked up in lieu of $10,000 bond. His children--who were not injured--were released into the custody of their mother.

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    A New Hampshire man wearing a “This Guy Needs A Beer” t-shirt was arrested for drunk driving after crashing his car Friday evening.

    Joshua Tackett, 29, was nabbed after his Chevy Cruz veered off the road in the town of Kensington (pop. 2124). The auto hit a stone wall, a granite post, and a utility pole before coming to a stop across the street from the Kensington Police Department headquarters.

    Pictured above, Tackett was arrested for drunk driving and booked into the local jail (from which he was later released on $750 bail).

    Tackett suffered minor injuries in the crash, but declined medical treatment. He is scheduled to be arraigned Wednesday on the misdemeanor charge.

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    Instead of receiving cash, employees at a Minnesota auto body shop got their bonuses in methamphetamine, according to investigators who yesterday raided the business.

    Minnesota River Valley Drug Task Force officials say that a worker at Clear Choice Auto Body Repair in Mankato disclosed the meth bonuses as investigators executed a search warrant at the business.

    The employee told drug agents that during a meeting this week, Clear Choice workers were each given “approximately one half gram of methamphetamine as a bonus.”

    The meeting was run by Clear Choice owner Jesse Michael Seifert, 40. Seifert’s girlfriend, Nancy Jean Loehlein, 39, allegedly distributed the meth bonuses.

    During the search, investigators reported, they located “used syringes which field tested positive for the presence of methamphetamine” and a digital scale containing methamphetamine residue.

    Prior to the raid, Seifert (seen above) was arrested on an unrelated driving charge and booked into the Blue Earth County Jail.

    The narcotics probe is “still under investigation, and more charges are pending,” according to police.

    In a Facebook post last July, Seifert offered to sell Clear Choice for $350,000. In other recent posts, Seifert wrote about serving 10 months in jail for drunk driving, wearing an ankle monitor, and serving a probation term.

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    Meet Kevin Gibson.

    The 58-year-old Floridian is spending 4/20 behind bars following his arrest last night for selling marijuana.

    The half-bearded man is being held in a Miami jail in lieu of $8000 bond.

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    A Florida woman allegedly punched a convenience store employee in the eye after the worker demanded the return of a bag of Cheetos Puffs that the suspect had stashed “under her sundress in her groin area,” according to cops.

    Melissa Mower, 49, last night sought to steal the Cheetos and a six-pack of Bud Light Lime (total value: $13.11) from a store in Indian Rocks Beach. But when confronted by an employee as she walked out of the store, Mower returned the beer, “but did not return the Cheetos,” an arrest affidavit reports.

    Mower, seen at right, then crossed the street into a wooded area. For some reason, worker Holly Harris followed Mower in pursuit of the stolen Cheetos.

    When Harris demanded that Mower “return the Cheetos Puffs that were stolen,” Mower responded by punching Harris in the left eye, a blow that caused “swelling and redness” in the “victim’s eye socket and eye.”

    Mower was subsequently apprehended by a sheriff’s deputy “with the Cheetos Puffs on her person.”

    Charged with theft and battery, both misdemeanors, Mower--a convicted felon with a lengthy rap sheet--was booked into the county jail, where she is being held in lieu of $650 bond.

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    An Ohio woman used Periscope to livestream the sexual assault of a teenage friend, according to prosecutors who today announced rape and kidnapping charges against the woman and a male cohort.

    Marina Lonina, 18, and Raymond Gates, 29, are named in a nine-count felony indictment accusing them in connection with the late-February assault of the female victim inside a Columbus residence.

    Investigators allege that while Gates was raping the girl, Lonina used the app Periscope to broadcast the attack. Police learned of the sex assault from a friend of Lonina’s who viewed the livestream.

    The indictment alleges that Lonina and Gates compelled the victim to “submit by force or threat of force,” and that the girl “was substantially impaired because of a mental or physical condition.”

    In addition to the rape and kidnapping counts, Lonina and Gates (seen above) have been charged with sexual battery and pandering sexually-oriented matter involving a minor.

    If convicted of the charges, Lonina and Gates could face more than 40 years in prison, according to prosecutors.

    Ohio, Periscope, rape
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    The Florida woman who allegedly attacked her husband after discovering a dildo among his belongings will not be prosecuted for domestic battery, according to a court filing.

    Chao Gao, 48, was arrested in mid-February on the misdemeanor charge following a confrontation with spouse Joshua Sinclair that left him with bruises and scratches on his face, according to police.

    In a probable cause affidavit, cops reported that Gao discovered the sex toy as the couple was moving residences. Sinclair told investigators that Gao attacked him upon learning that “a dildo she found was actually for me to use.”

    Sinclair--who married Gao just over a year ago--told police that his wife was driving when she began to “beat and slap and pinch my face with her hand repeatedly.” The 30-minute attack ended, Sinclair added, when the duo arrived at their new home.

    While Sinclair gave cops a written statement detailing the battery, he signed a waiver of prosecution the following day. Prosecutors subsequently filed a notice that they would not be pursuing a battery charge against Gao.

    Gao, who was released on her own recognizance following her collar, runs a Sarasota day care facility.

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    In what may be a record, a passenger masturbated for “up to three hours” yesterday as he traveled on a Megabus, according to Iowa police who reported that the suspect continued pleasuring himself because he thought a female victim “was enjoying it.”

    Cops were called Sunday afternoon to a bus station in Coralville, an Iowa City suburb, to meet an arriving Megabus.

    According to a criminal complaint, officers were told that passenger Telly Shadell Corey, 41, “was on the bus with his penis exposed to a female passenger that was terrified.”

    A subsequent investigation determined that Corey initially “played with his penis in his sweatpants.” He then “ended up exposing his penis and masturbating for up to three hours because he thought the victim was enjoying it.”

    After being read his rights, Corey reportedly copped to the marathon pleasure session and told police he thought “since the victim didn’t say anything to him she was enjoying it.”

    Pictured above, Corey was arrested for indecent exposure and booked into the Johnson County jail, where he is being held in lieu of $2500 bond. Corey’s rap sheet includes multiple arrests for narcotics possession.

    According to the Megabus web site, the low-cost carrier promises customers that, “you will be riding in comfort and confidence. We provide affordable and reliable bus services, offering the highest level of comfort and safety. You can be assured of a great experience and overall satisfaction.”

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    A woman arrested for cocaine possession told Florida jailers that the crack pipe found hidden in her vagina was not her property, but rather she was storing the drug paraphernalia for a friend.

    Tiffany Flores, 23, was arrested yesterday afternoon following a traffic stop in Fellsmere, a city just north of Vero Beach (where Flores resides).

    Flores, a passenger in the vehicle stopped, confessed to ownership of a small bag of cocaine that a cop found on the roadway “directly beside the passenger door frame,” according to an arrest affidavit.

    After initially denying that she threw the cocaine out of the car window, Flores reportedly copped to owning the coke, which she said she purchased from a man named “Nino.”

    Upon arriving at the county jail, Flores claimed that she could not go through a scanner since she was pregnant. But after a pregnancy test showed negative results, “jail staff processed Flores through the body scanner.” That is when officers noticed a “foreign object located inside of Flores’s vaginal area.”

    Flores, seen above, subsequently retrieved “a clear cylindrical tube containing a burnt end” and gave it to a cop. But the crack pipe was not hers, explained Flores, who said that the item was owned by a female friend who was driving the car that had been pulled over.

    Flores claimed that her pal “threw the crack pipe on her lap” and asked her to hide the item when a patrolman began following them. “Flores then hid it inside of her vagina in an attempt to avoid a search,” according to the affidavit.

    Despite that explanation, Flores was charged with introducing contraband into a correctional facility, along with drug possession and tampering with evidence counts. Locked up in lieu of $11,000 bond, Flores has previously been busted for theft, cocaine possession, credit card fraud, and resisting arrest.

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    A drug suspect attempted to flee from Florida police atop his hoverboard, but was captured after abandoning his two-wheeled getaway gadget following a short chase.

    According to Clearwater police, an officer spotted Jerome Dennis, 20, at a “known drug residence” around 9:30 PM Sunday. According to an arrest affidavit, a “strong odor of marijuana was coming from” Dennis.

    When a uniformed cop approached Dennis, the suspect “attempted to flee on his hoverboard and then on foot before being apprehended.” Dennis was subsequently arrested after being found in possession of marijuana.

    The affidavit does not indicate how fast Dennis’s hoverboard was traveling, though most self-balancing scooters do not approach 10 mph. Nor did cops disclose whether the hoverboard was impounded.

    While refusing to answer police questions, Dennis reportedly stated that he “messed up because he is currently out on bond for possession of cocaine.”

    According to court records, Dennis (seen below) was arrested in February for possession of cocaine and marijuana. He was free on $1500 bond at the time of his April 2 arrest, but that amount was bumped up to $6000 by a Circuit Court judge.

    In addition to the pot possession count, Dennis’s hoverboard gambit resulted in an additional misdemeanor charge for resisting an officer.

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    Apparently unconcerned that he could set fire to his entire dormitory, an Iowa college student twice used a lighter to burn “a derogatory design in the shape of a penis” into the residence’s ceiling tiles, police charge.

    Cops allege that George Sotos, 18, “burnt/melted” his penis design into hallway ceilings inside the University of Iowa’s Slater Hall (where the freshman resides).

    Sotos torched the ceilings on two separate days last month, according to criminal complaints accusing the young scholar of reckless use of fire and explosives.

    An unnamed friend of Sotos told campus police that the Illinois native “admitted to burning a penis shape into the ceiling tile” in Slater Hall, a 500-student residence hall on the school’s Iowa City campus.

    During questioning, Sotos (seen at right) reportedly “admitted to officers it would be possible he caused damage” inside the dorm.

    Sotos, free on $2000 bond, is scheduled for an April 11 preliminary hearing.

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    The perils of strip clubs have been exhaustively chronicled in these pages, from lap dance disputes and stiletto assaults to genital crushing and the tale of how a dancer named Chocolate Chambers once robbed a patron outside Club Boom Boom.

    So, in that vein, meet Wisconsinite Mesheokia White.

    According to a Rock County Sheriff's Office report, deputies were dispatched early Thursday to the Diamond Jim’s strip club in response to a battery complaint. Specifically, a customer reported that he was “bitten in the crotch by a dancer.”

    Derick Roth, 24, told investigators that he had "given a dancer a few dollars to do her thing." The dancer, Roth added, “placed her head into his crotch and was moving it around.” In this case, “it” appears to have been the dancer’s head.

    But the 1:45 AM performance would grind to a halt when the dancer, later identified as the 29-year-old White, allegedly bit Roth in the crotch.

    When questioned by deputies, White (seen above) appeared intoxicated and “didn’t remember anything I was talking about,” a deputy reported. A subsequent review of security footage “confirmed Derick’s story,” according to the report. As a result, White was arrested for battery and booked into the county jail.

    The report does not disclose the extent of any injuries suffered by Roth (pictured at left) as a result of the alleged biting at Diamond Jim’s, a gentlemen’s club that features fully nude dancers and recently installed “Nearly $1k of new dynamic lighting systems.” Additionally, during snowy months, Diamond Jim’s offers free admission to any patron who rides their snowmobile to the club (though you must show your snowmobile keys).

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    A North Carolina man has been arrested on a warrant charging him with failing to return a VHS copy of a movie he rented in 2001.

    As he was driving his daughter to school Tuesday morning, James Meyers, 37, got pulled over for a broken tail light. When a Concord Police Department officer ran Meyers’s name for warrants, the cop got a hit dating back more than 14 years.

    Meyers, the warrant alleges, did not return “one VCR movie” to a video rental firm in Salisbury, a city 45 miles north of Charlotte. The business, J&J Video, closed years ago. The film, “Freddy Got Fingered,” was allegedly not returned “at the expiration of the time for which it was rented.”

    Pictured below, Meyers was busted for failure to return hired property, a misdemeanor. Meyers, who works as a caterer, was transported to the Cabarrus County jail, where a magistrate judge subsequently released him on a written promise to appear at an April 27 court hearing.

    Though it sounds like a porn title, “Freddy Got Fingered” stars comedian Tom Green as a slacker living in his father’s basement. In a generally positive New York Times review, A.O. Scott wrote that the movie’s “comic heart consists of a series of indescribably loopy, elaborately conceived happenings that are at once rigorous and chaotic, idiotic and brilliant.”

    A VHS copy of the 97-minute film can currently be found on eBay for the “buy it now” price of $5.99.